Weird answering machine messages

[Master Control]

a) "Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, that someone is you."

b) "Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

c) "Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my fiends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

d) "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

e) (Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you've reached
555-3456. John is in... (sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in
again...(ooh) No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he...comes."

 

[Guest]

I college, my roommate and I used a message we stole from that movie "The eyes of Laura Mars"...
"Hi, this is Kat and Annabell
We're not here so go to Hell.
If you're not a horny creep
Leave your message when you hear the beep"

 

[Liontamr]

a) "Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, that someone is you."

I need to use that...

 

[Zmey]

 

[loveyamon]

Welcome to ( your name ) mortuary , some go to heaven , some go to hellllllllllllllllo.....

 

[SpaceToast]

I once downloaded some Hal 9000 sound bites, and made a little conversation, like this:

Me: Hal? Take a message, Hal.
Hal: "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave."
Me: Hal, take a message!"
Hal: "I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can no longer serve any purpose."
Me: Hal-!
*beeeeep!*

That was before I adopted the Fox Mulder 1.8 second method: "Hey, it's Matt; leave a message."

Cheers-

-M@

 

[Nefarious]

I once got two girls to record my outgoing message during a real foursome. The girls were bent over, on either side of a table with the answering machine between them, as my buddy and I did our best to break their concentration. The sounds of heavy breathing, wet slippery flesh, and creaky table made for a classic! I wish I'd never changed that message.