What am I supposed to be learning from this?

[blulilacgrl]

I am really in a quandary and my head is going round and round here. Sir is having some issues but refuses my help. And I can't help but be both angry and hurt at the same time. I have tried to be patient. I have tried to ask myself what I should be learning here... but I get so damn aggravated. Here he is having these problems and if he would just let me help him! I know I am being very vague and I apologize for it but what it comes down to is this -- What do you do when your Dom has an issue and won't let you help?

It is especially frustrating when what he needs is what I excel at. I am really good at gathering and organizing information. And I am fuckin' fantastic at getting the right people together to get shit done! But he won't allow me to do any of this to help him. So I find myself feeling hurt because I feel in some way he is denying me the opportunity to be everything I am, to let my strengths show to their best advantage. And he is asking (pfftt... telling me!) not to do or be what I really am.

So I adopted a kind of "eh... chump don't want no help, chump don't get no help" attitude. But now I find myself getting really pissy with him. When he mentions the issue I find myself shrugging and telling him he has to be tough if he's gonna be stupid. (Yes I know probably not the thing to be saying but I am so frustrated!!)

So does anybody have an idea of what I am supposed to be learning from this? The only thing I can think of is patience... but damn I really don't have any of that.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I am really in a quandary and my head is going round and round here. Sir is having some issues but refuses my help. And I can't help but be both angry and hurt at the same time. I have tried to be patient. I have tried to ask myself what I should be learning here... but I get so damn aggravated. Here he is having these problems and if he would just let me help him! I know I am being very vague and I apologize for it but what it comes down to is this -- What do you do when your Dom has an issue and won't let you help?

It is especially frustrating when what he needs is what I excel at. I am really good at gathering and organizing information. And I am fuckin' fantastic at getting the right people together to get shit done! But he won't allow me to do any of this to help him. So I find myself feeling hurt because I feel in some way he is denying me the opportunity to be everything I am, to let my strengths show to their best advantage. And he is asking (pfftt... telling me!) not to do or be what I really am.

So I adopted a kind of "eh... chump don't want no help, chump don't get no help" attitude. But now I find myself getting really pissy with him. When he mentions the issue I find myself shrugging and telling him he has to be tough if he's gonna be stupid. (Yes I know probably not the thing to be saying but I am so frustrated!!)

So does anybody have an idea of what I am supposed to be learning from this? The only thing I can think of is patience... but damn I really don't have any of that.

Best to try to focus on giving what is the hardest to give and try to spend it knowing the effort is the service... or care... or something. Maybe helping him is spending the energy on finding more patience? I try to remind myself that not liking the answer doesn't really make it wrong. Often, when its an answer to hard stuff, it is usually most right.

These moments when you care about someone can be aggravating for sure. Whatever you do, try even harder not to lose your sense of humor... humans are kind of messy things.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Best to try to focus on giving what is the hardest to give and try to spend it knowing the effort is the service... or care... or something. Maybe helping him is spending the energy on finding more patience? I try to remind myself that not liking the answer doesn't really make it wrong. Often, when its an answer to hard stuff, it is usually most right.

These moments when you care about someone can be aggravating for sure. Whatever you do, try even harder not to lose your sense of humor... humans are kind of messy things.

Thanks for that. I really needed a laugh. God! It is so frustrating!! It's like someone complaining about cooking dinner. Bitching about how he can't cook dinner and doesn't like the results. Meanwhile I am sitting there waving my hand furiously going "I like to cook! Please let me cook for you!!"

I know I could make this easier for him, if only he would stop being such a stubborn ass and let me!!

 

[JMohegan]

I am really in a quandary and my head is going round and round here. Sir is having some issues but refuses my help. And I can't help but be both angry and hurt at the same time. I have tried to be patient. I have tried to ask myself what I should be learning here... but I get so damn aggravated. Here he is having these problems and if he would just let me help him! I know I am being very vague and I apologize for it but what it comes down to is this -- What do you do when your Dom has an issue and won't let you help?

It is especially frustrating when what he needs is what I excel at. I am really good at gathering and organizing information. And I am fuckin' fantastic at getting the right people together to get shit done! But he won't allow me to do any of this to help him. So I find myself feeling hurt because I feel in some way he is denying me the opportunity to be everything I am, to let my strengths show to their best advantage. And he is asking (pfftt... telling me!) not to do or be what I really am.

So I adopted a kind of "eh... chump don't want no help, chump don't get no help" attitude. But now I find myself getting really pissy with him. When he mentions the issue I find myself shrugging and telling him he has to be tough if he's gonna be stupid. (Yes I know probably not the thing to be saying but I am so frustrated!!)

