What do you do when...

[Elianna]

you don't see eye to eye with someone VERY important in your life?

Someone very dear to me recently retired and has used their spare time to get involved in politics. We definitely disagree because we're on different sides. This person constantly spouts their political views to me and wants to debate them with me. I have continuously bowed out of the situation, and asked not to discuss politics, but the comments still come.

Someone I love is becoming in my opinion, a nut job. Not a person well-versed in BOTH sides of the debate, but a bonafide extremist. And now the resulting relationship is...strained.

Anyone else been there? What did you say/do?

 

[Carnevil9]

I just tell myself, "If we agreed on everything, one of us would be redundant."

 

[secretme]

Ouch...
Good luck Eli.
I tend to avoid politics in general for similar reasons. When people get dug in on issues they believe are important, it's difficult to have a real discussion. If he's not able to actually talk about it, but gets fanatical on the subject I'd be looking to find a different topic.
From the sounds of things that obviously won't work for you.
I wish you luck. I don't know what to tell you.

 

[lance gt]

you don't see eye to eye with someone VERY important in your life?

Someone very dear to me recently retired and has used their spare time to get involved in politics. We definitely disagree because we're on different sides. This person constantly spouts their political views to me and wants to debate them with me. I have continuously bowed out of the situation, and asked not to discuss politics, but the comments still come.

Someone I love is becoming in my opinion, a nut job. Not a person well-versed in BOTH sides of the debate, but a bonafide extremist. And now the resulting relationship is...strained.

Anyone else been there? What did you say/do?

Put him/her on Ignore. With no response, his/her comments become futile and he'll/she'll eventually stop

 

[Elianna]

I just tell myself, "If we agreed on everything, one of us would be redundant."

For the most part, I agree with you. However, this is to the point of feeling attacked. I have a nasty manipulative side and I feel it lurking closer and closer. That's not a good sign when you care deeply for someone.

Ouch...
Good luck Eli.
I tend to avoid politics in general for similar reasons. When people get dug in on issues they believe are important, it's difficult to have a real discussion. If he's not able to actually talk about it, but gets fanatical on the subject I'd be looking to find a different topic.
From the sounds of things that obviously won't work for you.
I wish you luck. I don't know what to tell you.

Thanks.

 

[penandpaper]

Set a limit, tell them about it, and stick to it. It may strain the relationship at first, but in the end, I imagine your relationship will be better for it. You will never convince this person what a balanced view is, and they'll never convince you that their way is correct. Therefore, you have to compromise - and the compromise is to not always talk about it.

It sounds like a sad way to go about things, but in my experience it's either that or live in a strained relationship that could snap at any time.

 

[3113]

All of us go through certain stages in our lives. Sometimes these include going to extremes, even a bit crazy. It might be something that has little affect on others, like, oh, I dunno, joining a site which posts erotic stories and writing a lot of them obsessively (Nope. Don't know anyone who ever did that...) Other times it might involve something more problematic, like religion or politics. I'm sure we all know someone who was casually religious then became very religious. These people have decided to make this religion or politics or whatever their life, and want to be immersed in it 24/7.

Sometimes this isn't a problem; other times, it doesn't leave much room for friends and family that have no interest in joining them.

My point simply being that this shit happens. And it's sad and hard when it happens to someone who is a friend, or, worse, a loved one, as they seem to become a stranger. But they have picked a path that doesn't allow you to follow. All you can do is let them go wherever they're going to go with it. They may "come out of it" as it were, meaning they become less fanatical or even entirely disenchanted with it, and you'll be friends again. Or they may not.

I know that you don't want to see the friendship end like this, but sometimes that's the way it goes. This is their passion, the only air they want to breathe, for now. And if it's poisonous to you, then you have to walk away, because they no longer care what effect their obsession is having on you or the friendship; they are, alas, no longer your friend.

 

[sr71plt]

I have a cousin's divorced wife (I have no idea how she won my family in the settlement) who dropped me right-wing political Internet chain letter stuff and a sister who sent me right-wing religious Internet crap until about the third time I clumped them right between the eyes (pointing out that I sent them nothing and they both knew I'm a liberal) and told them I'd change my e-mail address and not give it to them if they didn't stop. It took them a while to stop wholly even then, because they were totally incapable of seeing the politics of what they were sending. Finally, I had to tell them to forward absolutely nothing because they couldn't even recognize their own ideology.

 

[Dragonlipz]

Try to deal with it as a phase they're going through and they probably need you now more than ever, don't pull away......
If they are going to the left - go with them.....at least they're on the right track

If they are going to the right.....kill yourself......spare both of you the pain.....

 

[DeeZire]

If you can steer the discussion towards facts, you might be able to examine the source of the facts, rather than the ideology the facts, (or bogus facts,) are supporting. Perhaps you could suggest using factcheck.org as a referee. If you can't steer the discussion towards facts, perhaps you could suggest to your friend that you have no interest in discussing their new ideology in the absence of the facts that would determine how the ideology would function in the real world.

