We're tellin' ya, they's REAL!

[TXExpress]

This is a thread for TXExpress and caspai, although we might at some point need some law-enforcement help (or another kind; who knows?). Enjoy ...

Introduction:

Ray Bob and Kathy Sneed live in the Klassic Kourts Trailer Lodge, hard by the Nevada/Utah border, in a used double-wide that his folks gave them as a wedding gift.

They have no kids, the Pregnancy Scare of '99 being that and nothing more, and have been married for "goin' on 20 months," Ray Bob says proudly, this having been the longest sustained commitment of his life, other than his subscription to Mad magazine. He is currently either "between jobs" or "self-employed" or "weighing career options," depending on his mood; Kathy's salary at the KMart and the occasional handout from Kathy's folks pretty much keeps them in this lap of luxury.

Wiry, with an unruly shock of dirty-blonde hair, his distinctive features include an impressive 18 of his original teeth, a perpetual 5 o'clock shadow, a flannel shirt with which he was so impressed that he had Kathy use her KMart employee discount —"10 whole percent ... honest!" — to buy him six more just like it, jeans that once were blue and good, honest, American work boots. No socks.

Kathy's biggest claim to fame, other than for catching Ray Bob, is that she has "the biggest boobs in four counties." That's saying something, too, if you could see the girls she went to high school with. She means to go back and get that diploma, too. Soon.

Anyway, her hair color changes with each box of Miss Clairol that she sees and wants to try, and her nails, that she has manicured once a month whether they need it or not, are about two inches long and gold glitter. She has permanant orange ridges dyed between her fingers from the quick tanning stuff you buy at the drug store. "No point in goin' to one of them fancy tannin' booth thingies when you have the God given sun outside, ya know?"

They live simply and unspectacularly, except, of course, for the frequent UFO visits. Over time, they largely have grown used to them, but this last one ... well, it has driven them to go to the County Sheriff's office, because ... well, we'll let them take it from here ...

 

[caspai]

Kathy

I tell you, they just got to listen to us this time. I know they think we're crazy, but they just got to listen. I mean, ignorin' the lights we kept tellin' 'm about was one thing, but when they come right through the front door durin' the Simpsons, that is jus' too much. And Maggie jus about to talk, too!

 

[TXExpress]

Ray Bob Sneed

You thank I don' know that? 'Course, then, ol' Homer ripped off a belch that woulda peeled paint; I damn near peed myself.

Dammit, woman, tuck them tits in. The sheriff ain't gonna listen no closer just because you're wavin' the twins in his face. 'Course ... well, hell, he might at that. I know I would ... heh heh heh heh.

Love ya, baby. Now get a move on.

OK, we're here. 'Scuse me, ma'am, but ... oh, they's waitin' for us. Knew we was comin', huh? Hear that, baby ... I think they musta seen it this time, too!

Sheriff! Good to see ya. How's the missus? That's nice ...

Listen ... this time ... I tell ya, it was AMAZIN'!

There we was, OK, watchin' The Simpsons like always — you know, ol' Maggie was about to talk — for real! — and then ol' Homer ripped off a belch that woulda peeled paint; I damn near peed myself. Anyways, I got mah arm around ol' Kathy, you know, lettin' my fingers do the walkin', like they said in them ol' Yeller Pages ads, and I got one of the twins cupped in mah hand, rubbin' it all sexy-like, you know ... Anyways, what happens next but the door flyin' open and all this dirt a'blowin' and lights all flashin' — yeah! just like all the other times! how did you know? — and what comes through the door, but ...

Well, hell's bells, woman, you seen it better'n me. You tell him.

What, sheriff? Yeah, they is nice, ain't they?

 

[caspai]

OK, OK, if you'd jus' give me a chance, Ray Bob sweetie, I'd tell 'em everythin'. You always was one ta jus take over, though. Kinda like that one night we wen' over ta that there casino for all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp night. Remember tha'? Anyway, them little fellas jus' got down right feisty this time, didn't they, Ray Bob sweetie? I mean, there we was, jus' mindin' our own business...well, Ray Bob was doin' a bit more mindin than I was, to tell ya the truth. Been waitin' years to hear that damn kid say somethin', an' I didn't wanna miss it. Anyway, there we was, just sittin on the sofa watchin' TeeVee when the door flys open and here comes this little group. No, I don't mean there weren't that many of 'em, I meant that they was little. Couldn't uv been more'n a foot or two high.

