What do you do when your new husband doesnt want you sexually anymore?

[Guest]

He says he loves me very much and wants to be with me and be my companion, just not be my sex partner. My heart is broken. He says I can get a lover, but that is not what I married him for. It was suppose to be for the entire package, not just for a pal. I am so hurt and crying that I think my heart has actually broken in two.What should I do? Can anyone help me?

 

[*Lazer*]

I am very sorry you are in such pain. I suggest talk to your doctor or someone you trust to refer you to a couples therapist. You guys need help with this one.

 

[Amadeus]

Unrequited love is sad, and difficult to turn around. Are you really interested in trying to do that. It would take a really open mind to examine possible motives or causes and then change something related to those motives. Change is hard. If there is any way back at all, something about the atmosphere, the setting, the behavior has to change in some way that brings his thoughts back to the sex part of the relationship. Not easy.

I hope that doesn't sound sanctimonious or holier than thou. I don't mean it to. Just what I think.

 

[Cheyenne]

Just how "new" is this new husband? You didn't sleep together ever before you were married? Or something changed AFTER you were married?

 

[jcgirl]

Did he give you a reason? How long have you been married? Is it that "new"? Who gets married to someone and then turns around and says we wont ever sleep together?

 

[KillerMuffin]

I would suggest couples counseling. He probably has no idea how much it hurts and how bad it butchers your self-esteem and self-image to know that you aren't sexually exciting to the man who not only loves you, but is supposed to be your mate.

He could have a deeper problem with sex that he is too embarassed to admit to. Or he could simply be one of those people who doesn't like sex.

This brings to mind questions, how important is sex in a marriage? Is it important enough to divorce over?

I'm having a similar problem myself. I've been married 11 years to my StudMuffin whose recently been chemically neutered by medication he has to take. Viagra doesn't help, he's lost his sex drive, he has no interest in it. It hurts. There's alot of history between us that leads to more trouble in that area, but this certainly doesn't help. The best thing to do, darlin, is find someone that you can talk to and get it all out before the anger and resentment set in and destroy you. The next best thing to do is drag his happy little ass to a marital counselor. Sex isn't important to him, so he cannot even begin to conceive how much it hurts you to have him continually rebuff you.

 

[CRaZy]

Poor you....

I know how you feel. Whilst I joke about Panadolboy, the truth is he really has very little libido. Once, a long time ago I didn't nag him about sex. We went for a whole year without sex until I threw a tantrum. He is a loving (lots of hugs, cuddles, massages), considerate partner and we share many of the same interests. He really, really would rather do anything else (fishing, watching cricket, counting ants) than have sex - just the way his body chemistry is made up. It took me a long time to realise that this applied to any woman he came across, not just me.

It's all about compromise and deciding if the companionship and other aspects of your relationship outweigh the physical side. No relationship is perfect. No partner is perfect. You always wish something were different.

You need to talk to your husband (with a counsellor if you choose) and see if there is mutual common ground on this issue. If there isn't you need to leave sooner rather than later. There is nothing more damaging to the self esteem than feeling physically undesirable. Good luck in whatever path you choose.

 

[Chuckus]

I would say it sounds like some conseling is in order. Both of you and a conselor to try and figure this out. I don't know that anything I can say would help in the least. Maybe there is something eating at him or something that has changed that neither of you can put your finger on and that is where a conselor might help you.

 

[Iris]

I dated a guy a couple of years ago who said mainly the same thing only our situation was a little different. He was impotent don't know why he never went to the doc to find out and he said it wasn't that he was embarassed of it but he didn't see a reason to go to the doc because he wasn't that interested in sex anyways. Well *I* was and needless to say we're not together not just because of that but because he didn't consider my feelings one bit. I asked if he'd be willing to other things short of sex and I got this noncomittal shrug.

I know thats not totally your situation here but what I'm wondering is he not just interested in sex or not sex with YOU? I agree with the ones who said go to counseling it might help but remember in order for a relationship to work you both have to be happy. I'm sorry this happened to you and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Celestiale]

......

 

[Dillinger]

I just don't understand these men... though my problem I guess is sort of the opposite... I never can seem to get enough!

 

[Remington]

Sounds like he needs counseling, you are perfectly fine.

 

[stogie]

It sounds as if he still has "feeling" for you. Men are a messed up breed being a man I know first hand. I think his problem is not the will of desire but one that is deeper rooted. Instead of sacrificing his "Man Pride", he tells you to get another lover, hoping that will appease you. He's holding back a problem and unless he's gay, in my opinion he doesn't want you to get another lover. Before you get professional help find out what profession is needed. Good luck.

 

[Remington]

My first thought was that he is gay. Some men don't want thier wifes but if he wants you to have a lover, sounds gay to me. Might be wrong but would check into it...