Wanting advice and guidance for first/new BDSM relationship

[MissPrecious]

Hello,

I'm a 19 year old woman, and soon to be sub. I've been fantasizing about this for about as long as I've been sexually active (about four years). I've been frustrated that I haven't been able to find someone interested in a BDSM-relationship... But one day I did. And I'm so excited. And COMPLETELY terrified and nervous, not to mention filled with anticipation.

I'm not looking for ANY dirty talk, but I'd love to talk to someone more experienced than me, both subs and doms. I'm interested in learning, getting advice and guidance, and simply having someone to talk to about this new experience. I really have no-one in real life (except for the guy I'm actually making this commitment to) to talk to about this, and It'd be great to be able to air my thoughts with someone.

Please message me if you would be able to help a girl out! I bet y'all remember how it was being a newbie...

 

[MeekMe]

Welcome to the board! There is a ton of information to be gained. We have lots of experienced and inexperienced folks that are happy to share.

We have stickies with information.

Along with recent posts very similar to yours.

And if you look through the board you'll find even more posts just like it.

Asking questions outright here in the forum is a great way to get multiple views on the situation and it helps anyone that may be lurking and too afraid to join in. Please be aware that advertising for any kind of PM opens you up to receiving PMs from scumbags. They really don't care that you stated you don't want to talk dirty with them, they will try anyway.

Some things you can do: Put warnings in your sig and profile. Learn where the "Ignore" feature is (click on the user name and look for "Add User Name to Ignore list").

Most of us are nice and happy to relay our experiences. ^_^ Good luck!

 

[MissPrecious]

Thank you, MeekMe! I will keep that in mind. I am not looking to talk to any pervs Will definitely watch out. And thank you for the links, I will go through them immideately

 

[Halan1969]

The road continues

I sent you something. check it out

 

[SunnyMoon77]

Not much help

I am a 37 year old woman, and just had my very first scene as a sub yesterday. I thought I was going to throw up I was so nervous. I researched the heck out of everything, made sure I checked out the dom as much as possible, and set up a life line just in case. In the end, it went amazingly well, and I can't wait to do it again.

 

[SovereignShe]

My advice to you is to really be open and honest during training. Allow him to push you to your limits. I'll never forget my sub's very green moments. I'm lucky I lived through them!

Listen listen listen!!! Pay attention to what your Dom is telling you. Best advice ever.

 

[MeekMe]

My advice to you is to really be open and honest during training. Allow him to push you to your limits. I'll never forget my sub's very green moments. I'm lucky I lived through them!

Listen listen listen!!! Pay attention to what your Dom is telling you. Best advice ever.

This is very subjective. It matters a great deal what their relationship involves. Training for you is VERY different (non-existent) for me and many others.

For submissives it's important to know that what you want matters. We're not doormats and we have a say. If something makes you uncomfortable (limits or hard limits) you CAN say "no." Every relationship is different and there is no one true way.

Communicate openly before, during and after a scene. I think that is pretty good advice.

 

[CutieMouse]

My standard advice in this sort of situation, is to make sure everyone is on the same page re: what submission means; re: what dominance means.

Because you have said you're a "soon to be sub"... what exactly does that even MEAN? What does submitting look like to you? How long have you known domly dude? How do you know he's interested in the same philosophy of D/s as you? Is he the sort of person who buys into the whole "training" "punishment" blahblahblah? What about micromanaging?

I ask those things, because it's very common for people newly identifying as submissive (or dominant) to get caught up in a very... sterilized version of what = sub and what = dom. For example, I read a post on Fetlife earlier today, where someone was upset that her dominant partner wasn't doing it "right" - they'd finished the scene, and she expected him to tell her to get up. Because in her mind, if he wasn't telling her every single little thing to do, he wasn't being dominant. (My internal reaction was that dude was being plenty dominant... by refusing to be a fetish delivery system. lol)

You may indeed be submissive. But there's no real reason to label yourself, or what you do; there's nothing wrong with bottoming, or just enjoying yourself. You're interested in alternative relationship styles and sexual practices. Kick ass! Explore. Experiment. Get your kink on. But my best advice is don't jump off the deep end with the first domly dude you meet, because ZOMG TEH SUBMISSION!

 

[MoonHawke]

First thing I would say is have limits.

You can always adjust your limits by talking with your Dom. When I first got involved with my Dom, I said that anal was off limits. As we continued our relationship and I got more comfortable with our relationship, I decided that this might be something I would like to try. We haven't yet, but we both know that it's no longer a limit for me.

A Dom should always respect your limits. If they don't, stop. If you let your limits get walked over, you open yourself up to getting abused.

Second thing is always talk with your Dom.

Talk about your feelings and make sure that you're on the same page. My Dom has me keep a journal where I can reflect on things we've done and just get out thoughts that I'm having.

Look into articles online. submissiveguide is a great website that I like to check out for different topics. I would also recommend checking out Sir Kelly's bill of rights for submissives. Some of the other pages on his page are good reading as well.

I'm happy to help further if you want to chat.

 

[SovereignShe]

This is extremely good advice.