Boobie hatch? I jus' bought this bra, thank you very much. Blue Lilght Special, plus 10% cuz of the employee discount an' all.

 

[TXExpress]

Ray Bob

Yessir, I wonder sometimes what kinda mir'cle fabric they use to keep them monsters in place, know what ah mean?

What? Oh, yeah, the aliens. Couldn't believe it ... short lil' bastards; couldn't'a been more 'n five or six of 'em. I didn't recognize 'em; they musta been new. Anyways, hell, by now we know the drill — they don't even haveta point them laser thingies at us. We start walkin' to the door, you know, all slow like; make 'em feel good, like they're capturin' us — hell, you know, their bosses mighta been watchin'. Kinda like when I went up and told ever'one who could hear that day that KATHY PEARL SNEED IS THE BEST DAMNED SALES CLERK THIS KMART DONE EVER HAD, just so's her manager could hear. 'Member that, baby?

Anyways, we're walkin' up the ramp into their ship; looked like a newer model, didn't it? So they marches us up; we's still pretendin' to be "kidnapped," but we know the drill. I figure it's anal probe time, right? So I start droppin' trou like always; hell, I even started carryin' one of them Vaseline tubes in my pocket, so's I can be ready. But, no, they says.

And this is where it gets weird.

Back me up on this, baby, but when the one what was leadin' 'em talked into that English trans-a-lation thingie where what they's sayin' in alien prints out on one o' them screens, it says: NO, EARTH PEOPLE. OUR NUMBERS, AS YOU SEE, ARE DWINDLING. YOU MUST SHOW US THE WAYS OF YOUR REPRODUCTION. YOU MUST DEMONSTRATE ON EACH OTHER, THEN COACH US.

Well, sir, you coulda knocked me over with a feather! Ain't that right, baby?

 

[caspai]

Ya know, Ray Bob sweetie, I was kinda surprised at tha' one m'self. I mean, I ain't done none a tha' lettin' people watch stuff since high school, and then it was only on a bet. Come to think of it, them bastards never did pay up on that bet!

But yeah, alls they wanned was for us ta get all hot an heavy, an let 'em watch. Now, in all the time we's been havin' these here experiences, what they calls 'em, we ain't never met any kinky aliens. Ya know wha' I mean? But alls they wanned was for us to carry on an' all, an' then coach em! I mean, I never even made cheerleader or nothin'. Said my splits wasn't good 'nuff. Can you even believe tha'? What the hell is we gonna know 'bout coachin'?

Wha' can ya do, though. We's already on this here ship, an' they jus' don' seem like tha kind what's gonna take any kinda no answer.

 

[TXExpress]

Ray Bob

OK, so there I am, already bare-ass. Never saw why so many folks say they gotta have underwear; just feels right to let ever'thin' jangle, you know? So I figure, OK, hell, we was gettin' pretty warmed up when Maggie was close to gonna talk, so why not? So I rubbed mah hands together and said "Hot damn!" or somethin' like that and unbuttoned my good, flannel shirt. Kinda got red-faced when I couldn't walk; forgot to take off mah boots, so my jeans are down around mah ankles. I don't think this kinda alien was the laughin' kind, though, so I fixed it OK.

Anyways, ol' junior is a'hangin' down and just not doin' nothin'. I ain't a'skeered, mind ya; just that Kathy ain't done nothin' yet. So I say, "Baby, come ON! We got work t' do." Only I say it all like with a wink, you know, kinda nudge-nudge like. Besides, she ain't never been shy 'bout showin' it all before. Wasn't no sign that said we couldn't make that no nude beach, 'member baby?

So she starts unbutt'nin' her top, and the twins just FALL out; she wasn't wearin' no bra — hell, all we was doin' was watching the TV! Anyway, them aliens just cut loose with a gaspin' kinda sound; I told 'em I did the same first time I saw 'em ... heh heh heh heh. She peeled off them short-shorts next; funny, I was just a'lookin' at them purty pink lips, but all them aliens was lookin' at the HAIR. Well, shit, I done asked her a hunnert times to shave it, but she won't. Now she's got 'em all confused.

Hell, you tell 'em, baby. They was all starin' at you.