So does anybody have an idea of what I am supposed to be learning from this? The only thing I can think of is patience... but damn I really don't have any of that.

I can tell you what I'd be learning, from the other side.

I'd be learning that that you can't be trusted to keep your ego in check and follow instructions in times of stress. Also, that you're mouthy and disrespectful when you're not getting everything you want.

 

[naughtabell]

I have never been in a D/s relationship but I wonder if asking you for help might be an unbalancing of the power and dynamic you have established between one another. My other thought is that you are the good in his life at the moment. Maybe he dosen't want to mix the good and the bad.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to stand back and watch him struggle. I hope whatever his problem things turn around for him. Keep your head up...

 

[DVS]

I am really in a quandary and my head is going round and round here. Sir is having some issues but refuses my help. And I can't help but be both angry and hurt at the same time. I have tried to be patient. I have tried to ask myself what I should be learning here... but I get so damn aggravated. Here he is having these problems and if he would just let me help him! I know I am being very vague and I apologize for it but what it comes down to is this -- What do you do when your Dom has an issue and won't let you help?

It is especially frustrating when what he needs is what I excel at. I am really good at gathering and organizing information. And I am fuckin' fantastic at getting the right people together to get shit done! But he won't allow me to do any of this to help him. So I find myself feeling hurt because I feel in some way he is denying me the opportunity to be everything I am, to let my strengths show to their best advantage. And he is asking (pfftt... telling me!) not to do or be what I really am.

So I adopted a kind of "eh... chump don't want no help, chump don't get no help" attitude. But now I find myself getting really pissy with him. When he mentions the issue I find myself shrugging and telling him he has to be tough if he's gonna be stupid. (Yes I know probably not the thing to be saying but I am so frustrated!!)

So does anybody have an idea of what I am supposed to be learning from this? The only thing I can think of is patience... but damn I really don't have any of that.

He might just want to fix this on his own, without anybody's help. If he knows this is right up your alley and still doesn't want help, what else can you do? When it comes to doms, some of them like to think they can do it all. I guess you can watch him crash and burn. Maybe then he'll ask for your help.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I can tell you what I'd be learning, from the other side.

I'd be learning that that you can't be trusted to keep your ego in check and follow instructions in times of stress. Also, that you're mouthy and disrespectful when you're not getting everything you want.

A) I am always mouthy and disrespectful. I think if I stopped he would keel over from a heart attack.

2) I will admit that at first your words stung and I wanted to argue. But I am going to try and keep that instinctual reaction in check and see if you can explain what I am missing here. Do you think this is just some test?

I have never been in a D/s relationship but I wonder if asking you for help might be an unbalancing of the power and dynamic you have established between one another. My other thought is that you are the good in his life at the moment. Maybe he dosen't want to mix the good and the bad.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to stand back and watch him struggle. I hope whatever his problem things turn around for him. Keep your head up...

It hurts me to watch him struggle. It is a physical hurt and there have been times I have had to walk away not just out of frustration but also to get a moment to gather myself together. I feel so helpless. I want to help. And I know I could. But I am left on the sidelines with my hands tied because he doesn't want my help.

 

[blulilacgrl]

He might just want to fix this on his own, without anybody's help. If he knows this is right up your alley and still doesn't want help, what else can you do? When it comes to doms, some of them like to think they can do it all. I guess you can watch him crash and burn. Maybe then he'll ask for your help.

I wish that were the case. He is so freakin' stubborn. He could crash out over and over again and probably still wouldn't let me help.

You know what I think really gets to me is that I feel like I am supposed to make his life easier. That after everything he does for me, this is what I do for him. But it is hard to do that when he won't let me.

 

[JMohegan]

A) I am always mouthy and disrespectful. I think if I stopped he would keel over from a heart attack.

2) I will admit that at first your words stung and I wanted to argue. But I am going to try and keep that instinctual reaction in check and see if you can explain what I am missing here. Do you think this is just some test?

No, you haven't said anything that makes me think this is "just some test." But folks learn about each other every moment that they interact in a relationship, yes?

I don't know what kind of a relationship you have with the guy, or how literally you folks take the D and s.

My point was that what *I* would be learning - meaning, if the guy has an expectation of deference, or actual submission to instructions/guidelines/requests, as I do - would be that you can't be trusted to hold up your end of the bargain when you're frustrated or pissed.

 

[JMohegan]

I wish that were the case. He is so freakin' stubborn. He could crash out over and over again and probably still wouldn't let me help.

You know what I think really gets to me is that I feel like I am supposed to make his life easier. That after everything he does for me, this is what I do for him. But it is hard to do that when he won't let me.

