Warrior Woman trapped in a Harem (STORY)

[Excalibur541]

I posted two new chapters to a story I'm writing called "The Order of the Goddess." It's about an amazon warrior woman who goes undercover as a pleasure slave in an exotic harem to rescue a princess.

Any feedback would be appreciated; votes appreciated as well.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=303816&page=submissions

 

[Nasha]

Hi there, Excalibur541.

I had a look at the first chapter of "The Order of the Goddess."

Your premise is intriguing, but your opening--the most critical part of the story, since losing readers here means they'll never see the rest of the story--is weak.

I'll try to give you some concrete suggestions, based on the first three paragraphs.

The luscious, female warrior lived in a modest stone house which was built in a forest clearing within walking distance from the village. Her name was Elexsa. She was well known to the local villagers as the King's most skillful and ruthless female mercenary. She led a very private life with her six-year-old daughter whom she was raising alone; her husband having died in the Atroskian wars several years before.

She stood naked just outside her stone house in a flimsy, small, wooden enclosure while showering. She had an elaborate system in which water was pumped from a well, heated lightly through a furnace at the side of her house and then pumped through a pipe over her roof to which it would then cascade on top of her as she washed herself off. At times while she showered she would smell the scent of intruders; usually just the local adolescent boys from the village trying to spy on her from the woods. She was truly something to behold.

She was 5' 9" in height, her skin, slightly tanned. She was well muscled while excitingly curvaceous and round. Her thighs were thick and healthy as many years of training and hunting had sculpted them to perfection. Her backside was wide and very firmly curved from her legs. The soft but toned belly of her midsection led up to her heavy, perfectly shaped breasts and pink colored nipples. Her face was the kind that tormented men upon sight with her innocent yet truly exotic look. Her beauty was almost spoken of more than her legendary skill as a warrior. She possessed mysterious eyes that were green in color, full lips and perfect teeth. Her fiery red hair elegantly fell to the small of her muscular back.

It's trite, but true: show, don't tell. Instead of reciting a list of details about this character's appearance and life, show her in action, and let the details come out as they are relevant to the story. You have to make me interested in the person, and what's happening to her, before I can care where she lives or how tall she is or how she rigged up a shower in her primitive abode.

The shower scene could be a perfect starting point (though I'd forego the explanation of how her plumbing functions). For example, if you have her naked and vulnerable in her flimsy enclosure, and she becomes aware there are several young men outside, there's instant tension. If she calmly goes on washing herself, unafraid, you show us she's not some frightened maiden, and we become curious. You can then use a terse bit of internal dialogue, her dismissing them as no more dangerous to a warrior like her than a fly to a goat, or whatever—anything that will establish her voice by referencing things that are part of her world, and the way she sees herself in it. She can then step into her house and pick up her daughter, so we meet her in the flesh, instead of like a dependent listed on a tax return.

I'd suggest you do the same with her physical description. Don't give us a head-to-toe description in one go. Reveal her attributes, here and there, as the story goes along, at relevant moments.

I hope that's somewhat helpful.

-Nasha

 

[Excalibur541]

Thanks Nasha, I think your advice is good and I admit those paragraphs are a bit dry. Maybe I'll do a rewrite. I don't think it's effected the overall story though as far as readers because the second chapter has almost as many hits as the first.

I just thought it was important to get the visuals out of the way as far as the female protagonist and give some history about her right upfront. I probably could've done it in a more compelling way though.