 

[Guest]

See, Ray Bob sweetie, much as I luv ya, you jus' never was one fer details. See, wha' confused 'em was the fact that my hair up here was a differnt color than tha hair down here. See, there's only so much a that there dye stuff in them little bottles, an' since Ray Bob sweetie don' care one way 't other about what it looks like, 's long as he's gettin' his, I jus' never have thought ta dye the stuff 'tween ma legs. Anyway, there them little fellas is jus' a starin' at ma pubes, an' I start ta gettin' a little mad. Who was they ta judge, anyway? Little fellas didn't even know which end ta stick in, askin' us ta coach 'em an' all.

So then I says ta Ray Bob sweetie, "Ray Bob sweetie," I say, "lets us jus' give 'em a real quick show an' get back. King of the Hill is on next, and if I had ta miss Maggie talkin' fer tha first time, I sure as hell don't wanna miss that." You can understand that one, can't ya? So's I reach inta my pocket, had ta bend over ta do that an' almost knocked myself over doin' that. Once gave myself two black eyes tryin' ta catch a bus. Got a boyfriend real soon after that and didn't haveta worry about no buses no more. So's I reach into my pocket ta get the certs outta my pocket so's I could get junior all sparked up, if ya knows what I mean. Junior sure is fonda them mints. Makes him all shivery and hard, real quick. When Ray Bob sweetie sees me a bendin' over, he cops a quick feel. You jus' never can resist, can ya, Ray Bob sweetie. Remember at tha' las' company pic-nic? You thought it was me, and gave tha' there snootie shoe department manager a right good goose. He never has forgiven ya for tha' one, by the way. Anyway, so I was a bendin' over, an Ray Bob sweetie was goin' for the three pointer when all the sudden they starts a carryin' on and a screechin in tha' weird language a theirs. See, jus bendin' over had got juniors attention, and Ray Bob sweetie was flyin' his flag at full staff. Ya know wha' I mean?

 

[caspai]

Um, that last post took so long to type that I got bumped in the process. Kathy is still being written by yours truely.

 

[TXExpress]

Ray Bob

Wh', hell, baby, ol' Junior was damn near as big as some of 'em ... and I mean all of 'em; I cain't see their peckers, a'course, but, hell, some o' these aliens ain't no bigger from top t' bottom as ol' John Holmes' love snake, gawd rest its soul.

Well, sir, Junior ain't in Johnny Wadd's league, but ol' Kathy ain't never turned him down, 'cept for a few days ever' month. And when she's all a'bent over like that ... wh', hell, sheriff, you know what I mean. 'Member that night you was on one o' them "stake outs" over in the Klassic Kourts and you musta spent a hour lookin' at Kathy through the winder with them binocs. You never did tell me if'n you caught who you's lookin' fer.

Anyways, there she is, OK, bare-ass to the world and with a spearmint Certs in that purty mouth; well, sir, Junior popped up like one o' them tempachur dealies in a Thanksgivin' Butterball only bigger. So I asks you, you 'member?; I says, "OK, you wanna do some o' that — hell, what do they call it in Cosmo? — four play, or jes git after it!"

Well, sir, before she could answer, ol' Kathy here swirls that Certs around in her mouth and then treats Junior like a lollipop. She's gonna find out how many licks it takes to git to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop if it kills both of us, know what I mean? Not that I am complainin', mind ya; hell, she can do that 'til the cows come home, only we ain't got no cows. But, well you can imagine, the lil' guys are about to lose their shit at this point. Some of 'em start a'jumpin' up and down and a'flailin' their ... hell, I guess they was arms ... and a'carryin' on to where if Kathy hadn't had Junior tucked safe in that purty mouth, he prob'ly woulda gone back in t' hidin'.

"OK," I says. "Now THAT" — tryin' to sound like the last teacher I had, Miss Terwilliger, back in the sixth grade — "is Step Number One. Now, Step Number Two is optional, dependin' on how horny you are, and on whether who you's with already is wet or drunk enough."

You 'member what happened next, don'tcha baby?

 

[Guest]

Well, now, Ray Bob sweetie, you knows I kin take jus' 'bout anythin' you got, usually, but these here li'l guys had me all in a tizzy with that there wavin' and hollerin'. I mean, I knows you likes the tunnel to be a tight fit 'n all, but this woulda been just too much for junior. So's I says ta Ray Bob sweetie, "Ray Bob sweetie" I says "I think I'm gonna need jus' a li'l bit a help here with this one. I know yous all hot an' heavy already, but it ain't gonna do a bit a good if'n you can't do nothin' with it."

