ways to show love...help please

[amelia]

i am having a problem with my mom. she doesn't feel i show her enough love. what are some ways you show love to the people in your family/life?



she's wants more of my time, but that's not really something i can or want to give her right now.

what makes you feel loved/valued?


thanks y'all!

 

[p_p_man]

An arm around the shoulder...

and a gentle hug into the body shows affection as does lots of touchy feely.

A squeeze of a hand or an arm...

 

[Marxist]

You just have to give instead of taking. Give her some of your precious time if she'll appreciate it.

I think I'm gonna go write for Hallmark.

 

[Lovepotion69]

Hi Amelia,
I have the same problem with my mom. Hm, and my dad at times...

Mom wants us to be close, and I feel that we are, but at times she just seems to demand so much from me. We hug, we talk and all that. I do my best to show that I care about small stuff, but she complains at times that I don't talk much enough with her. Eh, hello?! I call every week! And she says she wants me to talk about personal stuff that goes on in my life, so she feels that I can open up to her. The thing is, I don't want to talk about men I fancy or boyfriends, that's my business, which she of course takes as an insult, and interprets as I don't want to be close to her! Moms (love them to death, but they can also get on your nerves immensely)!

I think that the only thing you can do is perhaps ask her what she wants. Then you get an idea at least. Ask her how her life is, her health, chat about things going on in your life, share a problem or just ask for an opinion so she feels part of your life. Hug her, visit if possible, surprise call her. Help her out with small stuff. It's the small things that do it according to my mom.

Good luck!
/LP

 

[PepperminTrish]

Without knowing you or your Mom and what your relstionship is like, it sounds to me like the only thing that she truly wants is your time. I suspect anything else will fall short for her.

What makes me feel loved/valued by my family? Since I don't get to see them except once or twice a year, just spending time with them does it for me. We don't have to do anything but hang out and be together.

Trish

 

[jass1960]

i am having a problem with my mom. she doesn't feel i show her enough love. what are some ways you show love to the people in your family/life?

You could go down on her

 

[amelia]

You just have to give instead of taking. Give her some of your precious time if she'll appreciate it.

i give her as much time as i can. it's kind of a long story, but the person i'm calling my mom in this instance is just the lady who gave birth to me. my step mother raised me. but i do care about my 'mom' and i don't want her to feel bad, if i can help it

 

[Kitte]

Amelia, I can somewhat relate...My mother was not a large part of raising me. I foudn it VERY difficult to bond with her in my adult years. Time moves on so quickly when we are young. But...do what you can now. It is not endless. I lost my mother two years ago come Christmas. Though we never quite had that mother child bond I always wanted, I look back now and know there could have been more.

 

[CarolineOh]

i am having a problem with my mom. she doesn't feel i show her enough love. what are some ways you show love to the people in your family/life?



she's wants more of my time, but that's not really something i can or want to give her right now.

what makes you feel loved/valued?


thanks y'all!

Grand gestures are nice, but it is the little things that really matter.
I assume you live close enough to spend time with her, but you just don't feel you have the time to spare. OK, so plan it so it doesn't take a lot of your time. Drop in to say hello, on your way to or from work, when time is un derstandably busy. Or go over on your lunch hour and bring her lunch.
Or, and I admit that this is kind of sneaky, but I've done it, pick up a little present, and go by her house when you know she's not home, and leave it in the door with a note saying you stopped by, sorry you missed her.

 

[YogiBare]

i give her as much time as i can. it's kind of a long story, but the person i'm calling my mom in this instance is just the lady who gave birth to me. my step mother raised me. but i do care about my 'mom' and i don't want her to feel bad, if i can help it

Amelia, I'm guessing that she may be feeling bad (for both you and herself) that she has not played a fuller role in your life. She may be feeling some guilt, sadness, desire to make amends, or other feelings that could be motivating her feeling of not having enough of you today. Have you talked with her about any of this, resolved the feelings that both of you must have about your past relationship? This might relieve some of the pressure that you both are feeling right now. Good luck!

 

[Marxist]

i give her as much time as i can. it's kind of a long story, but the person i'm calling my mom in this instance is just the lady who gave birth to me. my step mother raised me. but i do care about my 'mom' and i don't want her to feel bad, if i can help it

Make new memories. You can't do a damn thing about the past.

