Wanting Feedback Good Or Bad

[Kymberley]

Hello To those of you who read and/or write the great stories I do so enjoy on Literotica. I have had two stories posted here on Literotica and would love some feedback on them. I am quite curious if anyone other than my friends enjoy reading the things I write about, as much as I enjoy writing them. Please let me know.

Thanks,

Kymberley

 

[Whispersecret]

Titles, please.

 

[Kymberley]

Hello Whispersercret,

I would love to use the excuse "it's a blonde thingy", but I just didn't think about the titles when I posted that. But the truth is that I was just so excited seeing the second one online that I just did not think of anything else. Here are the titles to both of them.

Sharon's First Lesson the link is: http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/stories/sfl_s_759_c0.shtml

Bourbon and Ice the link is: http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/stories/bai_e_759_e0.shtml

Thanks,
Kymberley

 

[Vixen]

Kymberley - Burbon & Ice is an absolute knock-out!!! It gave me a couple very good ideas, for which himself will also be grateful.

I'd write more, but I have to go read about Sharon .....

 

[Whispersecret]

Kymberly,

You asked for comments, good or bad. That’s like waving a red flag in front of my face! <grins> I enjoy trying to help people improve their writing through constructive criticism, so here it comes. Please be aware that none of what I say is directed toward YOU, the person, but toward your writing.

I read both your stories. Much of what I have to say is my opinion. Some of it is going to be fact. I’ll start with the facts and move on to my opinions afterward.

When reading both stories, the first thing I noticed is that you need an editor! Hey, girlfriend, I know from experience that often it’s hard to edit your own work because you get distracted by the story, or word choices, and miss those errors. Your spelling was fine, but I found many, many grammar mistakes. There were tons of incomplete sentences which made the story hard for me to read. Complete sentences make a story flow better, and in erotic writing, I think this is essential. I also found quite a few punctuation mistakes.

In Bourbon and Ice, you confuse your tenses several times. Sometimes your story is in present tense. Sometimes it’s in past tense. You MUST be consistent.

I noticed that when you write incomplete sentences, you tend to use verbs ending with “ing.” Like: “His cock throbbing in his pants aching to be released so he can ravage this goddess of a woman.” Unfortunately that’s not a sentence. Fortunately, it’s easy to fix. (Just add a “was” after "cock", a comma after "pants". I'd also change "can" to "could".) Again, a good editor would point these instances out to you.

Uh-oh. Cyber sex alert! “Kymberley breaks off the kiss slowly, tenderly sucking at your lip and then steps back away from you. With a flash of a wickedly delicious smile, she once again questions you.” This always makes me wonder if a story has been converted from a cyber session. Even if it’s not, make sure you fix this. Again, an editor would probably find this type of thing for you.

Okay, on to the opinion portion of my critique.

Some of your writing could be, for want of a better word, tighter and more succinct. For example, you wrote, "With a flash of a wickedly delicious smile, she once again questions you.” I'd make that, "Flashing a wickedly delicious smile, she questions you once again." Not a big difference, maybe, but it "feels" better to me. Again, I'll admit that what I just pointed out could have nothing to do with good writing and everything to do with my personal preference.

In the bar, Steven fantasizes about this woman, but feels no guilt whatsoever? Even though he’s having a shitty day and his wife’s a bitch, I still see him as a jerk because he didn’t seem to think twice about cheating. In this particular story, I think that you, as the writer, wanted us to be rooting for him, hoping that he scores with her because his life is in the toilet. But I didn’t like him and I didn’t sympathize with him because of his easy dismissal of his marriage. That could just be me. Again, this is all opinion.

The Bill and Monica line was funny. The bit about falling off the wagon was cute too, but after a while the joke got a little worn out (at least for me.)

WARNING: To anyone who hasn't read "Bourbon and Ice," you may not want to read further, because I might spoil the ending for you.

In general, I liked “Bourbon and Ice” much better than “Sharon’s First Lesson”, especially with great twist at the end. That really took me by surprise. What I didn't understand was why Kymberley wasn’t as shocked as Steven was. Did she know who he was all along? If so, you probably should have inserted just a little hint way at the beginning that she was there for a boring dinner party just outside of town, or something like that. Or have her look at him strangely or make cryptic remarks that don’t make sense until the end.

While I read Sharon’s First Lesson, I didn’t find it particularly exciting. <winces> And I can’t seem to figure out why. It’s not because I’m straight, because I’ve read lesbian stories that have made me hot. I wish I had something more constructive to say about that. I’m sorry.

I notice in the editing I’ve done that authors always seem to have pet phrases that occur a little too frequently in their writing. One of yours is “his cock was aching to be freed.” Just be aware that you like that phrase. You can use the Edit/Search/Replace tool in Word to find where you’ve written about a cock aching for freedom so you can change it.

In erotica you have to be extremely careful about setting up a scene. Positions of bodies in relation to furniture is of tantamount importance. I was very confused about where they were in relation to the chair when she first begins to seduce him in the room.

"Kymberley," he groaned, "please let me touch you, let me taste you, let me feel myself deep within you while your velvety lips hold tightly to my shaft." Would a guy really SAY this? That type of phrasing is good for the narrative, but as dialogue it sounds a little, well, cheesy. Sorry!

Pet Peeve: I usually hate it when bra size is mentioned in a story, but for the first time, the way you did it doesn’t bother me. I can believe that the character was into bra size. When it's mentioned in the physical description of a female character, it tells me that the AUTHOR is into bra sizes! Steven is genuinely interested and actually ASKS her, which somehow makes it acceptable. Well done!

Okay, to sum up: I think you have great potential, and these two stories are much better than a lot of the others that I click on, read the first paragraph, and BACK ARROW fast! I think you describe things with rich language, but your writing could be a little tighter. Get yourself an editor or two or five. (With my last story, I used the services of five volunteers, and they all, miraculously, found DIFFERENT mistakes! Not one of them found the same error, which was a little scary. If I’d only used one, my story would probably be riddled with mistakes!)

I hope that I've been helpful. Sincere good luck with your future writing.



[This message has been edited by whispersecret (edited 05-03-2000).]

 

[Kymberley]

Making a mental note....Don't ask for feedback if you can't take it.

Thank you both for taking the time to read them. Whispersecret, you are brutal babe. But thank you for all the tips. I re-read them both again and found some of those things myself.

Now I dread when the next one posts. Can't even imagine what will be found wrong with that one. Oh well...practice makes perfect.

Thanks Again

Kymberley

 

[Whispersecret]

<sighs> I read over my critique over and over before posting it and really tried to mix in positive with the negative. I guess I failed. I didn't mean to be brutal. <winces>

I hope you're not discouraged from writing. I'm not the be-all-end-all writing guru, no matter how much I'd like to try to be. I am positive there are a ton of people who disagree with what I said, but don't have as much time as I have to critique stories.

Keep writing. Seriously.

Forgot to mention--Weird Harold is a great editor, but because of that he's got a line of people waiting for his services.)

 

[Kymberley]

No Whispersecret you did not discourage me from writing. You did however make me think twice about what I send in to literotica as well as how many times I will read and re-read the stories before I submit them. I really did want constructive critism from people who did not know me, seems that my friends love them typos and all.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read them and let me know your thoughts.

Kymberley