What are your thoughts on my story “Kelsi’s Adventures”

[WW2Mike]

What was the basic plot summary between Jordan and Kelsi in “Kelsi’s Adventures”? I want the whole recap and your thoughts about the whole story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/kelsis-adventures

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

Um... a quick disclaimer for any authors/readers with squick sensitivity: this is an incest non-con/rape story. I, personally, would have appreciated knowing before clicking the link.

In any case, since I’ve read it now....

OP, you’ve asked for a recap and feedback about your first published story (and side note: I think the request for a recap was a clever way to avoid comments from those who like to comment but don’t like to read.)

The plot: Jordan and Kelsi are father and daughter, and have just driven to the beach. They take a walk, during which he gets drunk, and after which he rubs her feet and then assaults her; notably, beachgoers notice but no one helps her. Jordan then drags Kelsi to an empty bar, strips her naked, invites other men to assault, too, and then rapes her. Somehow, afterward, it’s all ok between them as they leave the beach.

Structural feedback: This quick read (1500 words—my plot summary’s almost as long) lacked sufficient editing and revision. There were glaring grammar problems (incorrect and missing punctuation, mixed tenses, comma splices, dangling modifiers, etc etc); equally obvious non sequiturs, malapropisms and solecisms; and sex-mechanics problems/surrealities that readers typically dislike (for example, your characters use high-proof alcohol and foot sweat as lube).

Based on some dialogue, I got the impression that English might not be your first language; if that’s the case, I’d suggest that you visit the Editor’s Forum and ask for help from an editor willing to read non-con/rape stories.

Analysis: Despite its many lapsus calamae, I was nonetheless unsure where this story’s merits lie. I won’t mince words and I’m sorry if this is disappointing to read: on the surface, this story just seems to be a badly written stroke piece. Some authors don’t really care about that; you seem to. I saw that you asked for feedback not only here but also in your comments section; that seeming seriousness about your work left me wondering what literary value you think “Kelsi’s Adventures” has, and likewise wanting to give you the benefit of the doubt that there’s something more to this story. I re-read the story, purposefully trying to give more thought to its possible merits.

There are valid criticisms of the incest/taboo genre that the stories glorify thinly veiled abuse; that there’s no real consent in I/T relationships; that the readers are impressed regardless of banality or poor writing so long as there’s gratuitous taboo sex. “Kelsi’s Adventures” could be seen as an unvarnished illumination of such criticisms, and even putting a magnifying glass to some of the most disturbing (for example, “... the same strangers who were in awe of Jordan giving Kelsi a foot massage earlier are now noticing that Jordan is escalating things to a sexual nature, but choose to ignore the scene anyway as they just shrug it all off like nothing happened.” and “Why are you treating me like this?!? —Because Kelsi, I only said you were beautiful to make you happy.”)

If you purposefully meant to confront the dark underbelly of the genre with your literary choices, then I’m intrigued and applaud you. But obviously, I’m not the one to decide your authorial intent, or the right interpretation of your story. Despite trying to both read analytically and without personal detest for this type of material, I can’t shake a presumption that your sole intent here was simply to publish an outrageously obscene fantasy, possibly typed up onehandedly and submitted without second glance; if that’s the case, while “Kelsi’s Adventures” may have met that goal, the story otherwise, at best, falls flat.

 

[WW2Mike]

Um... a quick disclaimer for any authors/readers with squick sensitivity: this is an incest non-con/rape story. I, personally, would have appreciated knowing before clicking the link.

In any case, since I’ve read it now....

OP, you’ve asked for a recap and feedback about your first published story (and side note: I think the request for a recap was a clever way to avoid comments from those who like to comment but don’t like to read.)

The plot: Jordan and Kelsi are father and daughter, and have just driven to the beach. They take a walk, during which he gets drunk, and after which he rubs her feet and then assaults her; notably, beachgoers notice but no one helps her. Jordan then drags Kelsi to an empty bar, strips her naked, invites other men to assault, too, and then rapes her. Somehow, afterward, it’s all ok between them as they leave the beach.

Structural feedback: This quick read (1500 words—my plot summary’s almost as long) lacked sufficient editing and revision. There were glaring grammar problems (incorrect and missing punctuation, mixed tenses, comma splices, dangling modifiers, etc etc); equally obvious non sequiturs, malapropisms and solecisms; and sex-mechanics problems/surrealities that readers typically dislike (for example, your characters use high-proof alcohol and foot sweat as lube).

