Was she wrong?

[SweetDommes]

In one of the chat rooms that I frequent, something happened last night, and ... I guess I just want to see if anyone else feels the same way that I do ...

There is a guy in there who proclaims to be dominant ... My opinion of this guy (and others agree, I found out last night) is that he is a pompous, self-agrandising fake, but ... it's not like I've never been wrong before, so I just try to not bring his trouble-making ways in my direction. He had a sub (part-time rt when they have time and online when their schedules don't mesh), whom he claimed to care for, and he had talked with her in vague terms about finding her a sister sub, but hadn't mentioned anyone specific that he had been talking to. Their agreement was that she would at least get to talk to a potential sis before a decision was made (I know this was their agreement because it was discussed in the chat room about a week ago).

Last night, he comes in with a new screen name, and a sub who has changed her screen name to proclaim that she belongs to him. This is not the sub that he had before. I didn't think much of it, because I remembered that he had said he was looking for another ... but when his first sub came in, he announced to her that she had a sis and introduced her. I felt it was intirely inappropriate for him to annouce it in the room rather than in private, not to mention insensitive and in total contradiction to the agreement that had been set out earlier.

The first sub called him on it, and ended up telling him that he could shove his collar where the sun doesn't shine if he thinks so little of contracts and agreements and people's feelings even without contracts and agreements. She was incredibly hurt by his actions, as she has been defending him to others in the chat room who feel about him as I do and then he treated her as if she were less than nothing to him. There are some in the room who feel that she was out of line, because she is a submissive and he is a dominant ... but if the rules were set out that she was to have at least some say in the choice of a new sub for her master ... I think she was correct to break ties with him (perhaps she could have been a bit more tactful ... but she was pissed, and who hasn't lost tact while upset?).

I'm just wondering what others think ...

Miss Karen

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

IMO, she was not over the line at all. True, she could have ended it in private instead of losing it in the room but he showed no respect for her, submissive or no. If there was an agreement (verbal or otherwise) then she was well within her rights to call him on it. She is (was) a submissive NOT a slave. She does have the right as such to call a halt since he breached their agreement.

The only thing I find fault with is the fact that she did it in a public way..but with hurt feelings and the like it is indeed probable that she just lost control.

(soon to be)
Luna

 

[SweetDommes]

IMO, she was not over the line at all. True, she could have ended it in private instead of losing it in the room but he showed no respect for her, submissive or no. If there was an agreement (verbal or otherwise) then she was well within her rights to call him on it. She is (was) a submissive NOT a slave. She does have the right as such to call a halt since he breached their agreement.

The only thing I find fault with is the fact that she did it in a public way..but with hurt feelings and the like it is indeed probable that she just lost control.

(soon to be)
Luna

Well, I believe it was a face saving kind of thing - she felt that he had publicly disgraced her by disrespecting her in the room, however, I do agree it could have been better handled (and so does she, btw - I talked with her at length about it later, as we are friends).

And she was a sub, not a slave (there are Master/slaves who frequent the room, but she isn't into that level).

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Yeah..that was my point (concerning the sub/slave dynamic). Since she was a submissive she had every right. I am glad she also agrees that it could have been handled better. The fact is, though, that she did the right thing.

I hope she is doing well...

 

[SweetDommes]

Yeah..that was my point (concerning the sub/slave dynamic).

Yeah, I know ... was just confirming that yes, she was a sub.

And she is doing ok. She just won't be frequenting the chat room again for awhile.

 

[MissTaken]

Subs are people too

and Dominants are fallible.


This, a PSA, from me, who is often MissTaken.




No, she wasn't over the line. If he didn't want their relationship to be divulged to a group of people, HE should not have brought it there.

 

[Desdemona]

He was way out of line in the way he treated her. I agree with others that it would have been better if she had ended things privately, but since he put it all out in public, she was just as well off to end it then and there and move on. No one deserves that sort of treatment. He showed an obvious lack of respect for her, her feelings, their agreements and contracts, etc.

IMO, we are people first, the D/s stuff comes after that.

 

[redelicious]

I think she did the other subs a favor by exposing him in public, even if it wasn't a popular thing to do.

Gutsy.

