Wanted VS Needed

[Cattypuss]

I think for me a large part of the reason I don't want to be needed is that I find independence attractive.

I want to be loved. I want to be desired. I want to be wanted. But I also want him to be a fully functioning human, with or without me, or he ceases to be attractive to me.

And I'm not talking about money.

 

[neci]

Cheap Trick - I Want You To Want Me

this song has been in my head since i first saw this thread.

 

[BiBunny]

I'll take a helping of both, please.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Definitely both. But, after many years with someone who needed me but didn't want me, my self confidence took a bit of a kicking. So right now, I truly do need to feel wanted. Preferred. Chosen.

 

[YourCaptor]

Needed

no question about it

 

[wicked woman]

Wanted.

Wanted implies a choice...that out of various options, he wants to be with me. Needed...like water, air, food, shelter...doesn't imply a choice. It's needed to survive.
I want it to be a choice.

During my marriage, I recall telling my husband that while I may not need him...I could survive without him... that I wanted to be with him. I thought it was a compliment. Apparently it was an insult (from his point of view). But I stand by it.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I definitely want to be wanted. I know that I am needed by my family and while I am happy to provide for them, and was fully satisfied in my role as SAHM, it can be draining to be needed. Want connotates desire and choice, which makes it so appealing to me.

 

[midwestyankee]

Wanted.

Wanted implies a choice...that out of various options, he wants to be with me. Needed...like water, air, food, shelter...doesn't imply a choice. It's needed to survive.
I want it to be a choice.

During my marriage, I recall telling my husband that while I may not need him...I could survive without him... that I wanted to be with him. I thought it was a compliment. Apparently it was an insult (from his point of view). But I stand by it.

This is very much the way I see it, too. I want to be wanted by choice. Yes, most of us sometimes use "need" to signify a high state of want ("Damn but I need you now, babe, right NOW!"), but we don't really mean need in the sense of needing food, shelter, and clothing when we say that.

If wanting another is not by choice, then we're talking a degree of emotional fusion between two people that is simply unhealthy. No relationship growth can come when two people are emotionally fused.

 

[rida]

Thank you for all your answers!

So it seems that for many it comes down to how they interpret the word "need", while there seem to be a more homogeneous take on the word "want" (= by choice).

"need" as in needy, clingy, something that is inevitable but not necessarily appreciated seems definitely not appealing.

but "need" as in something the other cannot do without (to be happy/fulfilled) seems to be at least wanted by some.

I'm all for wanted as a conscious choice. But part of me feel the need to feel indispensable. As you can always consciously change your mind on your want, but cannot change your mind on your need.

I've to admit, part of me dream at time of unhealthy relationships (like being called "his drug" ... )

*snip* someone is your air and you are their...cheesecake.

I like the above analogy

 

[PertPerth]

Need to be wanted. I can't be with someone who feels indifferent about me - be it a partner or a friend.
I think back to a guy I call "Dumb Ass" who stood me up SO many times (too many to count, over a ~2 year period). Why did I keep letting it happen? When he spoke to me, emailed me, or sms'd me, he would always make it seem that he really wanted me and only me. After I gave up on him, I met a guy who 'wanted a girlfriend' (as he was one of those guys who doesn't like to be single) but he didn't really want me. I always felt like he was looking at other women when he was with me - he's the only guy that made me feel like that and I hated every second of it. Of course, I tried to be rational about it, thinking that it was all in my head, but in the end I got upset with him about it and we broke up. It was only recently that I got an email from him apologising.

 

[00Syd]

I don't know how y'all are seperating the two like this. wants/needs are really intertwined for me.

 

[midwestyankee]

I don't know how y'all are seperating the two like this. wants/needs are really intertwined for me.

Syd, do you remember the point in geometry where you learned that a square is a rectangle but not all rectangles are squares? I see the distinction between wants and needs in the same way. My needs are essential to my life: food, shelter, clothing, occasionally some air. My wants can improve my life but they're not essential to staying alive.

I can definitely want my needs but I don't necessarily need my wants.

 

[MisterSir]

I don't know how y'all are seperating the two like this. wants/needs are really intertwined for me.

Such as? Me, I can't understand how you CAN'T separate the two, simply because my needs and wants don't appear to cross paths at all.

 

[subish2009]

Syd, do you remember the point in geometry where you learned that a square is a rectangle but not all rectangles are squares? I see the distinction between wants and needs in the same way. My needs are essential to my life: food, shelter, clothing, occasionally some air. My wants can improve my life but they're not essential to staying alive.

I can definitely want my needs but I don't necessarily need my wants.

I think this is a fantastic analogy!

I've been thinking about this thread for days... These aren't terms I would usually use to try to define such parameters, but I've been attempting to, just as a self-reflection exercise.

I think I need to be wanted. And to me that primarily means sexually, but also in terms of personality. A lot of my self-esteem is tied up in the way I look (I know I'm not alone there, but it's still true). I need to feel that men want me, physically, and that women think I look great. Not necessarily better than them, but I just need that approval from both sexes. Yes, I know how unhealthy that is, and I manage it, but it's there.

I think I want to be needed by my daughter, my husband, my online Dom, and maybe my best girl friend. Frankly, that's about all I can handle. The 'need', for me, is related to love. I NEED the people I love in the way that I need air to breathe. Not literally, of course, but in order to be happy, to be my best self. These are the people that help define who I am. These are my deep, soul-sustaining relationships, and I want them to need me as much as I need them.