So then I lays myself down and open my legs up real wide like and say, "Ray Bob sweetie, ya think ya might give a lady a hand or somethin'?" He likes it when I make him feel like one a them their knight thingies, see? So he goes down on his knees, like, and I can see junior is jus' about ta blow his top, so I kick him in the head, the one on his shoulders, see. Not tha other 'un, cause that would spoil all my fun. Then I tells him, I say, "Ray Bob sweetie, get control a' yourself. You're their coach. Can't be a fumblin' when you're on an away game." So there he is, all a grinnin' an' the like, probly thinkin' ta hisself about tha' time at the Christmas party when we caught the managers wife in the file room with the head cashier. Neither one of 'em wasn't doin no filin', not even their finger nails. Both them skirts up around their hips an' such. Ain't never had a better Christmas show 'n that un.

Anyway, there he is, down 'tween my legs, his finger in his mouth gettin' it all wet like, when suddenly, the lights go out, and there is this huge, and I mean HUGE light directly over us. I says to Ray Bob sweetie, "Ray Bob sweetie", is says, "you don' think theys gonna film us or anythin', do ya?" See, I don' mind watchin' or anythin', doesn't bother me much, but one rule my momma always told me, do what you like, but make sure no one is takin' any pictures. They come back to haunt ya, jus' like the ghost of ol' aunt Ethel on Halloween night.

 

[caspai]

Um, sorry, that was me again. Don't know why that keeps happening to me.

 

[TXExpress]

Ray Bob

No lie, baby. I mean, I ain't got no agent or nothin', but if Kathy and Junior and me are a'gonna be filmed, I at least want a free copy, and I didn't see no VCR in the whole entire spaceship.

Anyways, the spotlight is on us, OK, when I guess it was the leader stepped up and talked into that computer thingie, and the big ol' screen said: ENOUGH WITH THE PLOT. GET TO THE CHASE. And I think, damn, they's seen more movies than I has! But I knows that if'n I try the ol' WWF piledriver now, ol' Kathy won't be able to walk for a week, and she'll be pissed as all git out, ain't that right baby?

So I turn the schoolteacher voice back on and I says, "Listen. If'n you want this done right, you gotta trust us. We have read — read, mind you — many a Cosmo and even a Penthouse and have watched ... well, at least as many movies as you has. We ain't professionals, but we at least deserve some respect. Hell, we already done been on enougha these thangs that we oughta get frequent-flyer miles; dammit, it's our turn."

They's either impressed by my speechifyin' or don't have a clue in hell what I'm a'talkin' about, but anyways, the spotlight goes off and the real lights come back on and I git back to work. Junior might need a recharge, but bein' down here in the Great Undyed usually takes care o' that. I moisten my finger again, then start rubbin' it along them other lips — you know what I mean? — and then it moves up to that lil' man in the boat thingie. Kathy, 'member, you squirmed and giggled a lil' bit, and they thought that was funny or somethin'; they started carryin' on again. So I says, "You ain't seen nothin' yet," and I sticks mah face down in there and starts a'lappin' at it like a hound dog at a water bowl. And Kathy ... girl, you loves that, don't tell me you don't.

Well, sir, she's got her hand behind mah head, pushin' my face in deeper, and I cain't say nothin', on account of what's in my mouth, and she's all moanin' and awwwin' and whatnot. An' I know she wants to cum — you did; don't lie to me, woman — but I figgered that if we was gonna see ANY of King of the Hill, we'd best git after it.

 

[caspai]

Yeah, whatever. You go ahead an' think whatever you want to, Ray Bob sweetie, ya usually do anyway. But he is right, that there clock was tickin', and King of the Hill is one a them shows ya has ta keep up on ta get the jokes, so I finally let go a his head, and took ahold a th other head, ya know what I mean. So Then I pulls him, junior, mind ya, toward my hot an' now plenty wet tunnel of luv for his own li'l carnival ride, ya know. Thing is, that floor is awful cold. You ever tried to do the horizontal mombo on nothin' but cold hard metal? Well, there was that time when the doctor told me he would cut the bill in half if I would let him do a little explorin' on his own. Was kinda curious what kind a traction them there stirrup thingies would give. Had quite a time of it. Come to think of it, he never sent any kinda bill for that visit...

