Welcome feedback on my first submission

[repeatguy]

I welcome feedback on my first submission.

Please read the story and let me know what you think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=85505

Thanks

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Repeatguy,

For a first post, this was pretty good. Your grammar and punctuation is above average and there was a consistency to your story line.

However:

1. This is a vignette, not a story. That's not a crime, but it is a difference that a lot of folks feel in important.

2. You have a tendency, common in beginning writers, to use the same word to start sentences. For instance, notice how many times "HE" appears in this excerpt in addition to being the first word in five straight sentences..

"He asked Julie to send him a pair of her panties. He wanted her to wear them all day so he could smell her scent. He was very embarrassed when he shared his fantasy with her. He thought for sure this would end their relationship. He feared that she would think his request was too strange or perverted."

This "echo" can distract some readers (always a no-no) and create a sing-song effect.

3. Now a purely subjective style issue: The way you presented the story kept me at a distance. Since the woman has a name, why not give one to the guy-the narrator? Knowing so little about the narrator, it was hard to build any interest, much less rapport, with him.

One final thought. If you want to receive more feedback, my suggestion would be to give others some feedback. Doing so will improve your writing and your chances of getting some response.

Good luck with your writing.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Guest]

Ditto on what RF said

Your story/vignette definitely had the appeal of a "teaser", and did a good job of creating the anticipation. The one thing that resonated with me in the above reply to your post was the repetition of "He" at the beginning of sentences. In a way, this detracted from the mood of the story. It's difficult for me to pin it down exactly, but the best I can do is to say that I *thought* you were aiming to draw your reader inside the narrator's head, but didn't quite draw me all the way in because the reliance on one, basic sentence structure made it seem more like a play-by-play report (sort of like what old radio broadcasters used to do when announcing baseball games).

Please, don't take offense -- none meant at all. There are elements of your story that are intriguing. For me, it's the crafting of anticipation -- the gradual steps by which your characters start opening up to the possibilities.

Anywho, best of luck with your writing. If you haven't already checked out the links on this site for writers, you might give 'em a whirl. I've read some pretty useful advice there.

Salut,
Ravenwood

 

[dr_mabeuse]

This is not a story of erotic acts; this is a story of a man thinking about erotic acts. We're twice removed from the actual erotic core of the story, and so what comes back is something like a sonar image of sex: blurred, indistinct, fuzzy.

As it became clear to me that we never were going to meet Julie ourselves, I started wondering just what the erotic appeal was in writing the puece. I mean, the man has never met Julie--as far as I can tell they've never even exchanged pictures--so he can hardly fantasize sex with her. So the main sexual action doesn't really involve her. Instead the main erotic action seems to be his masturbating into her panties. Maybe it's just me, but that doesn't do much for me.

The sould of erotica for me in concrete, sensual detail and description: what did it look like, what did it feel like, what did it taste like, etc. There's very little of that in this story, so it came off as very dry and reportorial, like a newspaper account of what was happening to this guy in the plane.

Finally--and maybe this is just me--but that little bit at the end about him hoping to knock her up just made me sick. What a selfish and self-centered asshole this guy is. Knock her up and then let hubby take care of. I hope she stands him up, or gives him AIDS.

---dr.M.

 

[Sweet_Candi]

I just read your story and most of it was very good. Your grammar and sentence structure was intact, and the story idea in general was a good one.

I do agree with the others in that you used "he" much too often....a hazard of writing in the 3rd person.

Also...I didnt like the idea of him wanting to "knock up" a married woman who was unable to have any children with her husband. To be honest...that kinda ruined the story for me....left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

Other than that though, I loved the story.

 

[Guest]

Hey, Echo.

Like Sweet_Candi mentioned, I think the grammar/mechanics of your piece are above average, and to me, that's always a good way to start out. That means that you definitely have the potential to work on other troublesome sections of you work, rather than focus on the mere basic principles of writing.

However, like some of the other feedback mentioned, this story, to me, seems like more of a teaser than anything else. After I got done reading halfway through your story, I scrolled to the bottom to see if there was going to be a part two. Maybe a little dissapointingly, there was not.

I say maybe because while I think your story has potential, and you paint a pretty clear picture of your two main character's history together, that's all I really got to see.

What most readers here would probably -liked- to have seen, was what happened when your main man (Name? by the way) meets with the longly fantasized about Julia. What did they do together? What did they do about Julia's husband? How did they depart?

Personally, I enjoy character history. But as indepth as you went with it, I think both the readers -and- the characters deserved to see what happened next.

Like someone else stated, the only erotic act I saw in your piece was the masturbation, and while I don't know what catagory your story is submitted under, but you might have gotten a better response had you listed it under the fetish section. If you did, well... good job! Heh.

So yeah, I thought it was good. Definitely a good way to start things out-- but I think we'd all like to see more.

Awaiting your next piece of work,
Sati

 

[Mary Riley]

*points upward to the posts and agrees* Ditto.