Wanting feedback

[Gerilynn69]

I am a slow writer and would love to get more feedback on my recent story. I am interested in any good bad or ideas. Please be constructive. I am working on a new story and want to improve.
Thanks
Oh here is the link

http://www.literotica.com/s/alleys

Thanks again
Gerilynn

 

[Experiencedguy]

Your thread - critism

Well done. If you want me to be very critical, a few poor grammer choices, but on this site, who cares. Spelling was good, story length was great, sex was good, as was the intro and end.

In real life, I have a lot of experience over many years, with the gamet running from CD to real TS (even a few very long term). So, of course, I believe it. The whole thing sounds realistic and reasonable to me. I look forward to reading your other stories in the near future. Your ratings show that you are a good writer.

 

[vqfarrold]

The opening paragraph really drew me into the story, and you developed the 'alley' theme well from that point on.

I liked the gentle, loving relationships of the characters throughout the story.

The sex scene toward the end is really well done - having the 'conventional' couple observing it and getting turned on by it was a nice touch and really added to the eroticism.

You capture the main character's delight in her femininity really well. I have a young friend who began to live as a woman about a year ago - it was very moving to see her emerge like a butterfly from a chrysalis - it could have been her you were describing in these (non-sexual) sections of the story.

The only suggestion for improvement I would make is that the last two paragraphs are a bit bland. It would be nice to see them replaced by a pithier ending, sort of wrapping up the alley theme.

All the best.

 

[Gerilynn69]

Thank you

Thank you both for your great feedback. I appreciate the constructive pointers. I am always working on my grammar and I hope to improve it. I think it is important.

Thank you again.
Gerilynn

 

[evesummerall]

I really liked this story in general. It was hot and very interesting, what with the whole "alley" theme and all. It works out very nicely throughout to make it more than just another story. : )

As for criticism, only two things really stood out to me, and one's already been mentioned. The ending was a little bit boring. My other point is that your prose is also a bit boring - there were some really good lines ("Eve went from girlfriend, to best friend and then to girl friend. If this story was a movie you would see the montage about now.") but a lot of it was very... utilitarian. Maybe try using more wordplay and figurative language? I know a lot of it is style, but I think your writing would benefit from a little bit of sprucing up to match your exciting story : )

Overall, you did a great job! I'd love to see more work from you.

 

[Gerilynn69]

Better language Prose

Thanks for that it is something I have been working on. I often fall into stiff and stuffy language and I like your specific points they are very helpful.

 

[Gerilynn69]

More Please

Thank you again to those who have given me feedback. I would love to hear read more. Thanks