Anyway, so's we is all ready ta get hot an heavy and all I did was ask fer a pillow. OK, so I asked fer three, but Ray Bob sweetie likes havin me up high so's he don't have ta hunker down so much, don't ya, Ray Bob sweetie?

 

[TXExpress]

Ray Bob

I'm tellin' ya, it's mah back; ever since I had to change that flat on the house, it's never been the same.

Anyways, yeah, there she is, OK ... hey, you tol' me that doctor boy "lost" that bill. Dammit, woman, am I gonna have to put a meter on you? ... hell, where was I? Oh, yeah, so they's all watchin' to see what comes next ... heh heh heh, aw, you know what I mean. She's up on them pillers an' her toes is pointin' to the ceilin', so I turns to 'em and I says, "Now," I says, "this is the part what counts." An' ol' Junior is like ol' Dale Earnhardt ... the Senior, gawd rest his soul ... he's revved up an' ready. An' by her look Kathy is all revved up an' ready. So I drop the green flag, know what I mean, an' shove ol' Junior into the pits for a lube job, know what I mean?

Well, sir, when I shove him in, them aliens damn near go crazy. Ever' time I'd pull back and shove back in, another couple of 'em'd faint dead away, right on the spot. Hell, if'n I weren't so damned ready, I coulda passed 'em all out, but, well, number 1, I was so damned ready, an' number 2, who'da drove the spaceship if'n they did all pass out? You gotta think things like that through.

Anyways, ol' Junior fires the ol' cannon an' Kathy goes a'somethin' like, "Uhhhhhhhhh," and that's that. Back home, I'da gone right off ta sleep, 'cept King of the Hill woulda been on. But no. Time for the coachin'. Least that's what they'd said.

 

[caspai]

You was jus a li'l bit over revved, so I's gonna forgive ya tha' one. When tha' happens at home, I jus' waits 'til he's a snorin' an' all, then I's jus' takes out tha' li'l vibrator thingie his momma gave me fer mah weddin' present, an' finishes up tha job fer him, if ya knows wha' I mean. So's anyway, them there li'l guys must be ready fer the coachin' part o' this here show, so's I lift m'self up ta look around, like, an' tha's when I notice all o' them li'l guys a lyin' around with them li'l feet o theirs stickin' up in tha air. At firs' I thinks they is followin mah lead, an' starts ta tell 'em tha they needs a partner afore they's gonna be able ta do nothin', an' tha' even if'n Ray Bob sweetie was ABLE ta do anythin', which at this point he ain't, no offense Ray Bob sweetie, if'n Ray Bob sweetie TRIED ta do anythin' with them li'l guys, he'd probably pop 'em, jus like one o' them there birthday party baloons what got too much gas in 'em. Hell, I can't even tell if any of 'em is li'l gals instead of li'l guys. Could be on their planet, don' make no diffrence. Then I takes a closer look, an' see tha' theys all unconscious, like. I looks at Ray Bob sweetie and I says, "Ray Bob sweetie," I says, "I think tha' there floor show was jus' too much fer 'em there li'l guys. Then I giggles. I cain't help it.

 

[TXExpress]

Ray Bob

Well, I'll admit, I was a'gigglin', too. I mean, you 'member in Animal House, when all them sissy college boys was on the floor, doin' the Gator? Well, sir, that's how them aliens looked; ever' one of 'em on the floor, not jigglin' so much, mind ya, as just lookin' ... hell, I don't know, comatose.

"HEY!" I hollered; Kathy knows that's kinda our secret matin' call, but she knowed ol' Junior weren't goin' up the ol' elevator fer a while yet. I's just tryin' to wake 'em up.

Well, sir, it worked. I guess, lookin' back, is what they was doin' was sorta rechargin', jus' like ol' Junior was. They gets up, all at once now, mind ya, and like on command, half of 'em moves to one side of the room, half to th' other.

And wait'll you hear this part. Sheriff? Sheriff? Dammit, Kathy, pack the twins away; we ain't DONE yet. Sorry 'bout that, Sheriff; she don't know yer dedi-ma-cation to duty like I does.

Anyways, 'member what we thought was arms flailin'? They wasn't! Them ones on the right side o' the room, well, sir, their "arms" get reeeeeeal hard — hell, THEY GOT PECKERS FOR ARMS! TWO OF 'EM! EACH!