My training is certainly different than most doms/dommes. I use the word training very loosely. It's more or less a time to really focus on desires, needs, and what my lovely man needs assistance with. He was brand new to this lifestyle so my training was actually answering a lot of questions.

Having said that...everyone is different in their kink, ideas, and opinions. What is rock solid in my relationship might be awful for another. Listen to one another. I might be granted the final say on financial decisions, but he knows he absolutely has a voice and can use it. That goes for many aspects in my life.

I love my submissive more than anything. He is truly my world. I would do anything to help him succeed in anything he desires. His safety is my utmost concern and his health and happiness. So while I say "training" we are actually working on his anxiety disorder to help him heal.

I've gotten off track, but yes...your post was so amazingly well put together. What one thing means to one person might be something for another. Training to me isn't whips and chains, it means assisting my man to living the way he deserves to live...without fear and anxiety.

 

[CollarAndFeather]

Hello, I'm another fairly inexperienced, but well-read, sub. While I may not have the kind of advice you're looking for, but I tend to follow these kinds of threads because I'm still learning too & I'll throw in my 2cents if I have anything of worth to say.

Glad to hear you found a nice Dom, lucky little bitch *giggles & ruffles your hair playfully* just remember bdsm covers a pretty wide range but I hope you get lucky and you're both a great match for each other. ^_^

 

[MissPrecious]

Thank you for great advice everyone. We had our first "real" night yesterday and he was really respectful and nice. We tried out some toys, I got to look through all his equipment etc beforehand. It was really nice.

Other than that I'm not so happy about all the sexual messages I've been receiving. I think that it is really disrespectful, and some of you should think twice before messaging someone that has asked in particular not to go down the dirty-messages road.

 

[MeekMe]

Thank you for great advice everyone. We had our first "real" night yesterday and he was really respectful and nice. We tried out some toys, I got to look through all his equipment etc beforehand. It was really nice.

Other than that I'm not so happy about all the sexual messages I've been receiving. I think that it is really disrespectful, and some of you should think twice before messaging someone that has asked in particular not to go down the dirty-messages road.

That's why we suggest talking in the forum. Like I said, if you throw an invitation out for PMs, the scumbags really won't care that you said you didn't want to talk dirty. The only thing they care about is that you invited people to PM you. For them it's kind of like waving a ball in front of an excited dog.

What?!?! You want people to PM you?!?! *jumps around happily* PM SENT!!!!!!! Can't wait! PM ME! PM ME! PM ME! *wags tail* Sex! PMs! Sex!



I'm happy you had a good time. The forum is always open to offering advice.

 

[MissPrecious]

Gotta start expecting less from people I guess. I just don't feel comfortable about discussing my sexlife openly for everyone to read. It probably wouldn't do any harm but I would not like to be recognized. Even though Him and I are the only two that knows our business. I dont know if he'd approve of me writing freely about it.

 

[KoPilot]

Personally, I've found that turning off PMs completely is the way to go. Is there really any benefit to talking about something privately here? I mean, you're already anonymous, and you can get some great, meaningful discussions out in the public forums. I just don't see the point unless you're roleplaying or talking shit about someone lol.

 

[MissPrecious]

Just scared of recognizion and a bit shy I guess. But I guess its alright, I just wouldn't know what to write in an opening post to "discuss" this

 

[Cumference]

Gotta start expecting less from people I guess. I just don't feel comfortable about discussing my sexlife openly for everyone to read. It probably wouldn't do any harm but I would not like to be recognized. Even though Him and I are the only two that knows our business. I dont know if he'd approve of me writing freely about it.

Don't expect less, but expect in a realistic way.
I you leave your money in the street, most people will actually not steal them, but you don't expect them to be there when you come back?

There are some "very extrovert" people on the internet, and they love to work under a cover of anonymity and invisibility.
There is even a very entertaining "asshat"-thread, where some of the "best" PMs are collected.

EDIT:
There are actually two of those!
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=750187
And
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=387054


The best thing to do, is to speak openly and anonymously.
Should an asshat act in an asshatty way, the moderaters will "reward him appropriately" for it.
Tell only what you want to tell.

 

[Coolhand777]

Be careful

Always remember.....submission is a gift given to a Dom based off trust and needs. A good Dom will not abuse that power and do what is best for his sub. Often that includes pushing your limits and exposing you to new ideas/experiences as he sees fit but he should also have your best interests at heart. I always want my sub to feel safe. I may hurt her by giving her a necessary spanking, however she knows in her heart I would never harm her. Make sure you have that trust established with him before you're tied to the bed with a ball gag in your mouth.

 

[Stella_Omega]

And do remember that only you know what your name really is. Miss Precious? She's someone else.

 

[MissPrecious]

Always remember.....submission is a gift given to a Dom based off trust and needs. A good Dom will not abuse that power and do what is best for his sub. Often that includes pushing your limits and exposing you to new ideas/experiences as he sees fit but he should also have your best interests at heart. I always want my sub to feel safe. I may hurt her by giving her a necessary spanking, however she knows in her heart I would never harm her. Make sure you have that trust established with him before you're tied to the bed with a ball gag in your mouth.

Already been in that position But it was a good experience and he was really nice and gentle (well, as gentle as BDSM can be..). Felt safe all the way.

Thank you