What do you call this? Not BDSM, right?

[SexyKitten1974]

Hi all! Can you help me define what I'm looking for?

I want to be with someone who will be sexually dominant, but I have no interest (or very little) in bondage, disclipline, or S/M.

I basically want him to tell me what to do in a loving, sexy, but firm way, and praise me when I follow his orders. But I don't want to be hurt.

What is this called? I keep getting directed to the BDSM boards but that doesn't seem right.

Thoughts?

Thanks in advance!

 

[CutieMouse]

Hi all! Can you help me define what I'm looking for?

I want to be with someone who will be sexually dominant, but I have no interest (or very little) in bondage, disclipline, or S/M.

I basically want him to tell me what to do in a loving, sexy, but firm way, and praise me when I follow his orders. But I don't want to be hurt.

What is this called? I keep getting directed to the BDSM boards but that doesn't seem right.

Thoughts?

Thanks in advance!

Ummm... D/s [or possibly Top/bottom]?

Not all BDSM (or D/s) based relationships involve bondage, S/M, or discipline.

 

[SexyKitten1974]

Thanks!

 

[desertslave]

I agree with Miss Mouse, it sounds like the dynamics of Dominance/submission. Master once said that D/s is how we express that we love each other, BDSM is how we make love with each other.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I agree with Miss Mouse, it sounds like the dynamics of Dominance/submission. Master once said that D/s is how we express that we love each other, BDSM is how we make love with each other.

Awww, I like that!

 

[samanthaswitch]

Hi all! Can you help me define what I'm looking for?

I want to be with someone who will be sexually dominant, but I have no interest (or very little) in bondage, disclipline, or S/M.

I basically want him to tell me what to do in a loving, sexy, but firm way, and praise me when I follow his orders. But I don't want to be hurt.

What is this called? I keep getting directed to the BDSM boards but that doesn't seem right.

Thoughts?

Thanks in advance!

I agree with the others. D/s is about a mind set. The pain, the ropes can all be part of that mind set but it doesn't have to be. Some of the most fun I've personally had on both sides involved no props of any kind just one person giving instructions and the other following them. A fun way of doing things, at least in my experience, is restaint without ropes. Tell your partner (or suggest to them they tell you) to hold there arms and legs out spread eagled and challenge them to keep them that way. No actual bondage but their own self control. With the right sort of partner it can be a lot of fun.

 

[SexyKitten1974]

Thanks! That all makes sense. It just helps to have a lexicon for it, when trying to verbalize what I want. You guys were very helpful. Thanks!

 

[WickedSpitFire]

I agree with Miss Mouse, it sounds like the dynamics of Dominance/submission. Master once said that D/s is how we express that we love each other, BDSM is how we make love with each other.

Daww. I like that, too.

But yeah. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who have D/s or BDSM incorporated into their relationship, but yet don't feel the need or desire to label it that way. Or maybe they just don't know that's what it's called. Or rather, what we would call it.

It's kinda like that if a tree falls in a forest and no one's there to hear it, does it still make a sound.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks! That all makes sense. It just helps to have a lexicon for it, when trying to verbalize what I want. You guys were very helpful. Thanks!

All right motherfuckers isn't this just what I always say!

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Daww. I like that, too.

But yeah. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who have D/s or BDSM incorporated into their relationship, but yet don't feel the need or desire to label it that way. Or maybe they just don't know that's what it's called. Or rather, what we would call it.

It's kinda like that if a tree falls in a forest and no one's there to hear it, does it still make a sound.

I know now that I lived it long before I understood or defined it with any sort of labels. The study of labels brought me some clarity, and allowed for some important conversations that brought an even deeper self acceptance and a sense of community that has been profoundly comforting. But no, I do not believe that my lack of understanding and lexicon then made my experience to be any less valid and worthy of the labels I would affix to it all now.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[WickedSpitFire]

I know now that I lived it long before I understood or defined it with any sort of labels. The study of labels brought me some clarity, and allowed for some important conversations that brought an even deeper self acceptance and a sense of community that has been profoundly comforting. But no, I do not believe that my lack of understanding and lexicon then made my experience to be any less valid and worthy of the labels I would affix to it all now.

Just my 2 cents.

It's interesting though, that someone may have had the same experiences you did, but may have no need, desire, or may even be unwilling to affix a kinky label to it.

Not necessarily the same label you personally have affixed to it...because our experiences obviously differ.

Just because we call it XYZ, doesn't make it so. Just because someone doesn't call it XYZ doesn't make it NOT so.

I tend to weasel my way into paradoxical philosophical conundrums like that quite often. It's confusing, more often than not has no right answer, but it's interesting to contemplate all the same.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

It's interesting though, that someone may have had the same experiences you did, but may have no need, desire, or may even be unwilling to affix a kinky label to it.

Not necessarily the same label you personally have affixed to it...because our experiences obviously differ.

Just because we call it XYZ, doesn't make it so. Just because someone doesn't call it XYZ doesn't make it NOT so.

I tend to weasel my way into paradoxical philosophical conundrums like that quite often. It's confusing, more often than not has no right answer, but it's interesting to contemplate all the same.

Indeed, it is interesting to me as well. I think lexicon is simply about communication, which is ultimately about understanding, resonance, and community. Relationships are simply a sort of little community we chose to belong to, and can often be part of a much larger complex set of venn diagrams.

I think we have the right to affix any label we choose and trust that it is true for us, but what doesn't work is the expectation that everyone or even ANY one else that chooses the same label will agree. That doesn't make it any less true for ourselves, but it may effect your acceptance in a community that simply does not agree with you. But then arguably, is THAT a community that you really fundamentally belong to? Probably not, but the reason for the rejection is likely far more complex than one label could explain.

 

[Primalex]

I don't get why suddenly everything has to be BDSM.

If we add every sex where the guy says what he likes and the girl does it, as BDSM, then we have 5 billion BDSM followers. A certain level of dominance of guys in a relationship is tradition in most western countries, even though it did shift a lot in the last centuries. But we are still viewed as the strong gender, the knight who rescues the damsel, with all the advantages and disadvantages.

Sorry, OP, in my opinion you are right, you fit very well into the traditional 'vanilla with a grain of kink' group. Maybe you should refrain from the word "dominance" and say something like "traditional relationship like in the 50s". Then other people might not try to push you to here.

 

[SexyKitten1974]

I agree, actually. Initially I had said I wanted someone to be very "alpha" with me, but kept getting told that was equivalent to "dominance".

I don't think they're necessarily the same.

Regardless, I've had some good (and lots of bad) responses. So I'm getting what I wanted.

Thanks for the responses.

~Kitten

 

[StylusMaximus]

I am a dominant male who is much more turned on by psychological control ("your wish is my command, sir") than bondage and discipline. It's much sexier to me when a woman chooses to be my little fucktoy instead of just being hogtied and powerless.

But to each his (or her) own.