You might also do a little casual research on brainwashing, since this is probably what you're dealing with (assuming they're drifting off to the Right under the influence of Fox News and talk radio.) In the context of brainwashing, I wonder if you could arrange an intervention?

Your last resort could be to send your friend a bouquet of flowers and a tin foil hat, and ask them to contact you when they return to earth.

 

[Elianna]

I have a cousin's divorced wife (I have no idea how she won my family in the settlement) who dropped me right-wing political Internet chain letter stuff and a sister who sent me right-wing religious Internet crap until about the third time I clumped them right between the eyes (pointing out that I sent them nothing and they both knew I'm a liberal) and told them I'd change my e-mail address and not give it to them if they didn't stop. It took them a while to stop wholly even then, because they were totally incapable of seeing the politics of what they were sending. Finally, I had to tell them to forward absolutely nothing because they couldn't even recognize their own ideology.

I don't read my personal email account anymore for that reason. I only check it when I know important emails are coming. I have to consistently set boundaries with this person (which are always broken) and it's frustrating to say the least. When it's close family, (and ours is very close) it's not so easy to avoid, either. Tonight I set another boundary. It sucked. It was probably hurtful. I don't want to go down the path of estrangement, but I'm at a breaking point with my tolerance.

 

[vrosej10]

you don't see eye to eye with someone VERY important in your life?

Someone very dear to me recently retired and has used their spare time to get involved in politics. We definitely disagree because we're on different sides. This person constantly spouts their political views to me and wants to debate them with me. I have continuously bowed out of the situation, and asked not to discuss politics, but the comments still come.

Someone I love is becoming in my opinion, a nut job. Not a person well-versed in BOTH sides of the debate, but a bonafide extremist. And now the resulting relationship is...strained.

Anyone else been there? What did you say/do?

This is a hard position to be in. I was constantly at odds with my father over politics. I think there might be two possiblities:

First, confront the person and tell them you feel they have changed and this constant debating is becoming an issue in your relationship. This will bring it to a head and force it to go one way or another and at least you will have been honest.

Second, you could accept that this is a phase with this individual. There is something called the CASS model of identity. It is normally used in relation to sexuality, but it also applies to other identity changes etc. One of the phases fits your friend. If you are prepared to wait it out, they should move to a phase where politics is more integrated into their personality and not the only thing they can talk about.

http://www.ecu.edu.au/equ/resources/docs/Sexuality_cass_model.pdf

 

[3113]

Try to deal with it as a phase they're going through and they probably need you now more than ever, don't pull away......

I'm sorry, Dragon, but I really can't agree. If they are doing damage to you while they go through this by putting down the way you think, feel, believe, etc., by trying to beat you into submission to the way they want you to think, feel, believe, then you won't be in any shape to to help them when they come out of it and need you.

And I've also found that in a lot of these cases, the longer you stay with them, the more you pull away emotionally, and the less you care--you have to, because they're battering you with this "passion" of theirs, and you, in order to stay true to yourself, armor yourself against their constant attacks. Pretty soon, nothing they say matters to you--even if it's what you've been waiting to hear. Better to pull away, separate, and not become numb and uncaring toward them, so that IF (and it's always an "if" never"when") they come out of this phase, you will want to be with them again.

Believe me, if they do come to their senses, and find they need you more than ever, they will find you and let you know. Till then, you have to look after yourself, your sanity, and your ability to have warmth, sympathy and understanding. It's very, very, very easy to tire of people and lose your compassion for them if they continually show none for you.

 

[Guest]

. . .

Your last resort could be to send your friend a bouquet of flowers and a tin foil hat, and ask them to contact you when they return to earth.

Already tried that with my sis and her hubby.

It didn't work.

*sigh*

 

[Guest]

you don't see eye to eye with someone VERY important in your life?

Someone very dear to me recently retired and has used their spare time to get involved in politics. We definitely disagree because we're on different sides. This person constantly spouts their political views to me and wants to debate them with me. I have continuously bowed out of the situation, and asked not to discuss politics, but the comments still come.

Someone I love is becoming in my opinion, a nut job. Not a person well-versed in BOTH sides of the debate, but a bonafide extremist. And now the resulting relationship is...strained.

Anyone else been there? What did you say/do?

We cannot discuss politics at any family gathering. For awhile, we stayed away, kept our kids away from the arguing.

We finally just started saying - No Politics! Every time someone would try to bring it up.

It's an uneasy truce.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

He's got an advanced case of Retirement Disorder.

This disease stems from the well-known principle that a Person's Personal Idiocy Expands to Fill the Time Available.

Have him take up a hobby or volunteer someplace. I'm not kidding. A homeless shelter or food bank might be a good choice, or a hospital or museum. Get him out of the house and let him rub up against some of the people he's villifying.