If he's like me, what makes his life infinitely easier is for his partner to do what he says. That's why he's a D who seeks out an s.

Unless he's fucking up in some critical, life-altering, health-threatening, relationship-endangering, key ethical or basic human decency sense. Then the expectation would be: speak up.

 

[blulilacgrl]

No, you haven't said anything that makes me think this is "just some test." But folks learn about each other every moment that they interact in a relationship, yes?

I don't know what kind of a relationship you have with the guy, or how literally you folks take the D and s.

My point was that what *I* would be learning - meaning, if the guy has an expectation of deference, or actual submission to instructions/guidelines/requests, as I do - would be that you can't be trusted to hold up your end of the bargain when you're frustrated or pissed.

hmm... to be honest we have a pretty fluid relationship. There are some things that he expects (and gets) deference and complete submission. The hard part is that we spent a long time as just friends. This change in our relationship is fairly recent. So, it is difficult to go from being able to tell him to stop being an idiot to this expectation of not giving my thoughts or advice on a situation. And perhaps (now that I think about it) it is even more frustrating. When we were just friends I feel like he listened more to my thoughts and opinions. Maybe that is just my perception right now as I am hurting and upset though.

 

[JMohegan]

hmm... to be honest we have a pretty fluid relationship. There are some things that he expects (and gets) deference and complete submission. The hard part is that we spent a long time as just friends. This change in our relationship is fairly recent. So, it is difficult to go from being able to tell him to stop being an idiot to this expectation of not giving my thoughts or advice on a situation. And perhaps (now that I think about it) it is even more frustrating. When we were just friends I feel like he listened more to my thoughts and opinions. Maybe that is just my perception right now as I am hurting and upset though.

Have you told him all this? Not when you're worked up getting critical and sassy, but in a calm, we-need-to-talk moment?

 

[DVS]

I wish that were the case. He is so freakin' stubborn. He could crash out over and over again and probably still wouldn't let me help.

You know what I think really gets to me is that I feel like I am supposed to make his life easier. That after everything he does for me, this is what I do for him. But it is hard to do that when he won't let me.

I don't think this is any test or something you're suppose to learn. Because, if it is, he's a lousy teacher.

Stubborn does fit the way he's acting. People can be stubborn about the silliest things and getting past that wall can be very difficult. In fact, when you try, they can sometimes get even more stubborn about it.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Have you told him all this? Not when you're worked up getting critical and sassy, but in a calm, we-need-to-talk moment?

I haven't. I am still not 100% sure if that is the case. I mean there are times that I feel that way but I can't point to any one specific thing as proof of it. And with everything going on, I don't want to bring up an argument where I can't say definitively 'when you did this... I felt...' But it is something I struggle with. A feeling that I have lost something in this exchange. Then again I could just be feeling very emotional. I am hurting and very frustrated right now.

 

[JMohegan]

I haven't. I am still not 100% sure if that is the case. I mean there are times that I feel that way but I can't point to any one specific thing as proof of it. And with everything going on, I don't want to bring up an argument where I can't say definitively 'when you did this... I felt...' But it is something I struggle with. A feeling that I have lost something in this exchange. Then again I could just be feeling very emotional. I am hurting and very frustrated right now.

I'm a lot more willing to engage in a conservation that starts with a sincere: "I am hurting and frustrated" than one that starts with: "I'm fucking fantastic" at this thing you suck at, and you're a "stubborn ass."

You know, it's possible that he's uncomfortable in the new role, too. Maybe he thinks he needs to put on a badass, I don't need help, persona as a new D. He might have a legitimate reason for refusing your help, or he might be displaying some role insecurity.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I don't think this is any test or something you're suppose to learn. Because, if it is, he's a lousy teacher.

Stubborn does fit the way he's acting. People can be stubborn about the silliest things and getting past that wall can be very difficult. In fact, when you try, they can sometimes get even more stubborn about it.

Stubborn is the perfect adjective for him! [laughs]

I'm a lot more willing to engage in a conservation that starts with a sincere: "I am hurting and frustrated" than one that starts with: "I'm fucking fantastic" at this thing you suck at, and you're a "stubborn ass."

You know, it's possible that he's uncomfortable in the new role, too. Maybe he thinks he needs to put on a badass, I don't need help, persona as a new D. He might have a legitimate reason for refusing your help, or he might be displaying some role insecurity.

A) I have always called him Stubborn Ass.

