wat do you think?

[sexyspiders]

this is my first "published" story. im open to constructive criticism , so please let me know what you think. the story is

Title: I'll Show You Who's Boss
Category: Group Sex (also in new stories)
Author: sexyspiders


let me know if i should bother writing more or give up now!!

Thanks chickalicks,
SexySpiders xxx

 

[Jenny _S]

this is my first "published" story. im open to constructive criticism , so please let me know what you think. the story is

Title: I'll Show You Who's Boss
Category: Group Sex (also in new stories)
Author: sexyspiders


let me know if i should bother writting more or give up now!!

Thanks chickalicks,
SexySpiders xxx

You forgot the link to the story, sexyspiders. This will get you more feed back --> I'll Show You Who's Boss

 

[sexyspiders]

thanks jenny, though it hasnt helped as yet!!

the rating is at 4.7, so that's gotta b a good sign, right???

 

[Jenny _S]

Good Sign?

thanks jenny, though it hasnt helped as yet!!

the rating is at 4.7, so that's gotta b a good sign, right???

That depends, sexyspiders. But we are talking about two different things here. In the voting you are talking about how many people read the story and did they like or dislike it and bothered to vote.

In feedback you are asking the other writers to give you POSITIVE criticism of your work as to construction, structure and so on. It's less important that the critic likes the story than how you performed as the writer. The tips and criticism you will get in this forum will help you become a better writer. The numerical feedback you get from the voting will tell you if you are writing the kind of story that will be read and voted on by the Lit readers.

Incidently, I've started a careful reading of your story. I will have something for you in a couple days. Honest criticism takes that long.

 

[Jenny _S]

I'll Show You Who's Boss

I read your story and made a few notes. The story was good. It does, however, throw a few curves to the reader that make him stumble.

In the second paragraph you worte

*************************************
It started out pretty normally. I went to work (in a local gift shop, where I've been for awhile).
*************************************

The term "It started out..." gave me a shiver. The second sentence uses the paran's unnecessarily. You say "...where I've been for awhile..." Does that mean you live there, you work there?

I would suggest this would read better as:

"It started out as a pretty normal day. I went to work in the local gift shop where I've worked for a while."

Down a couple sentences you wrote

***************************************
I decided that, since I was just standing around, I would text and old friend from school.
***************************************
How did you "text" him? Wrote him a letter. Sent him and email. This is unclear. Not only that, but in the eighth paragraph you are upstairs masturbating on the floor and you wrote

***************************************
Breathing heavily and shaking, I was still texting Paul, telling him exactly what I was doing.
***************************************

I assume Paul wasn't there in the room with you so you must be communicating by Messenger or something. Isn't the computer still down stairs? The way you are using the word "text" is in your local colloquial. You need to think about writing to readers everywhere.

These are not fatal, just stumbles.

Looking at the title, I would not have read this story. I rarely read BDSM or Bondage stories. That's what I would have taken this story to be.

All in all the story is great. You have lots of sex. The story is well written. It flows from one part to the next naturally. I can see why you are getting good votes on this.

You did good, sexyspiders. Keep up this level of work and you will be very good, indeed.

 

[sexyspiders]

thanks jenny,
the first suggestion you made was pretty much what i had originally, but was changed by an editor.

Sorry about the "text", i gues it is a local thing: "text" to me automatically means mobile sms, but i will amend that asap.

as for the title, i was deliberating for many hours with a couple of other people, and thats the "best" we could come up with, however it is in the group sex category, not BDSM.

by the way......how do you edit your story after it's been submitted????

thanks for your feedback, its greatly appreciated,
sexyspiders xxx

 

[Jenny _S]

thanks jenny,
the first suggestion you made was pretty much what i had originally, but was changed by an editor.

Sorry about the "text", i gues it is a local thing: "text" to me automatically means mobile sms, but i will amend that asap.

as for the title, i was deliberating for many hours with a couple of other people, and thats the "best" we could come up with, however it is in the group sex category, not BDSM.

by the way......how do you edit your story after it's been submitted????

thanks for your feedback, its greatly appreciated,
sexyspiders xxx

You have to make the corrections and resubmit it just as if it were a new story to Laural with a note telling her this is an updated version and exactly which story you are replacing. She will take care of the rest. Anything else I can do for you, let me know.

 

[TabooTeller]

this is my first "published" story. im open to constructive criticism , so please let me know what you think. the story is

Title: I'll Show You Who's Boss
Category: Group Sex (also in new stories)
Author: sexyspiders


let me know if i should bother writing more or give up now!!

Thanks chickalicks,
SexySpiders xxx

Very well done. Good set up and good erotic sex. The wife thing could have been done a little better however. It was a little too fast but yet it didn't spoil the story. Worth reading for those who haven't .


TabooTeller