Weird Questions

[NuclearFairy]

I'm writing a story where a girl drunkenly buys a personal assistant. It's a chair, that's a cross between a recliner and an office chair. Now part of the buying process is her filling out a questionnaire to match her with a compatible inorganic sapience. @PennyThompson has helpfully pointed out, that I should have some weird questions for her to answer, only after months and months, I'm still coming up blank even though that sounds like a lot of fun.

So gimme your craziest, most off the wall ideas.

 

[dirk2024]

"Has there ever been a time when you've supported more weight than recommended by your manufacturer...such as during sex?"

"While we're on the topic of sex...should I engage in a lusty on-the-job tryst...will you keep my secrets?"

"What do you think of my butt? Is this something you'd like to support for 8 hours?"

"I frequently pass gas. How strong is your sense of smell?"

 

[PennyThompson]

So in the movie Blade Runner, the detectives that try to find and destroy rogue replicants use something called the Voight-Kampff Test.

It's a series of kind of weird and mildly disturbing questions and prompts meant to create emotional responses, plus a device that measures the subject's heart rate, breathing, pupil dilation, etc. The idea is that real humans will react to these questions in a human way, and replicants will react in noticeably odd ways.

Some of the prompts we hear in the movie:

• You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection, plus the killing jar.
• You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp crawling on your arm.
• Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind about your mother.
• You're reading a magazine. You come across a full-page nude photo of a girl. You show it to your husband. He likes it so much, he hangs it on your bedroom wall.

So maybe think about it in those terms? Behavior prompts that are mildly uncomfortable, but are subtly providing information about the test subject? And since it's an erotic story, they could be a little sexually charged? Maybe they become more sexual as the questionnaire goes on?

A few ideas off the top of my head...

• You order a meal at a restaurant and out of the corner of your eye you see the cook spit on your plate. How does it make you feel?
• You spill water on your shirt while at work. An important meeting is starting. What do you do?
• You board a crowded subway and are pressed between two strangers. One of them apologizes to you. How do you respond?
• You walk in on a coworker changing in their office. They make no attempt to cover themselves. What do you do?
• Your lover pulls your hair, hard enough to hurt. Do you ask them to stop, or to do it again?
• Describe your last orgasm using only colors.

 

[dirk2024]

So in the movie Blade Runner, the detectives that try to find and destroy rogue replicants use something called the Voight-Kampff Test.



A few ideas off the top of my head...

• You order a meal at a restaurant and out of the corner of your eye you see the cook spit on your plate. How does it make you feel?

No...don't waste it on my plate! My open mouth is over here.

• You spill water on your shirt while at work. An important meeting is starting. What do you do?

Stick it in my mouth and suck the moisture out. I've been told I have skills...

• You board a crowded subway and are pressed between two strangers. One of them apologizes to you. How do you respond?

Oh, no...thank YOU daddy.

• You walk in on a coworker changing in their office. They make no attempt to cover themselves. What do you do?

Pull out my phone and start taking pictures.

• Your lover pulls your hair, hard enough to hurt. Do you ask them to stop, or to do it again?

oh...baby!

• Describe your last orgasm using only colors.

It was like the sunsetting over the ocean...a blue overwash in the beginning then yellowish orange streaks began darting through it. Then the blue was gone, replaced by red and a haze of purple. Then, as I came down from my orgasm, the colors were crushed by a midnight black as I slipped into slumberland.

 

[PennyThompson]

No...don't waste it on my plate! My open mouth is over here.


Stick it in my mouth and suck the moisture out. I've been told I have skills...


Oh, no...thank YOU daddy.


Pull out my phone and start taking pictures.


oh...baby!


It was like the sunsetting over the ocean...a blue overwash in the beginning then yellowish orange streaks began darting through it. Then the blue was gone, replaced by red and a haze of purple. Then, as I came down from my orgasm, the colors were crushed by a midnight black as I slipped into slumberland.

definitely a replicant... a horny one!

 

[liliput1]

a questionnaire to match her with a compatible inorganic sapience

- strawberry or bergamot?
- chocolate chip or pumpkin spice?
- swimming or crochet?
- three or five?
- help your best friend hide a body, or bail her out?
- African or European?

 

[liliput1]

definitely a replicant... a horny one!

I think they call that a Pleasure Model.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Just questions that are incomprehensible:

"Did you ever though?"
"You thought that too, I'm guessing?"
"Fourscore?"
"If you hadn't, would you still?"
"But seriously, you did, right?"

And anytime the person asks for clarification on what any of this means, their answer is: "Answer to the best of your ability."

 

[liliput1]

Just questions that are incomprehensible:

"Did you ever though?"

Yeah

"You thought that too, I'm guessing?"

No but that tracks.

"Fourscore?"