Based on some dialogue, I got the impression that English might not be your first language; if that’s the case, I’d suggest that you visit the Editor’s Forum and ask for help from an editor willing to read non-con/rape stories.

Analysis: Despite its many lapsus calamae, I was nonetheless unsure where this story’s merits lie. I won’t mince words and I’m sorry if this is disappointing to read: on the surface, this story just seems to be a badly written stroke piece. Some authors don’t really care about that; you seem to. I saw that you asked for feedback not only here but also in your comments section; that seeming seriousness about your work left me wondering what literary value you think “Kelsi’s Adventures” has, and likewise wanting to give you the benefit of the doubt that there’s something more to this story. I re-read the story, purposefully trying to give more thought to its possible merits.

There are valid criticisms of the incest/taboo genre that the stories glorify thinly veiled abuse; that there’s no real consent in I/T relationships; that the readers are impressed regardless of banality or poor writing so long as there’s gratuitous taboo sex. “Kelsi’s Adventures” could be seen as an unvarnished illumination of such criticisms, and even putting a magnifying glass to some of the most disturbing (for example, “... the same strangers who were in awe of Jordan giving Kelsi a foot massage earlier are now noticing that Jordan is escalating things to a sexual nature, but choose to ignore the scene anyway as they just shrug it all off like nothing happened.” and “Why are you treating me like this?!? —Because Kelsi, I only said you were beautiful to make you happy.”)

If you purposefully meant to confront the dark underbelly of the genre with your literary choices, then I’m intrigued and applaud you. But obviously, I’m not the one to decide your authorial intent, or the right interpretation of your story. Despite trying to both read analytically and without personal detest for this type of material, I can’t shake a presumption that your sole intent here was simply to publish an outrageously obscene fantasy, possibly typed up onehandedly and submitted without second glance; if that’s the case, while “Kelsi’s Adventures” may have met that goal, the story otherwise, at best, falls flat.

Here are the small parts to answer:

1. What does Jordan do to Kelsi’s feet throughout the story how many times?

2. Does Jordan kiss Kelsi on the mouth at all or not, at various points in the story?

3. Was it Kelsi’s idea to let Jordan rub her feet on the park bench?

4. What was the purpose of Jordan telling Kelsi to wear her Converse sneakers without socks?

5. Do Kelsi and Jordan make peace at the end despite what happened?

6. How did the beachgoers really feel when Jordan was just initially rubbing Kelsi’s feet?

7. Why didn’t the beachgoers come in to help Kelsi when Jordan escalated to kissing and licking her toes and the tips of her toes?

8. Did Kelsi have an orgasm or not?

9. How many times does Jordan insult Kelsi during the story?

10. What do you think will happen to Jordan and Kelsi during their car ride back to their house, due to them leaving all their clothes behind back at the beach (with the exception of Kelsi wearing her Converse sneakers without socks again)?

 

[NotWise]

Here are the small parts to answer:

1. What does Jordan do to Kelsi’s feet throughout the story how many times?

2. Does Jordan kiss Kelsi on the mouth at all or not, at various points in the story?

3. Was it Kelsi’s idea to let Jordan rub her feet on the park bench?

4. What was the purpose of Jordan telling Kelsi to wear her Converse sneakers without socks?

5. Do Kelsi and Jordan make peace at the end despite what happened?

6. How did the beachgoers really feel when Jordan was just initially rubbing Kelsi’s feet?

7. Why didn’t the beachgoers come in to help Kelsi when Jordan escalated to kissing and licking her toes and the tips of her toes?

8. Did Kelsi have an orgasm or not?

9. How many times does Jordan insult Kelsi during the story?

10. What do you think will happen to Jordan and Kelsi during their car ride back to their house, due to them leaving all their clothes behind back at the beach (with the exception of Kelsi wearing her Converse sneakers without socks again)?

Why do you need someone else to answer these questions?

I thought your original request to summarize the plot was strange. Now you've gone to creepy.

 

[WW2Mike]

Why do you need someone else to answer these questions?

I thought your original request to summarize the plot was strange.

The basic plot summary was the first thing that was on my mind. And then I wanted your thoughts on the following questions.