Want to give an opinion on this?

[Randi Grail]

Hello everyone! wow...all this great poetry...poets with really high ambition...on an erotica site? Art pops up in the strangest places.

Here is mine, is it ok to ask for feedback on a work in progress? If so, that's what I do.


Dreaming Of Sargasso
Randi Grail 2004

It was no illusion that brought this
down around our heads,
a necklace beaming beads of remorse,
glowing beautiful, but cold to the touch.

I lost the wave, the bearing,
and caught by doldrum, drifted.

Still, as ideas of greatness
shifted into focus
and into blur again,
I laid, eyes closed, carried by sargasso
while spires and domes and ancient ghosts
shadowed below, Atlantis dreaming ascension,
drifted.

I forgot to breathe,
remembered to love,
and woke up on an inhale
in tears.

"Ssh" I heard and felt
fingertips on my spine, lips on my shoulder
arms enclose around to place a palm
upon my heart.

"You're dreaming" I heard
and careful arms suggested gravity.
I fell back, surrendered to assurance
that no illusion did this,
neither hurt nor healing,

and that my necklace
was long since
cast aside.

I dreamt of sargasso,
but not of Atlantis
this time.

 

[WickedEve]

I think you need to change "I laid" to "I lay."
Lay: past tense of lie.

I would be tempted to drop this line:
"glowing beautiful, but cold to the touch"
It's not needed here, and it takes away from the rest of a very good stanza, in my opinion.

This a very good poem that may end up being a bit better with a few edits. What I offered above are only suggestions.

 

[champagne1982]

Hello Randi,

Welcome to our little world of "art" in the midst of durty storeez. You have written a beautiful poem. I have one suggestion to make, bear in mind it's only my opinion and as such, you can feel free to use it or ignore it as you wish.

It was no illusion that brought this
down around our heads,
a necklace beaming beads of remorse,
glowing beautiful, but cold to the touch.

I love this metaphor but I think it would be more effective if you changed beaming into something a little more suggestive of the glowing necklace imagery. How about structuring this line, so? a necklace draped. Beads of remorse, The enjambment ends the thought of the necklace falling onto shoulders and then more naturally, I think, moves to the bead description.

 

[champagne1982]

I think you need to change "I laid" to "I lay."
Lay: past tense of lie.

I would be tempted to drop this line:
"glowing beautiful, but cold to the touch"
It's not needed here, and it takes away from the rest of a very good stanza, in my opinion.

This a very good poem that may end up being a bit better with a few edits. What I offered above are only suggestions.

Hi Eve, I was looking at, and uncomfortable with the word choice of "laid" here as well. Thanks for clarifying that. If you wanted to use the past perfect here, you'd choose, I had lain, correct?

 

[Randi Grail]

Hi Eve, I was looking at, and uncomfortable with the word choice of "laid" here as well. Thanks for clarifying that. If you wanted to use the past perfect here, you'd choose, I had lain, correct?

Yes, very true. That was just me slipping on the grammar. "I lay" it shall be.

Thank you both so much for your other suggestions. I'll do a revision soon, and will have your words in mind.

By the way...how in the name of Elvis' sideburns did I become a virgin again?

 

[WickedEve]

Yes, very true. That was just me slipping on the grammar. "I lay" it shall be.

Thank you both so much for your other suggestions. I'll do a revision soon, and will have your words in mind.

By the way...how in the name of Elvis' sideburns did I become a virgin again?

I think you'll lose your virginity after about 30 posts--maybe 50.
Elvis had big sideburns as phallic symbols. Though no one dared call him dickhead.

 

[Tathagata]

I think you'll lose your virginity after about 30 posts--maybe 50.
Elvis had big sideburns as phallic symbols. Though no one dared call him dickhead.

...until he'd left the building

 

[WickedEve]

...until he'd left the building

Elvis has left the building!

Audience: "Dickhead!"

I don't think so...

Anyway, Randi, I look forward to reading more of your poetry. And I hope you stick around the board for awhile, because if you do, then you'll forgive us for going on about dickheads, because you'll realize that we don't have much sense.

 

[Tathagata]

Elvis has left the building!

Audience: "Dickhead!"

I don't think so...

Anyway, Randi, I look forward to reading more of your poetry. And I hope you stick around the board for awhile, because if you do, then you'll forgive us for going on about dickheads, because you'll realize that we don't have much sense.

speak for yourself fruit chest

 

[WickedEve]

speak for yourself fruit chest

I knew you were going to say that... except for the fruit chest part, you slab of meat.

 

[Randi Grail]

 

[Tathagata]

I knew you were going to say that... except for the fruit chest part, you slab of meat.

Now I'm just all a quiver

( and for some reason the phrase " melon baller" came to mind)

 

[WickedEve]

Oh, great! Now we've traumatized Randi.

 

[Tathagata]

Oh, great! Now we've traumatized Randi.

is Randi a guy or a girl??

It was YOU not me
after all you're the " wicked" one

 

[WickedEve]

Now I'm just all a quiver

( and for some reason the phrase " melon baller" came to mind)

Oh, you quivering slab of man meat (that's really not a very appealing image.)

and for some reason the phrase "meat tenderizer" came to mind

 

[Tathagata]

Oh, you quivering slab of man meat (that's really not a very appealing image.)

and for some reason the phrase "meat tenderizer" came to mind

LOL

and of course that has just the opposite effect on me and now I'm all ready to be tenderized....and....stuff

 

[WickedEve]

is Randi a guy or a girl??

It was YOU not me
after all you're the " wicked" one

Profile says skinny female 18-22
That means we need to be careful not to break her--she's too young and skinny.

 

[Tathagata]

Profile says skinny female 18-22
That means we need to be careful not to break her--she's too young and skinny.

I thought you weren't gay??

 

[WickedEve]

LOL

and of course that has just the opposite effect on me and now I'm all ready to be tenderized....and....stuff

I know stuff.

Now, what about this poem of Randi's?
Randi, are you going to submit it to literotica?
Answer quickly before kitten ass has something else to day.

 

[WickedEve]

I thought you weren't gay??

I feeling happy at the moment... oh, that. I meant not to break her with all our foolishness and semi-dirty talk. I'm sure plenty of newbies have been scared away by you. Not me, though.

 

[Tathagata]

I feeling happy at the moment... oh, that. I meant not to break her with all our foolishness and semi-dirty talk. I'm sure plenty of newbies have been scared away by you. Not me, though.

I think your hat scared people

 

[WickedEve]

I think your hat scared people

not the hat, the mystery beneath the hat.

 

[Tathagata]

not the hat, the mystery beneath the hat.

Mystery......


That a new word for it

 

[WickedEve]

Mystery......


That a new word for it

I think that's an insult, but the rose you're offering up beneath the statement is throwing me off. hmm...

 

[Tathagata]

I think that's an insult, but the rose you're offering up beneath the statement is throwing me off. hmm...

.....like a deer in the headlights...........