And seven

"If you hadn't, would you still?"

probably not

"But seriously, you did, right?"

Unfortunately

And anytime the person asks for clarification on what any of this means, their answer is: "Answer to the best of your ability."

Okay.

What do I win?

 

[anthrodisiac]

Yeah

No but that tracks.

And seven

probably not

Unfortunately

Okay.

What do I win?

A plastic folding chair.

 

[anthrodisiac]

A plastic folding chair.

So sorry, our mistake. You actually won a stepladder.

 

[liliput1]

So sorry, our mistake. You actually won a stepladder.

Given recent threats on my life I'm going to have to send my least favorite cousin to collect it.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Given recent threats on my life I'm going to have to send my least favorite cousin to collect it.

We would just like to give you a heads-up that this stepladder previously belonged to @TheExperimentalist, and does have a history of sexual indescretion.

 

[TheLobster]

So gimme your craziest, most off the wall ideas.

"Did you ever though?"
"You thought that too, I'm guessing?"
"Fourscore?"
"If you hadn't, would you still?"
"But seriously, you did, right?"

Don’t forget the classic:

“Has anyone ever been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?”

 

[Rob_Royale]

a girl drunkenly buys a personal assistant. It's a chair, that's a cross between a recliner and an office chair.

Umm... what now?

compatible inorganic sapience.

Umm... what now?

 

[NuclearFairy]

Umm... what now?

Umm... what now?

Soft sci-fy story set in an alternate reality. No one comes to her party but they all send her birthday money. She blows all her birthday money to get a friend that'll always be there for her.

Well, it wouldn't be much of a romance if the chair didn't have a brain. o.o

 

[liliput1]

We would just like to give you a heads-up that this stepladder previously belonged to @TheExperimentalist, and does have a history of sexual indescretion.

Correction, sending my loneliest cousin.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Soft sci-fy story set in an alternate reality. No one comes to her party but they all send her birthday money. She blows all her birthday money to get a friend that'll always be there for her.

Well, it wouldn't be much of a romance if the chair didn't have a brain. o.o

Is this a Furniture Cinematic Universe story?

 

[NuclearFairy]

Is this a Furniture Cinematic Universe story?

Well I've been working on it since... last August, so I dunno!

I know I'm slow sometimes. But I finally got my squid story done so I'm hoping to get this one done next!

 

[liliput1]

Is this a Furniture Cinematic Universe story?

Unclear, but I have a plot bunny about an X rated version of the Wizard of Oz though.

If I only had a dong... doot doo doot doo doo doo doo

I had such a strange dream. You were there, and you were there, and you were there!

 

[anthrodisiac]

Well I've been working on it since... last August, so I dunno!

I know I'm slow sometimes. But I finally got my squid story done so I'm hoping to get this one done next!

If it's a sci-fi setting, maybe not. However, sentient furniture sex does fit the broad framework of the FCU if you did wanna put it in there, it doesn't have to have been part of the original discussion or even a PBP plot bunny or FCU thread, but that's totally up to you, no pressure The FCU is open to all comers

 

[liliput1]

If it's a sci-fi setting, maybe not. However, sentient furniture sex does fit the broad framework of the FCU if you did wanna put it in there, it doesn't have to have been part of the original discussion or even a PBP plot bunny or FCU thread, but that's totally up to you, no pressure The FCU is open to all comers

Sapient furniture are sort of like bisexuals of the FCU. They can have sex with other furniture or with humans. But not at the same time unless they're really sneaky about it, since humans can't see the regular furniture move, by the law all furniture hold sacrosanct.

Regular furniture has a sort of love-hate relationship with sapient furniture because of this. They also don't like that the sapient furniture won't explain the weird questions. But they sure look smug when they shrug. Infuriating.

 

[TheExperimentalist]

We would just like to give you a heads-up that this stepladder previously belonged to @TheExperimentalist, and does have a history of sexual indescretion.

Well, that was one of the weirdest tags ever... Which, to be fair... fair.

 

[TheExperimentalist]

Correction, sending my loneliest cousin.

God dammit. Now someone needs to write a T/I story entitled "My Loneliest Cousin".

 

[TheExperimentalist]

Sapient furniture are sort of like bisexuals of the FCU. They can have sex with other furniture or with humans. But not at the same time unless they're really sneaky about it, since humans can't see the regular furniture move, by the law all furniture hold sacrosanct.

Regular furniture has a sort of love-hate relationship with sapient furniture because of this. They also don't like that the sapient furniture won't explain the weird questions. But they sure look smug when they shrug. Infuriating.

Though sometimes, some very strange humans seem to be able to interact with the nonsapient furniture anyway, even though it's not moving. (Fuck it, FCU can have "Fuck Me, Stepladder". Just take it.)