What do you think about my poems?

[twistedfairie420]

~Territory~

I am urning for something
something that which is taboo

I am craving for something
something that can run down me....

I want to feel the warm liquid streaming
streaming down my milk white body

Please my love, please
mark me your territory

I want to be yours forever
I want the smell to be magnetic

I want others to beware
beware of you

They will smell
then take a step back

They will sense who you are..
from your sent on me

And who are you?
My master......

Let me kneel down before you
and beg you please.....

Please my love, please
mark me your territory


~If Nothing Else~


When all I see is darkness
i want you

When all I see is obstacles
i want you

When all I feel is pain
i want you

When I feel love
i want you

When I feel happiness
i want you

When I want passion
i want you

When I am bored
i want you

When I want no more of this life
i want you


~Hero~

My mind is invaded by your piercing eyes
My body is invaded by your sensual touch
My heart is invaded by your unconditional love

My soul cries out for you to heal it's pain
My fears burn inside me like a volcano

I search for what I know is there
You give me more than what I need

I want to give you so much more
but there is a resistance in my way

I want you to kill it away
murder my fears
fuck them away

just don't leave me.......

 

[CharleyH]

Bdsm?

 

[Angeline]

I think your poems convey a lot of strong emotion, which is a good thing, but I also think they'd be improved if you used more specific images and avoided some of the repetition. Just one opinion, of course.

Stick around and keep posting poems--you'll continue to get feedback.

 

[CharleyH]

I think your poems convey a lot of strong emotion, which is a good thing, but I also think they'd be improved if you used more specific images and avoided some of the repetition. Just one opinion, of course.

Stick around and keep posting poems--you'll continue to get feedback.

Kind soul.

 

[WickedEve]

Damn. Urning is a word.

1 entry found for urning.
Main Entry: ur·ning
Pronunciation: 'ur-ni[ng]
Function: noun
: HOMOSEXUAL

 

[Sins666]

~Territory~

I am urning for something
something that which is taboo

I am craving for something
something that can run down me....

I want to feel the warm liquid streaming
streaming down my milk white body

Please my love, please
mark me your territory

I want to be yours forever
I want the smell to be magnetic

I want others to beware
beware of you

They will smell
then take a step back

They will sense who you are..
from your sent on me

And who are you?
My master......

Let me kneel down before you
and beg you please.....

Please my love, please
mark me your territory

First I think you should have called it Beggar but thats mute. Other than that it was an okay poem. You did a good job of getting the point across but the imagery was lacking. I think the main problem is this: you need a more robust vocabulary or a Thesaurus. More "complicated" words, for lack of a better term, would certainly add a great deal to this poem I think.

~If Nothing Else~


When all I see is darkness
i want you

When all I see is obstacles
i want you

When all I feel is pain
i want you

When I feel love
i want you

When I feel happiness
i want you

When I want passion
i want you

When I am bored
i want you

When I want no more of this life
i want you

For this one the repitition just irk'd me. I don't know...just something about poems that use alot repitition that annoye me. Beyond that it was a fair job.

~Hero~

My mind is invaded by your piercing eyes
My body is invaded by your sensual touch
My heart is invaded by your unconditional love

My soul cries out for you to heal it's pain
My fears burn inside me like a volcano

I search for what I know is there
You give me more than what I need

I want to give you so much more
but there is a resistance in my way

I want you to kill it away
murder my fears
fuck them away

just don't leave me.......

Last but certainly not least this one is the best out of the three. My only real bone of contention(SP?) is volcano. Just dosent seem to fit. Maybe just delete it all together?

My soul cries out for you to heal it's pain
My fears burn inside me

I dont know...reads better to me. Also as an aside but not really anything big maybe try deleting this as well.

I want to give you so much more
but there is a resistance

Once again up to you but I think it reads better.

Here is what it would look and read like with the changes:

~Hero~

My mind is invaded by your piercing eyes
My body is invaded by your sensual touch
My heart is invaded by your unconditional love

My soul cries out for you to heal it's pain
My fears burn inside me

I search for what I know is there
You give me more than what I need

I want to give you so much more
but there is a resistance

I want you to kill it away
murder my fears
fuck them away

just don't leave me.......

Well thats my 10cents on it all. Have a good one and come back again!

 

[twistedfairie420]

thanks for all the ideas.....

 

[Sins666]

thanks for all the ideas.....

Your welcome. Anything for a fellow Floridian.

BTW Nice picture thread!

 

[Jennifer C]

Stick around this forum, there is so much to learn and so many willing to teach!

You can learn alot from taking part here!

Good luck and Happy writing...

 

[RhymeFairy]

Bump

Where have I been?
I did not even see this thread.
Blow me away ~

*was in RhymeVille* me thinks
Too much fairy dust
on the wings this week ...

 

[Jennifer C]

Bump

Where have I been?
I did not even see this thread.
Blow me away ~

*was in RhymeVille* me thinks
Too much fairy dust
on the wings this week ...

Lol and I thought I was playing catch up!...