 

[Freefall_mc]

The general responses on this issue are right on key. You have only to consider what type of personality you are dealing with as to how you address your loved one.

I tend to stay away from most political rampages. One of my most loved family members held offices in local and state government, a right-wing. Being a liberal, I receive a constant barrage of propaganda emails that I learned to subject or content skim and delete. I generally don’t waste time reciprocating opinionated crap. In person, initially, when they began to go off the deep end, I would share a subjective viewpoint, analyzing both sides of issue, and share what seemed to have historic validity from either side. It worked quite well in setting a discussion rather than a one-sided rant and rave. This is easy to do with the right person (having mutual respect), being that typically, no one side is “correct”. And I learned something occasionally!

At the other end of the spectrum; a person that identifies themselves as the only true voice in an argument can be dangerous. When there is such a wall, that there is no positive exchange or rationalizing with someone, they may be using political issues as an easy outlet for their personal agendas. Manipulative and controlling behavior can soon spill over into everyday discussions, viewpoints and personal values.

You could try as suggested: “I love my time with you. So, let’s leave politics on the porch, honey.”

Otherwise, you may need to look more indepth to what that person's life and relationship objectives are.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

The problem is a general one. People obsess about whatever you can imagine...sports, bridge, religion, gossip, psychology, whatever.

But we live in the real world and there are consequences for pissing people off. Take me for example; here I'm a total flaming asshole, in real life I'm the sweetest, most considerate, hospitable little devil you can want. if you tell me chocolate milk comes from unicorns I'll act surprised and say something like, 'I had no idea!' People have all kinds of crazy, wild-ass beliefs and delusions, and if you challenge everyone you'll be friendless and maybe shot. Plus you never know if the person you insult might help you sometime. It happens.

When someone starts in with their obsession du jour, act surprised, say something non-committal like WOW! or I HAD NO IDEA! then change the subject to something that bores them, and they'll go away without being pissed off but happy to escape you.

Here, though, you can let your hair down and be the troll you were born to be.

 

[Handley_Page]

you don't see eye to eye with someone VERY important in your life?

Someone very dear to me recently retired and has used their spare time to get involved in politics. We definitely disagree because we're on different sides. This person constantly spouts their political views to me and wants to debate them with me. I have continuously bowed out of the situation, and asked not to discuss politics, but the comments still come.

Someone I love is becoming in my opinion, a nut job. Not a person well-versed in BOTH sides of the debate, but a bona fide extremist. And now the resulting relationship is...strained.

Anyone else been there? What did you say/do?

You might try and become an expert in some truly weird subject and ask their opinion on some aspect of it (Mayan Art ?, the influence of the "Man God Ptah" on the cult of Osiris in the 14th century bc, or the Pre-Raphaelite brotherhood's affect on feminism?).

Of feign (?) total ignorance and tell them politics bores you.

 

[FallingToFly]

When you figure it out, please let me know.

Lately it seems like if I open my mouth with an opinion- or for anything other than small talk or oral sex, I end up eating my shinbone and feeling like I am so worthless I shouldn't even breathe.

 

[DeeZire]

...Lately it seems like if I open my mouth with an opinion- or for anything other than small talk or oral sex, I end up eating my shinbone and feeling like I am so worthless I shouldn't even breathe.

This sounds like the opening line to a story.

 

[FallingToFly]

Doesn't it just....

 

[water_side]

From personal experience I would say that 3113 has hit the nail on the head - adjust and distance yourself - tough as it is, there is no better way to protect yourself and no better way to stay 'there' for them IF they return to being the person you once knew.

 

[TE999]

you don't see eye to eye with someone VERY important in your life?

Someone very dear to me recently retired and has used their spare time to get involved in politics. We definitely disagree because we're on different sides. This person constantly spouts their political views to me and wants to debate them with me. I have continuously bowed out of the situation, and asked not to discuss politics, but the comments still come.

Someone I love is becoming in my opinion, a nut job. Not a person well-versed in BOTH sides of the debate, but a bonafide extremist. And now the resulting relationship is...strained.

Anyone else been there? What did you say/do?

Yep...my one BIL is an obnoxious, overbearing, extreme left wing asshole.

There's an old saying 'Never mud wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig likes it'.

This also applies to obnoxious people who consider no one's opinion but theirs to be correct. Tell your friend/relative you're tired of this constant barrage of rhetoric and if they don't put a lid on it, you're gone. They no doubt have numerous outlets for their newfound political views...you don't want to be one of them.

That's what I did and when we're together (which is seldom) we don't talk politics.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

From personal experience I would say that 3113 has hit the nail on the head - adjust and distance yourself - tough as it is, there is no better way to protect yourself and no better way to stay 'there' for them IF they return to being the person you once knew.

Nonsense.

If you wanna be a hermit and recluse her advice is dandy. And its possible, nay likely, the offensive person is right.