And them ones on the left side, we sees they got shorter arms; they mus' be the wimmin-folk. An' as soon as them arms get hard, they run screamin'; they ain't scared, they's jus' lookin' fer pillers, like Kathy showed 'em. They all runs back into th' room, plops down them piller in perfect rows, like they's in the Army, f'r Pete's sake, then drops back on 'em.

I can see now: THEY EACH GOT TWO WIMMIN-FOLK THINGIES, UNDER THEM ARMS! Well, shit, don't take no nuke-e-ler science guy to see the trouble here. It's hard enough to thread a needle, if'n you know what I mean; imagine tryin' to do two at once. 'Member when you's tryin' to plug the box fan in that night the social, an' you couldn't, 'cause one o' them prongs was bent funny. Stay with me, here, Sheriff.

"NO, NO, NO, dammit," I holler. "You ... uh, men-folk over thar. You calls that four play? No wonder you's havin' trouble; tryin' to do anythin' right now'd be like takin' a jackhammer to a sidewalk. Wasn't y'all watchin' nothin'?

"Kathy, baby, lay back down again. Guess I gotta show 'em again. Yes, I KNOW Junior ain't ready; that ain't the part I gotta show 'em."

 

[Guest]

Ta tell ya th' truth, Sheriff, sir, when I hears Ray Bob sweetie say tha', I starts ta thinkin' that maybe I might not be needin' tha' li'l vibrator thingie his momma gave me after all. So's I fix myself up again, lays down like I was afore, an' spreads mah legs all wide agin. Thing is, like Ray Bob sweetie jus' done said, he usually jus' rolls over an' starts a' snorin'. Them li'l guys an' li'l gals seem ta be takin' us directly ta our words an' actions, though, an' I's afeared tha' if'n I ask ta use the li'l girls room, if ya knows wha' I mean, they might jus' think that is one a them steps we's tryin' ta teach them. So, I tell Ray Bob sweetie, "Ray Bob sweetie," I says, "I think this here time, maybe you ought ta jus' use yore fingers, cuz a th' stuff you done lef' there, jus' a minute ago. I mean, I's use ta yore taste, but you might not care fer it so much. Ya know wha' I mean?" I tries ta say it kinda in a whisper like, so's I don' embarrass him too much. I could tell he hadn't thought a' tha' part, see. Sheriff? You followin' me? No, sir, I am not makin' an accusation, I jus' want ta know if you was listenen to me, is all.

 

[caspai]

This is really getting old

That post was mine, sorry again.

 

[TXExpress]

Ray Bob

Damn, baby, jus' tellin' this story's got the twins all jumpy, don't it?

Well, sir, it was one o' them dilemmers. I mean, I have tried a mixed drink 'r two in mah day, know what I mean, but I do prefer mah drinks straight, most times. So, as much as I'd like to go back t' lappin', I agree.

But then — hard as it is t' believe — I starts thinkin'. "Hmmmm," I thinks, "now if they's to try doin' this with a finger, they's gonna be right back in the same leaky boat. See what I mean? With peckers for arms, they's jus' gonna mess everything up again if'n they tries to diddle with what they ain't got.

So I swaller my pride and hope I don' swaller nothin' else, and I says: "ATTENTION," I's gonna say KMart shoppers, but I didn't figger they'd get it, "Now this here is how it's done. Uh ... jes pick a hole and repeat after me."

So I used a finger and wiped away a little of the goo, then did my best Greg Louganis, only I ain't one o' ... well, you know, them ... and dove right in. Outta the corner of my eye, I sees them all do the same. Eureka!, I thinks.

It sounds like marchin' feet, all them aliens a'slurpin' all at once. I kinda lost my rhythm, you know, but ol' Kathy, she's a trooper; she still is all moanin' and wigglin' and grabbin' the twins and perkin' up the Twin Peaks and whatnot. I cain't decide whether to finish her off or git on with coachin'. Aw, who am I kiddin' ... I wanted her to fire that cannon that I cain't see.

