What am I?

[BlueFireDragon]

I am interested in the BDSM lifestyle, but I have no idea if I'm a domme or a sub...this sounds really stupid, but how do I figure it out? Also, my boyfriend isn't really open to new things; any ideas how to broach the subject with him/possibly get him interested?

 

[Xelebes]

Say screw the titles and just ask him if he wants to do things. Or something.

 

[BlueFireDragon]

I would really like to figure out how the hell this entire process works...is there a process, or have I just spent too long overthinking this? I mean, can you switch back and forth, or what? (Sorry I sound so stupid, I'm really new at this).

 

[wolf2002]

I would really like to figure out how the hell this entire process works...is there a process, or have I just spent too long overthinking this? I mean, can you switch back and forth, or what? (Sorry I sound so stupid, I'm really new at this).

There is a process, but only a learning proces... Think about yourself, do you like to be in control when it comes to sex (or in life as general, in fact)? In that case the Dominant role might suit you... Or do you prefer to be guided, to give yourself completely to your lover? That may mean you are a sub... if you like both, you might call yourself a switch...

But to be honest, personally I have learned to stop putting labels on myself, since they never last...

Just try to experiment a little bit... tie your bf up once or let him tie you, blindfolding, a little role play... you'll find out soon enough if you are ready for more...

BTW, don;t feel stupid to ask questions, most people on this board have had them as well and this is a great place to get some answers...


Wolf

 

[BlueFireDragon]

There is a process, but only a learning proces... Think about yourself, do you like to be in control when it comes to sex (or in life as general, in fact)? In that case the Dominant role might suit you... Or do you prefer to be guided, to give yourself completely to your lover? That may mean you are a sub... if you like both, you might call yourself a switch...

But to be honest, personally I have learned to stop putting labels on myself, since they never last...

Just try to experiment a little bit... tie your bf up once or let him tie you, blindfolding, a little role play... you'll find out soon enough if you are ready for more...

BTW, don;t feel stupid to ask questions, most people on this board have had them as well and this is a great place to get some answers...


Wolf

Thank you, that is helpful information. Nice people make me happy

 

[caela]

Don't feel stupid, everyone has to start with the question "Who am I" at some point. There is tons of good reading material in the library that will give lots and lots of food for thought. I know someone around here must have link to some good informational sites as well...this early in the day the only one I can remember is www.castlerealm.com .

Learn what you can and while you're doing that see if you can't get your boyfriend to play a little bit. A little bondage, a blindfold, maybe some clothespins ( ) or some roleplaying. Be safe and have fun!

 

[curiousjen]

Me and my husband experimented with different roles before we decided what we were comfortable with- and the advice everyone here is giving you is great advice- that is- you only really figure it out by doing it.

However, having said that, the bdsm story section is a good place to start on this very site. Figure out who you identify with and what turns you one.

Don't be scared of bringing up the subject gently- fantiesties of control are very common and its likely that he won't be surprised when you share your fantasy- maybe he'll even give a little Woo hoo! You never know!

Good luck on your journey.

 

[HawkEye38]

I would really like to figure out how the hell this entire process works...is there a process, or have I just spent too long overthinking this? I mean, can you switch back and forth, or what? (Sorry I sound so stupid, I'm really new at this).

There is nothing wrong with being a "switch"...

I've known that I've liked bdsm since I was a little kid, and I've known
exactley what it is for years now... and I still switch back and forth.

In my opinion there is nothing more boring in life than doing the same thing
over and over (no offence to any lifestyle peeps that may be reading this, I
respect what you do and the courage it takes, don't get me wrong). Wether
I'm dominant or submissive is all dependant on my mood. If I've had a day of
feeling powerless (like at my job ::sigh:: ) I'm likely to be in a dominant mood
when I get home to balance it out. If I've had a day of trying to herd my
classmates into getting a group project done on time, I'm more likley to want
to be submissive and give all control to someone else. I could never imagine
having to just choose one and stick with it for an extended period of time.
You should feel no pressure to choose, and if you do find an edge of the
spectrum that has a more appealing color then that's all right too.

The fact of the matter, and of life, is (and I think everyone will agree with
me on this matter) we are what we are because we are who we are, not
because of what someone tells us to be or because of what society demands
we be. Even if what we are is being in a constant state of change.

Ok, that's my philosophical rant for the day... I'm done.

 

[GRIFFBABY]

You are a switch. You enjoy pain and you also like handing it out. Don't worry about your b/f he will either get into it or not. Most people have to be work themselves into the lifestyle not many are just willing to jump in. In other words let him and you experiment and figure out what each of you like.

 

[laurel-marie]

All great advice given.
Not much I can add, just remember communication is important. You might be surprised and find out he is interested in this too.

 

[Little Bird]

You are a switch. You enjoy pain and you also like handing it out. Don't worry about your b/f he will either get into it or not. Most people have to be work themselves into the lifestyle not many are just willing to jump in. In other words let him and you experiment and figure out what each of you like.

I think it's not that easy... I enjoy pain, too but I hate both domination and submision. As I would do anything to my partner that I want to get from him/her I would give pain, too but I enjoy it as giving pleasure and nothing else...

 

[english vicky]

Then there are people like me, who just knew they were sub from day one. I used to go to stupid little local gigs when i was a young teenager, not cause i liked the boy band my mate dragged me along to see, but because i loved to get up there at the front and be overpowered by the big strong security men....that was really the first time an experience turned me on. i was probably about 14 when that started.

Prior to that, i was always playing with handcuff sets...on myself, or getting a friend to be the cop i would always be the robber. always. i would also tie my wrists and ankles with bandages because i loved the restriction. And sometimes when my mum/dad would come to tuck me into bed at night, i wanted to be tucked in really tight so that i couldn't move.

There are things that we all see in ourselves that sometimes might need a little enouragment to come out. My encouragement was finding the internet and putting a name to what it was i was feeling.

So what if you like being Dominant and sub? Hey...the way i see it is that at least you get to see both sides of the coin, and perhaps even find out you like one more than the other.

To try testing the Dominant feelings, to start off lightly, why don't you try telling your partner what to do when you're in bed together. Simple words spoken with some authority, such as 'put your hands behind your head' or 'turn over'. Even small things like that could introduce some roles into your relationship, if that's what you want to do.

i don't know if i've been any help, i'm hardly what you can call an expert, far from it...but that's how i feel about things anyway!

Good luck and have fun.

 

[seaMaster]

I am not good at giving advise but I can pass on soom experience. My slave C and I were together for shall we say a looong time before we found out what was missing in our relationship. I know now that she is a natural sub something I almost learned too late. I also realized how much I wanted to dominate her I don't know if I am a natural Dom but it was so easy for me to take up the whip and tie her up and whip her. I am learning to control her mind bodie and soul. I desire more than I thought I would. After living the life for two years I rememberd some long forgotten fantasies I had as a early teen about dominating and having as many as four girls at one time(ok so every young male wants that, but I wanted to dominate them not just have sex) anyway what I guess I am saying is take your time learn what you need what your BF needs and take it from there. Good luck