I'd suggest making that time with your biological mom special by marking it with an event. Take her to a ball game or miniature golf or the movies or whatever. Make it an activity that you'll both remember later and won't be stifled with awkward conversation about her inadequacies as a Mom or how you could be a better Daughter. It sounds like she needs a friend.

 

[Cheyenne]

Parents love to see their kids more than anything else, unless you count seeing grandkids. Those they probably love seeing even more.

I do Sunday dinner with my parents every week. They count on it. It is only a few hours out of my week, AND I get to eat my mom's cooking.

 

[juicylips]

You may not feel you have the time, but you do.

Time for a phone call, an email or sending a card through snail mail.


It is the little unexpected things that are sometimes the most special.

Best of luck, a
JL

 

[looking4fun]

Amelia,

I know what you are going through. My father is the same way & also was not a part of my life growing up. So now that he is older & wiser he has guilt about not being there.

He is always trying to get me to come visit (lives 260 miles away)but I just don't have the time for that. Being a father of four my weekends are booked. So right now all I can offer him is phone calls.

I know my response make not offer much help with your problem. But atleast you know your not alone...

 

[Guest]

Amelia,
I think it's great that you want to make an effort with your Mom. I've found that it's the small things that mean the most. A mother/daughter dinner every other week- or whenever your schedule allows. A 5 minute phone call to tell her you're thinking of her. A picked flower just for her.
Good luck, sweets!

 

[riff]

I spend time with them.
I hug them and kiss them and tell them I love them.
I do things for them that I am not obligated to do. I just do things for them because I love them.

Obligatory holidays: I hate them. I detest the obligatoriness of Christmas, Valentines Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Birthdays (just the way I am). So what I do is once or twice a year I surprise them. I write them a note or send them a card or buy them a little present and I tell them I love them.

If they can't figure out that I love them and appreciate them after all of the above, well... maybe they think they are unlovable.

But they don't. My parents know I love them.

Don't put up with any shit from your parents, Amelia. And don't let them make you feel guilty (mine do that all the time).

Just show them you love them (if you love them).

All of the above is what pretty much makes me feel loved and valued, BTW.

 

[alexandraaah]

A hand-written card. I don't know anyone who doesn't appreciate that.

If you find yourself bending over backwards with no results, it's possible that no matter what you do, your mother will not feel satisfied.

Sometimes, letting go of the notion that you are responsible for her void or can fill it, could be sort of liberating for you and hopefully, subsequently, her.

 

[VeryBadGirl]

everyone feels loved by different actions.

My mom just wants my sibs and I to go out of our way. If money is short, she wants us to spend some. If time is short, that's what she wants. She just wants us to go out of our way to do something for her. I personally think she's ridiculous, but oh well.

I myself already feel very loved by my loved ones, but a nice little surprise just makes my day - a cookie, or a flower - my husband got me a watering nozzle bar hose thing last week - I was in heaven (and so was HE later!).

Maybe you can tell your bio-mom that your free time is in short supply, and that you can give her X-amount per week (or month or whatever) and then stick with that. Once she's on your schedule, she may become accustomed to it and appreciate that she's on it.

 

[Gamelover221]

Parents really just want to know you are thinking about them. You don't have to have deep meaningful discussions with them, they just want to know that you've been thinking about them.

Phone calls are a nice quick way to accomplish this. You can leave a message if they aren't home, that's really good too, everyone loves mail (or voice mail in this case).

 

[amelia]

thanks everyone

my mom has sent me some pretty crappy emails the last few days and i've been feeling pretty horrible about myself as a daughter. i called her today and went over after work. we talked about things i could do that would make her feel better and i've encouraged her to take a fun class or two. i even told her if she wanted to sign up for a cooking class or cake decorating class i'd go with her. so, now i guess i'm committed. when i left she seemed happy, i guess we will see over the next few days if that was what she needed.

*edited b/c i made no sense

 

[Georgia Girl]

On your birthday, send her flowers.

Pick up a fern and leave it hanging on her porch with a note.

Call and tell her good morning.

There are a multitude of things both large and small, some cost nothing some cost more. But of all the things you can offer to anyone your time is the most valuable, time cannot be reclaimed no matter how you try.

The mom in me has been introspective lately. The quote in my sig line is one example. It is possible that as the years have slid by she has come to regret not being there when you were growing up. Could be an example of too little too late though.

Best wishes

Dawn