What are your thoughts on my story “Just A Little”?

[WW2Mike]

What was the basic plot summary between Jordan and Sina in “Just A Little”? I want the whole recap and your thoughts about the whole story.

https://literotica.com/s/just-a-little-2

 

[KeithD]

I don't know why you continue to try this technique here. As far as I can remember, it never has worked.

 

[yukonnights]

What was the basic plot summary between Jordan and Sina in “Just A Little”? I want the whole recap and your thoughts about the whole story.

https://literotica.com/s/just-a-little-2

Well, I read it. Frankly, it isn't done very well.

It starts with this;

My name is Sina. I am a 26-year-old postwoman working at a post office. In my spare time I took classes of protecting not only myself but the protection of others. Not only that but years of feminine advice handed down from generations of ladies before me had been instilled in me.

The above is a perfect example of an "info dump". You're in Sina's head/thoughts and I find it hard to believe anyone would think these things about themself. In short, this is an attempt at a shortcut to fill in some info about Sina. I think it falls short of the mark.

The underlined parts; a postwoman obviously works in a post office. The "working in a post office" is redundant. The quick repetition of 'Not only' distracts from the narrative.

So when a handsome charmer approached me in his best "I woke up horny and sexy" disguise as I was hanging out in a club with my friends, I guess I know I would fall in love with him.

Why are there quotations around; I woke up horny and sexy — but they then fall away for the rest of the sentence? Double quotations designates verbal speech.

Also the part that follows … sexy disguise —> as I was hanging out in a club with my friends, I guess I know I would fall in love with him. <— This is a combination of present tense and past tense. I think you intended it to all be past tense? > So when a handsome charmer approached me in his best (best what?), I woke up horny and disgused as I was hanging out in a club with my friends. I guess I knew I would fall in love with him.

Jordan was so slick. A soft whisper, a promise that he wasn't here on gang business...ha! I could only fruitlessly think as froze, forcing him to take me away from the safety of the public eye as Jordan assured the patrons that he was my "friend" and was taking me home. After all, who doesn't believe a handsome and charismatic man, even when Jordan started to fondle me.

You begin with some apparently unknown/unnamed 'handsome charmer' who then suddenly materializes as Jordan? This is clunky a best, confusing at the worst.

My overall thought about the "story" is; This isn't really a story. It's at best a scene from a story. I don't mention any of this to be rude or harsh. However, you should recognize that you need to brush up on some of the basics of story craft. Kudos for getting in the ring, but the couple of comments you had on the story are also trying to help you see where you need improvement. Sadly, at least one of them voted a 1 … which came of as pretty rude and harsh IMO.

Hope this helps — and keep learning and writing !

 

[Lifestyle66]

What was the basic plot summary between Jordan and Sina in “Just A Little”? I want the whole recap and your thoughts about the whole story.

https://literotica.com/s/just-a-little-2

I gave you a review of your last story. And you have received comments on previous stories saying YOU NEED AN EDITOR (at best), because your stories are incomplete, redundant, and rushed.