2) I have tried to be diplomatic. I have begged and pleaded "please let me help you. Let me take some of this burden for you. Please I am good at this, please trust me and let me make this easier for you"

It's not that he 'sucks' at it. But it frustrates him, makes him cranky, and he hates it. But apparently no matter how much he hates it, he doesn't hate it enough to let me try and help.

 

[Croi_Leoin]

I get that it's frustrating from a sub perspective, but I 100% agree with JMohegan.

As a sub, your job is to satisfy what your Dom is asking you (or not asking you).

So, I'd say just sit tight and be available-- I'd imagine that's really all he wants. I sort of have a switch mentality about things, but if I were your Dom I wouldn't like you thinking that I couldn't handle myself or keep my shit together. I wouldn't want your help because receiving help from a sub (unless it was my idea in the first place) is disempowering.

So, if you want to suggest things, that's fine, but just don't get all huffy about it when he says no or ignores it. My best advice though would be to say to him that if there's anything you could do to help, for him to let you know. Maybe add how much it'd mean to you to be able to help him in something... so he thinks you helping is also of benefit to you. And then leave it at that.

Good luck

 

[BiBunny]

So...he doesn't actually want any help, but he wants to bitch to you about it?

Fuck that, I wouldn't have any sympathy for him, either.

 

[intothewoods]

Stubborn is the perfect adjective for him! [laughs]




A) I have always called him Stubborn Ass.

2) I have tried to be diplomatic. I have begged and pleaded "please let me help you. Let me take some of this burden for you. Please I am good at this, please trust me and let me make this easier for you"

It's not that he 'sucks' at it. But it frustrates him, makes him cranky, and he hates it. But apparently no matter how much he hates it, he doesn't hate it enough to let me try and help.

Some people need time and space to work through their shit on their own terms. I don't even think this is a D/s issue really.

 

[Netzach]

There are definitely things I am bad at that I simply will not let other people do for me either. I have no idea why, but it's just beyond my sharing space.

 

[Felonious1]

@ the OP

It's simple. If he wanted you all up in his shit in this case, he'd allow you to step in and take over. It's his personal life decision to make and your's to accept. The reason (s) why he chooses to go at this alone are totally irrelevant to you.

I'd personally find it disrespectful if I were in his place and you didn't respect my boundaries by standing down with grace and restraint when I chose to undertake something in solitary fashion. ( no matter how poorly you think I might be doing it, or how much better you think you could complete said task )

The fact that you're frustrated by not being allowed to rush in to save your sir's day regarding this unrevealed task, really reeks of hyper- vigilism on your part. My suggestion is to break yourself back a notch or two and get your expectations in alignment with the realistic non-possibility you're facing with since he's not allowing you to help. Once accepted and processed well, you can halt being needlessly frustrated over something that's not your shit to begin with IMO.

Felonious

 

[welkin]

Agreed that this might not be D/s issue, but simply a "male pride" thing. Unless his crash and burn directly affects you, just step back and let him handle it in his own way. Remember, you are his partner, not his mom.

And don't let him get cranky with you either. Probably best just to tell him to figure it out on his own and come back to you when it's resolved.

 

[IrisAlthea]

From what you have written here I'm getting the feeling that this has been a high emotion/drama discussion between the two of you.
If that is the case, you could try to find a calm moment and just tell him that you are feeling left out and that you want to help out by doing x, y and z. Try to be very specific about x, y and z and ask if there is anything else you could do if that doesn't work for him. That way he still keeps in control over the situation.

The "let me take this burden from you and fix it for you"-approach always smells of taling over and annoys me unless it's something like taking out the garbage. He might be like that too.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Thanks guys for all your thoughts and advice.

I do want to clarify. I have backed off. I will concede that I was not graceful about it, but I have backed off. I am tired of fussin' and fightin' with him. And I accept that without his 'permission', there really isn't anything I can do.

I will, however, begin to look at this as a lesson in... um... obedience? patience? restraint? All of the above?


I will admit that I am having a difficult time with this. By refusing to allow me to do what I am good at, I feel like he is denying 'me'. Does that make sense? Has anyone dealt with this idea? I admit that we are only in the first few months of this 'relationship' so I don't know if this is just a thing subs go through as they find their 'place' (for lack of a better word) or if I am overreacting because it hurts and frustrates me or if this is simply him being an ass. Or some weird combination of all three.

 

[Primalex]

There are definitely things I am bad at that I simply will not let other people do for me either. I have no idea why, but it's just beyond my sharing space.

Same here.

And for some things even worse, where I'm bad at something, but would not accept any help from a specific person who is fucking good at it and would do it for free and where I would rather pay someone else for the help. And if I would do it myself, I'm sure I would curse while doing it nevertheless.

Humans are foremost emotional beings.