Baby ... you 'member what I did next? *chuckle*

 

[caspai]

Kathy

Well, Ray Bob sweetie, I were there, wasn't I? Fer cryin' out loud, course I member what you did next. Them li'l guys was a lickin' an' a kissin' them li'l gals, an' them li'l gals was a playin with their, um, well, I guess they was boobs, don' rightly know, ta tell ya th' truth. Anyway, everythin' was a goin' jus' fine when Ray Bob sweetie here, he stands up, jus' like tha', jus' as things was gettin' interestin' fer me, if'n ya know what I mean, an' he starts coachin' 'em agin. He says to 'em, he says, "Now, when tha' li'l gal o' yers is good 'n wet, ya jus' slide them peckers o' yers in good 'n hard, makin sure ta get in all th' way, mind ya, and jus' start pumpin', let nature take it's course." I can tell by the silence tha' they didn't really grasp wha' he was sayin', so's I say, "Ray Bob sweetie," I say, "I think they need a li'l more demonstratin'. I knows junior isn' up ta it, but wha they don' see isn' gonna hurt us, if'n ya knows wha I mean. Jus' kinda do some buckin' and thrustin' stuff. Maybe they will git th' hint." So Ray Bob sweetie nods at me. I can tell tha' he's a'thinkin' tha' this here coachin' stuff is a lot harder than we thought it was gonna be. Can't say as I hadn't thought tha' m'self, tell ya th' truth Sheriff.

So Ray Bob goes down fer wha' looks like sloppy seconds, only him an' me, an' well, you now, sheriff, knows th' truth o' th matter. So he's a rubbin' sleepy li'l junior all up an' down, an' suddenly junior done waked up. Coulda knocked me over with a feather, if'n I hadn' already bin down, o'course. Tha' ain't happened with junior since tha' time at the rodeo, end a July 2000, you remember, don' ya Ray Bob sweetie? Tha' was jus' after we found out I wasn' preggers after all. We done had tha' roll in the hay, only this time with real hay, an then them two horses done got after each other. Seein' tha' one up behind th' other un really got you to a boilin' point. Playin' horse has been one of yore favorite games ever since, hasn' it Ray Bob sweetie? Anyway, junior done wakes up, an makes his own dive. Surprised me so much I let out a squeek.

 

[TXExpress]

Ray Bob

You said a mouthful, baby, or 'least woulda had a mouthful 'cept the ol' rub-a-dub-dub got that ol' man sittin' right high in the tub.

Now, like Kathy said, ol' Junior had a mind of his own; he just jumped back in the chute like he knowed the way, but I could still somethin' was wrong. It's like they was tryin' to th'ow footballs through the tire swing, y'know, and missin' ever' one. So now what do I do? I mean, I git to play a doubleheader with Kathy baby here, but they's still flailin' and beepin' and squeakin', and I thinks, "Damn, I don't give a hoot in hell about the X-Files, but I ain't missin' King of the Hill," so I stop after one big ol' push an' holler out: "ATTENTION. THIS AIN'T GETTIN' US NO PLACE.

"NOW, REPEAT AFTER ME. OH, BABY ..."

"BRRRZT KRPLCK."

"AH WANT YOU NOW ..."

"RP GRRRT OOOOO MNET."

"OPEN YOUR LOVE TUNNEL ... uh ... TUNNELS ..."

"BRGL OORT PRNGL VRRAZZASNRT."

" 'CAUSE TH' LOVE TRAIN'S A'COMIN'."

"QWERTY YUIOP ASDFG HJKL ZXCVBNM."

"NOW ... BECAUSE'A YOUR ... uh ... SITCHEEATION, TAKE BOTH O' THEM PECKER DEALIES AN' PLUG 'EM IN THEM SOCKETS, LIKE THIS."

I jammed ol' Junior back where it was safe and wet and warm, and I think they finally got the hint, 'cause next thang you knows, they was this load MOAN all over the ship. Then they all looks up.

"DAMMIT, YOU GOTTA PULL IT BACK, THEN PUT IT BACK IN. LIKE THIS."

So I draws back, then shoves 'im in again. Kathy, baby, you was lookin' like one o' them fake-titty babes on the Playboy Channel when the scrambler ain't workin' quite right; all jiggly and moanin' and whatnot. So they does it ... one out, one in. Then they all looks up again.

"OVER AND OVER AND OVER, DAMMIT. LIKE THIS."

And with that, ol' Junior takes over the controls and starts a'poundin' away, and I has to admit, I'm a'likin' it mahself, and I ain't even worried about the damned aliens. The sounds they's makin' is like one o' them Looney Tunes cartoons, what with the music playin' like they's on some kinda assembly line .. ooh, ah, ooh, ah, ooh, ah. Well, damned if they doesn't all look up again.

"LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT Y'ALL PLAN TO DO, BUT I'M ABOUT TO CUM INSIDE THIS FINE THANG AGAIN."

And ol' Junior, on cue, fires that cannon again. Only this time, I think they all gets the picture, 'cause next thing you know, ever' one of 'em looks like a gas pump when you set that ol' nozzle up there and forgets to turn it off. Stuff runnin' ever'where.

I ain't never seen no look like the one on your face, Kathy Pearl Sneed. Tell the Sheriff about it; jus' makes me laugh a'thinkin' 'bout it.

 

[caspai]

Well, ya sees, Sheriff, here I was, jus' 'bout ta reach them Pearly Gates agin, an' they's all a blowin' they's own tops. Tha' would'na bothered me other wise, but I jus' happened ta look up, an' th' stuff comin' outta them li'l guys an' li'l gals was bright purple! Kinda stopped me in mah tracks, if'n ya knows wha' I means. I mean, I guess it should'na surprized me, them bein' aliens an' all, but it just never did enter mah mind tha' their whatcha call it, see men, would be such a strange color. I couldn't stop mahself. I says to Ray Bob sweetie, "Ray Bob sweetie" I says, "Wha' th' hell is that stuff comin' outta them there li'l guys? Tha' can'tbe right!" I guess they musta heard me, cuz everythin' got kinda quiet after that.

 

[TXExpress]

Ray Bob

Well, baby, I done figgered it this way:

See, on accounta them sannich bag commercials, I knows that red an' blue makes purple. So I figgers, I says, the stuff cummin' outta the men folk is blue (on accounta what color they puts on the baby cribs, which we damn near had to buy with your 10% discount back in '99), an' the stuff cummin' outta the wimmin' folk is red, on accounta that's the other color what makes purple.

So anyways, this stuff's a'oozin' out over the ground an' I'm'a thankin' that it's a good thing you got them floatation devices, Kathy baby, or you mighta drowned. 'Cept all of a sudden ... well, you knows how it takes a baby — I mean, one o' ours — nine whole months to come a'poppin' outta the ol' love tunnel, and it don't sound like no fun 'tall? Well, sir, that purple goo starts t'bubblin', and me an ol' Kathy just a looks at each other and starts a'edgin' over to our clothes, 'cause somethin' up, and it ain't Junior no more.

It starts t'bubblin', see, and what happens next but a buncha BABY ALIENS starts a'growin', right there! No labor pains or nothin'! You jes' throws the red into the purple, and bang! Child0-support payments! Heh heh heh heh ... jes kiddin', baby, we's gonna statr tryin' again real soon.

So all of a sudden like, they's aliens EVERwhar! And so's the the leader feller looks up an' looks around and talks into that computer thingie an' says: "THANK YOU. THAT WILL BE ALL. RECLOTHE YOURSELVES. THIS IS YOUR STOP."

An' I'm thankin', Damn, we got home quicker'n normal. Right neighborly of 'em. Only, 'member, they was new. And I don't think they's bein' all that neighborly when, as soon as we'd dressed an' Kathy tucks in the last o' the twins, a hatch opens an' next thing you knows, we'd on the ground.

But whar?

 

[caspai]

Yep, them li'l guys an' li'l gals jus' threw us asid like so much used keenex. Opened th' door an' kicked us out. Fer a minute, I thought we was gonna be fallin' right outta the sky, but low an' b'hold, we was still right there in our very own front yard. Well, really it's th' road jus' outside 'a th' double wide, but we gots tha' nice li'l patch a weeds tha' spring up after one a them cloud bursts. We had quite a few picknics after one a them. Fritos an' chili an' th' whole works. So's I thinks ta m'self, and says to Ray Bob sweetie, "Ray Bob sweetie", I says, "We might jus' getta see King o' th' Hill after all." So's we walks inta th' livin room, an' ya knows wh' we sees? US! There we is, a sittin' on th' couch, with Ray Bob sweetie jus' gettin his hands full a' th' twins an' all. An' th' door swings open, an' there's them li'l fellas agin, jus' gettin' ready ta take us off. We was in one a' them time loop thingies, ya know? Then, all sudden like, a cloud kinda comes up around us, an' next thing ya knows, we's th' ones sittin' on th' couch, an' them li'l guys is takin' them other us's out th' door.