what do I do

[Kasha]

Okay ya'll..HELP!! I really need others opinions so i can maybe see my situation a little differently. Okay giddeup, here goes: i am married to the man I have been with for 8 years. We have been together since we were both teenagers..now we are in our 20's. In the past I didn't get along with his family but since we have married everything has gotten much better. I of course still have some resentment towards the family at times because of the way they treated me but I have said to myself..hey just let the past stay in the past. I have felt for a long time that his mother doesn't do the same for him as she does for his sisters and this really bugs me at times. both of his sisters are older than him and really haven't done anything with their lives except have kids. We unfortunately don't have kids yet but we are still struggling and trying to get on our feet. Well, we are in the process of moving to a cheaper apartment and as I said really struggling. My family always helps us out if we are in a bind. Finacially. I get irritated because his mother doesn't seem to want to help him out..but she elps out his sisters alllllll the time. Today I found out in fact that his mother is going to BUY his sister a new modular home. I am FURIOUS!! I am angry as is my husband who by the way is kinda passive until he gets REALLY mad. I am mad because we work and we have been having a really hard time lately and she has not helped us, she told us to sell our stuff so that we would have money..but yet she pays one of the daughters bills and is now as I said buying the other a house. I am battling depression and all this is causing me to almost melt down. I don't feel like I can say anything ..and if I do I feel like I will blow up. What do I do..what would you guys do. Am I totally in need of upping my zoloft?? Bottom line I just feel like if you have children, you should treat them equally. if you do for one, you do for them all. Anyhow...lemme know what ya think....Thanks...

 

[Juspar Emvan]

OK, I haven't though about this much and I may post again latter and retract this but . . .

My first impression is that his mother may have more respect for your husband than her daughters. Like, he is more capable of getting it together without support than them. Maybe that's just me looking on the bright side, but it may help, or even be true.

 

[Closet Desire]

We're not kids anymore...

Staying in the family "fold" is a very romantic ideal, but one that you seldom see in successful people. I'm not being cold either. When I married we showed up at my first duty station with $14.17, a rented U-haul, and an apartment. We played diving for pennies in the sofa for years just to buy gas. Staying tight in the family sort of blinds you to the real world outside in that it makes you dependent in lots of emotional, practical, and financial ways.

It took me over twenty years to find what I consider success and it turned out not to be a better job or more money, but stepping away from the family. In fact, both our families were so furious with what we did that neither of them has spoken to us in five years. We haven't asked them for anything. We haven't expected anything. And, we haven't needed anything. It's a freedom and security that I never expected to find outside the family. It wasn't until after I left that I recognized that all the "successful" members of my family had walked away from the family and set up their own independent lives. There must be something to it.

I don't know you and won't pretend to know what's right for you, but I do suggest that you consider looking at your life without the influence of the family. Where would you choose to live? What job would you choose to work? Would you get a better job somewhere else? How much do you need to live on? How can you rearrange your life to match your needs to your resources? Have you ever been criticised by your/his family for thinking about doing things differently?

Your/his family isn't ever going to change. Why should they? They hold you in their power. They have no reason to change. They have you right where they want you. Why do you stay there? While you are fretting about the unfair deal you're getting from them they get on with their lives as they see fit and steal your time, energy, and emotion. There will always be people who seem luckier, more fortunate, more smiled upon. If you base your happiness on these people then you give up control of your life and your destiny. Take control of your own life. You may end up eating beans on toast, but by God they'll be your beans and toast.

It takes a lot of courage to do what I'm suggesting. I know first hand because I did it. I'll never forgive my family for the way they me treated me and my wife and, all wonderful moral quotes aside, you don't have to forgive people for their appalling behaviour. You don't have to stick around and endure it either. If I could be so bold as to suggest a book that might be a real revelation? Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It's a real eye opener if any of it applies to your situation and it might give you some ideas on changing the direction of destiny.

Good luck.

 

[Kasha]

I am going to go and find that book TODAY!!. I would move if it were up to me..I hate it here and we stay because of his family. I do want us to make it on our own and I intend to do that. My grandparents are really very supportive emotionally and everything else too and I sometimes feel like they are the only "parents" we should listen to. I need to get past being jealous and angry but hey I am human and it does make me mad that my husband is the only one in his family besides his stepdad to stay employed and be self sufficient (as much as we can be right now LOL) I am upset at times because I feel like in his family the less you do the more you get help... and the more you do for yourself the less they want to help. I just feel like personally I would be more willing to help out someone that was putting forth effort than to someone who was just stagnant. )

 

[Ksss]

I second what Closet Desire stated. In the long run, you will respect yourselves more because you were able to make it on your own. Your husbands parents aren't helping his sisters by continually helping them financially. If they keep paying their bills and buying them homes, the girls will never be able to mature and become responsible adults. They will know that when ever they have any financial problems mommy and daddy will be there to help them out, never making it so they have to struggle or scrimp and save for what they want or need. The parents are hindering them from growing up and being independent.

 

[Countess DeWinter]

Are you ME???
The details are eerily similar! My husband and I have been married almost 9 years, and have struggled financially. And it was always MY parents who helped us while his parents still virtually support his two sisters.
Sadly, it seeps over into our children. My in-laws are constantly babysitting and taking care of (and buying stuff for) his sister's kids, but barely know our four kids.

My solution was to pursue the relationships with my family. My kids know my parents and my sisters very well. My oldest (step)daughter thinks my mother is the only one she can talk to when she's got girl issues (she's twelve going on 25, so she's got lots of them, lol!).

Everyone's given you good advice which I can only second. But just remember, you will come out ahead in the end

 

[Ambrosious]

What do I do...

Learn to start paragraphs?

Ignore the mom. You are classier, and have it together, or else she would bail you out every three weeks too.

 

[Andra_Jenny]

Divorce the Family

I know a guy whose mom saved all the bills for all the expenses for his upbringing and paraded them out to win her way in every argument. Even as a married man, she would go out, buy him stuff, and add it to the bill. AND SHE EXPECTED TO BE PAID OFF.

My famiy was worse, but once I got away from them (USMC - urrahh) and learned who I was. I was much better off!

 

[*Lazer*]

It helps sometimes to take a step back and look at what it is you need from this woman. Once you figure out that then you can ask her for it in clear language. Perhaps she does not see your need.

The other thing I noticed is that they(sisters) have children. Perhaps the your mother-in-law was thinking of them when she was helping. Maybe trying to put some stability into their lives. It reminds me of a saying I heard once. "I love all my children and that love is as individual as they are". Just food for thought.