 

[Caitlynne]

I think she did the other subs a favor by exposing him in public, even if it wasn't a popular thing to do.

Gutsy.

I agree, it really was a favor to the other subs. Everyone there might as well see and hear (read) the truth of what happened. He opened the public door by announcing it publicly, he is responsible for the fallout.

It would have been nice had it all been done privately--nice for her, for him and especially nice for the chat room. But since he was the one who made the decision to conduct his business in that manner, the consequences are all his to own--even his former submissive's outburst.

Only a fool would think that there wouldn't be some emotional outburst from a sub who was surprised that way. I mean come on, you lay something like that out there, and you gotta know there is going to be some responses. AND if he didn't, then he is more than a dishonorable Dominant, he is a stupid one.

~ Cait

 

[SweetDommes]

I'm very glad that everyone feels that way ... she was feeling a bit crummy about it, especially after the 2 or 3 Goreans jumped her about it - but she's not Gorean and they shouldn't try to force their ways onto her ... (or anyone else for that matter *mutters under her breath about concieted assholes*)

 

[MastrJ]

Just because she's a submissive doesn't mean she can't stand up for herself.

I don't feel she did anything wrong considering what he had done.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Another vote for her doing the right thing. As to the privacy of ending her relationship with him out of the chat room....is a lovely Hollywood type scripted image of class and self control, but not very realistic. He was the one who sprung it on her in view of everyone and likely knowing she would not like it, perhaps hoping she would not have the guts to dispute it in front of everyone thus manipulating his own choices without and repercussions.

I think it was great she had the gumption to end it, and the strength to do it there and then instead of running off and waiting until he was ready to talk to her elsewhere. At least other subs, including the new one, know who they are dealing with in respect to his ethics. Dominants can make mistakes, but in this I think it is more a demonstration of underlying character than an innocent mistake and misjudgement. I hate to think he has succeeded in excluding her from the chat room even though it is her choice...she has nothing to feel guilty or embarrassed for and likely would benefit from the support of others she has come to know.

Catalina

 

[SweetDommes]

Well, as I have already posted my opinion on this guy ... you all know how I feel about him. He is manipulative to everyone - submissive, dominant, switch, and 'just passing through' ... I was quite proud that she called him out.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

They had an agrement that she would have a say in who her sister sub would be. She is not wrong in what she did or in my opinion how and where she did it. He broke the dome/sub trust by violating a verbal/written agrement with her. She had every right to tell him where to put his "collar".



As a dom i know that both respect and trust in is a two way street for both the dom and sub. Both must have it for each other for the relationship to work.

 

[Etoile]

I'm very glad that everyone feels that way ... she was feeling a bit crummy about it, especially after the 2 or 3 Goreans jumped her about it - but she's not Gorean and they shouldn't try to force their ways onto her ... (or anyone else for that matter *mutters under her breath about concieted assholes*)

I didn't realize Goreans were the throat-jumping-down types. I find that pretty inappropriate, too. Sounds like there was a lot of bad sentiment going all around.

My opinion is that if they had a RT relationship at all, he owed it to her to talk about it IRL first. But then my understanding of online-only relationships is pretty limited.

 

[SweetDommes]

I didn't realize Goreans were the throat-jumping-down types. I find that pretty inappropriate, too. Sounds like there was a lot of bad sentiment going all around.

Not all are like that ... but we have run into more than our share of ones who are ...

 

[Betticus]

They had an agrement that she would have a say in who her sister sub would be. She is not wrong in what she did or in my opinion how and where she did it. He broke the dome/sub trust by violating a verbal/written agrement with her. She had every right to tell him where to put his "collar".



As a dom i know that both respect and trust in is a two way street for both the dom and sub. Both must have it for each other for the relationship to work.

I agree completely. I'll just tack on this though: She may have just taught him a valuable lesson on her way out.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

He was the one who sprung it on her in view of everyone and likely knowing she would not like it, perhaps hoping she would not have the guts to dispute it in front of everyone thus manipulating his own choices without and repercussions.

Dominants can make mistakes, but in this I think it is more a demonstration of underlying character than an innocent mistake and misjudgement. I hate to think he has succeeded in excluding her from the chat room even though it is her choice...she has nothing to feel guilty or embarrassed for and likely would benefit from the support of others she has come to know.