That being said...the key words there are that I want them to need me. I don't need them to. As long as they want me and are okay with me needing them, I'm happy.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Such as? Me, I can't understand how you CAN'T separate the two, simply because my needs and wants don't appear to cross paths at all.

same here, the line is not fuzzy at all for me.

 

[00Syd]

Syd, do you remember the point in geometry where you learned that a square is a rectangle but not all rectangles are squares? I see the distinction between wants and needs in the same way. My needs are essential to my life: food, shelter, clothing, occasionally some air. My wants can improve my life but they're not essential to staying alive.

I can definitely want my needs but I don't necessarily need my wants.

Such as? Me, I can't understand how you CAN'T separate the two, simply because my needs and wants don't appear to cross paths at all.

I guess what I mean is that I don't know how to separate them in terms of a relationship. What I need and what I want in a relationship tend to either be one and the same or similar to each other. Sure, I can separate needs and wants in general life-stuff like you (MWY) mentioned (food, shelter, clothing, etc), but relationship-specific stuff... not so much. They both flow easily into each other.

Admittedly, I'm a pretty needy person. Or at least I'm constantly afraid that I'm too needy.

 

[MisterSir]

That's a fair answer. I suppose that, in a relationship context, to need stops meaning "I must have this or I will not survive" and starts being about like..."I must have this. If I can't get it here I will not be happy".

 

[00Syd]

That's a fair answer. I suppose that, in a relationship context, to need stops meaning "I must have this or I will not survive" and starts being about like..."I must have this. If I can't get it here I will not be happy".

I mean... this whole thread was about relationships right? That's the context I was responding in.

 

[Primalex]

I don't need to be wanted and I don't want to be needed.

 

[CurlyKat]

I guess what I mean is that I don't know how to separate them in terms of a relationship. What I need and what I want in a relationship tend to either be one and the same or similar to each other. Sure, I can separate needs and wants in general life-stuff like you (MWY) mentioned (food, shelter, clothing, etc), but relationship-specific stuff... not so much. They both flow easily into each other.

Admittedly, I'm a pretty needy person. Or at least I'm constantly afraid that I'm too needy.

I totally agree with you on this. Within a relationship, my needs and wants are so closely related that it's very, very hard to separate them out. Obviously, there are some things that are just kind of nice to have, and those are just the wanting outliers.

I have varying degrees of how much I want to be wanted or needed, too. Just about everyone, admitting it or not, wants to be wanted at some point. That validation and ego boost is just too nice not to be tempting. I need that a little more often than some people do. I get really insecure (even though I know it's stupid) when it's not made very clear on a semi-normal basis that yes, I am actually wanted.

Being needed is very nice, too, as long as it's controlled. I don't want everyone in the world to need me, but I like knowing that no one else can replace me in whatever context I'm fulfilling. It makes me feel more pride and ownership in whatever I'm doing, so I'm more likely to be my best. It also gives me a bigger sense of self-worth.

Honestly, I COULD survive without either. I would just be absolutely miserable and not a very high-functioning human being.

 

[LilTexanGal]

I guess what I mean is that I don't know how to separate them in terms of a relationship. What I need and what I want in a relationship tend to either be one and the same or similar to each other. Sure, I can separate needs and wants in general life-stuff like you (MWY) mentioned (food, shelter, clothing, etc), but relationship-specific stuff... not so much. They both flow easily into each other.

Admittedly, I'm a pretty needy person. Or at least I'm constantly afraid that I'm too needy.

When I read this post...I assumed the OP was about relationships. I believe that needs and wants within a relationship can be inter-dependant upon each other.

With Master I need and want His direction. I need for Him to want me. I want for Him to need me (in certain ways).

In my opinion....in relationships....each party has their strengths and weaknesses and they need each other to balance each other out. For example there is the saver and the spender. One is dependant upon the other.

With my children....they need and want (even though they wouldn't say this) direction and discipline (no, I'm not talking about spanking).

 

[your_vice]

I need not to be needed. Maybe it's just the stage in my life (mid 20s) but a large part of it is the thrill of knowing that I'm not needed. Ultimately, I need to feel expendable because I'm emotionally masochistic. I don't know what I'd do with a dominant guy who needed me. I can get needy and downright clingy in relationships, if I'm allowed to get away with it but ultimately I know that if it all breaks down I'll survive and move on. Not to know that about a partner would scare me to death and make him less alluring as a result.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I need both equally.

 

[unknooown]

If we're talking about romantic relationships, I need to be wanted and want to be needed.

Wanting: I consider want to be lust-driven. I like knowing my girlfriend finds me attractive. I like knowing she wants to be with me and to have sex with me. I wouldn't be able to be with her if she didn't make this want clear (and likewise I try to make clear how much I want her). Although I'm usually the one to initiate sex, the times she initiates are particularly memorable and significant to me. Without this mutual want our relationship would not exist.

Needing: I want to be needed. It's not that I want my girlfriend to be completely dependent on me, but I like taking care of her. When I got this apartment I more or less moved her in right away and I pay for everything. I pay rent & utilities, buy the food we eat, the beer we drink, and any other stuff we might have. I make (or try to make) my girlfriend save all her money for whatever she might want it for. But in the here and now, I try to pay for everything.

I would like, eventually, for her paychecks to be direct deposited but for her not to have a debit card, only a credit card for emergencies. I would like to give her a (generous) weekly or monthly allowance or something. I doubt she'd ever go for that though.

 

[unknooown]

I sound like a psychopath.