Wanted: feedback on 1st Story
- Thread starter jnny
- Start date
posted my first story on literotica and I'd love to have some suggestions on how to improve.
G
Guest
Guest
Jenny,
It's good to let everyone know about your work by displaying the story link in your post so they don't have to look too hard.
Here's Jenny's story:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=83935
It's good to let everyone know about your work by displaying the story link in your post so they don't have to look too hard.
Here's Jenny's story:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=83935
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
Sorry, Jnny, but your story is unreadable for me. Too many egregious and unforgivable errors. You have naked, nonsensical sentence fragments, a lack of punctuation, glaring wrong word mistakes (mistaking "they're" and "their" is just unforgivable).
You badly need an editor with a command of written English.
---dr.M.
You badly need an editor with a command of written English.
---dr.M.
hiddenself
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2002
- Posts
- 452
This reads like notes hastily jotted down as the story was running through your mind -- sloppily written notes, as dr.M. pointed out.
The story suffered from tense switches (past, then present), sentence fragments all over the place, bad punctuation, and grammatical and spelling mistakes. This free-floating unstructured way is what I call pictorial/visual writing (trying to capture the essence of the picture in your mind) and may seem cute but is almost impossible to carry out. It definitely did not work in this case.
The story also has some serious narrative/plot problems. Supposedly, Jen is bi-curious but she hasn't had any experiences. Now, how likely is it that she'll jump into a full-blown 69 with another woman? No experimentation, no kissing, no foreplay? Yeah, right. Then, you have Christian coming 4 times in the span of maybe 15-30 minutes. That's ridiculous.
This would be an excellent first draft of a sketch for a story. You have an awfully powerful ability to capture the intensity of a scene, distill the picture into sentence fragments. On that basis alone, I gave you a "2," despite the other major problems. But that's just the skeleton, the bones. Don't waste it. Now, you should sit down and expand those notes, tell a story. Add the meat, and muscle, and skin -- make it beautiful. Try to avoid overkill and cliches, insert some dialogue, and do pay attention to the rules of the English language -- If you are having trouble with it, an editor can always help. I suspect that combining your very vivid scenes with a decent writeup will produce a really hot story.
hs
The story suffered from tense switches (past, then present), sentence fragments all over the place, bad punctuation, and grammatical and spelling mistakes. This free-floating unstructured way is what I call pictorial/visual writing (trying to capture the essence of the picture in your mind) and may seem cute but is almost impossible to carry out. It definitely did not work in this case.
The story also has some serious narrative/plot problems. Supposedly, Jen is bi-curious but she hasn't had any experiences. Now, how likely is it that she'll jump into a full-blown 69 with another woman? No experimentation, no kissing, no foreplay? Yeah, right. Then, you have Christian coming 4 times in the span of maybe 15-30 minutes. That's ridiculous.
This would be an excellent first draft of a sketch for a story. You have an awfully powerful ability to capture the intensity of a scene, distill the picture into sentence fragments. On that basis alone, I gave you a "2," despite the other major problems. But that's just the skeleton, the bones. Don't waste it. Now, you should sit down and expand those notes, tell a story. Add the meat, and muscle, and skin -- make it beautiful. Try to avoid overkill and cliches, insert some dialogue, and do pay attention to the rules of the English language -- If you are having trouble with it, an editor can always help. I suspect that combining your very vivid scenes with a decent writeup will produce a really hot story.
hs
TrinaT
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2002
- Posts
- 126
I must agree with the others. I had a very difficult time with the choppy sentences and the lack of detail to keep an even flow to your story.
It is a good story base and should be expanded. I would suggest that you ask for some help in the author hangout or look for an editor posting for help, there are always people willing to help out.
Trina T
It is a good story base and should be expanded. I would suggest that you ask for some help in the author hangout or look for an editor posting for help, there are always people willing to help out.
Trina T
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