Catalina

Great post! and I think these 3 points are especially important. Would only add that her doing it then and there was probably best for Her, too, in that it may have made it less likely that she would get manipulated back into changing her mind, having made such a public stand.
Sounds like the first part of what he pulled was a pretty old trick -- talking in vague terms about maybe giving her a sis, when, based on the timing, it sounds like he already had somebody else.

Hope someone is defending this chick on that board and is letting her know she's welcome. Or if not, invite her here.

 

[SweetDommes]

Hope someone is defending this chick on that board and is letting her know she's welcome. Or if not, invite her here.

There is a group of us who are ... unfortunately, I'm the only dominant who is - publicly, at least. Most of the others haven't voiced their support for the guy, but none but me have voiced support for her. I won't stay in the chat room when the ass who did this is in there, and I have made it clear why - I know that others still like him and I won't cause a scene ... simply for their sakes - but I cannot tollerate behavior like that. The submissives who are supporting her have started their own chat room (which I go to when the ass is in the first room). I have told some of the others in the room (sub and dominant) about this forum, and I think I've told her about it too, but in the past. I haven't managed to catch her online the last few days, or I would definately tell her again.

 

[catalina_francisco]

There is a group of us who are ... unfortunately, I'm the only dominant who is - publicly, at least. Most of the others haven't voiced their support for the guy, but none but me have voiced support for her. I won't stay in the chat room when the ass who did this is in there, and I have made it clear why - I know that others still like him and I won't cause a scene ... simply for their sakes - but I cannot tollerate behavior like that. The submissives who are supporting her have started their own chat room (which I go to when the ass is in the first room). I have told some of the others in the room (sub and dominant) about this forum, and I think I've told her about it too, but in the past. I haven't managed to catch her online the last few days, or I would definately tell her again.

Your courage and conviction in openly voicing your own view is to be commended. I find so few people these days who wish to voice their thoughts and/or support of others out loud, especially if they think they might be the only one or one of few to do so, for fear of repercussions, or just being judged themselves and maybe not liked. Sad when the approval of others outweighs and compromises their own values. Perhaps I am cynical in my views on human nature, but I think it is important to be able to stand up for what you believe and value despite what others might do or think.

Catalina

 

[lorddragonwolf]

what or who is/are goreans?

 

[cellis]

what or who is/are goreans?

There are other sites but this might just give you an idea...


Gorean Voice

 

[kitty4ever]

Your courage and conviction in openly voicing your own view is to be commended. I find so few people these days who wish to voice their thoughts and/or support of others out loud, especially if they think they might be the only one or one of few to do so, for fear of repercussions, or just being judged themselves and maybe not liked. Sad when the approval of others outweighs and compromises their own values. Perhaps I am cynical in my views on human nature, but I think it is important to be able to stand up for what you believe and value despite what others might do or think.

Catalina

Very well put, Catalina. I know, after I found out about my ex cheating that I had to leave the board he and I frequented, and I moved to another one, but at least I still had Lit since he was almost never here.

Some of my very close friends did create a flame thread bashing both of them for the hurt they caused, not just me, but her ex-bf. I was told of it later.

But, there are others that I barely speak to, and those that refused to get involved to let their opinions be publically known in the issue. It hurt me that they wouldn't shun him, but I'm a big enough girl to know many people won't get involved or look to pass judgement on those that cheat, especially so obviously.

I do agree that privately may have been more 'correct', but a public display, when he made it so public to begin with, wasn't inappropriate in this case. She has every right to call him on breaking their agreement and then breaking off their relationship.

 

[Vixandra]

Being a submissive does not mean being a doormat. She did the right thing in calling him out. No relationship can work like that- one abusing the other in such a manner.
Fates tend to balance thing in the end though so I'm sure he'll get his due.

 

[shelleb4]

yep, im with her. would of been nice if they could of sorted it out privately though.

But had a partner of mine done the open forum dump scene, i would of lost it too, like im sure she did when she told him where to shove the collar. Hope it was the spiked type, without lube and dipped in sand first!