WalMart Angst

[SydneyBlake]

Red lived in Maine for three years I thought she was exaggerating until she took me up there to visit some friends.

I agree with Carlos. Generations worth. That shit can't happen in just one generation.

Really? I'd never heard that about Maine. We're so busy making fun of Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana that we don't have time to worry about anything that far away.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

I agree with Carlos.

That's Carlus, Bubba. (Puts dukes up as he speaks.) Carlus. (Snarls, revealing his toothless, inbred gums. Swings at nearby pole, misses, revealing his near-blindness.)

That'll learn ya.

 

[JackLuis]

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/3001.jpg

AND

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/2997.jpg

I know heels are supposed to make a woman’s butt look better, but I don’t think you’re supposed to just let it hang out for us to decide whether it looks better. It takes the subtly out of it.

The captions are worth the time.

 

[lovecraft68]

That's Carlus, Bubba. (Puts dukes up as he speaks.) Carlus. (Snarls, revealing his toothless, inbred gums. Swings at nearby pole, misses, revealing his near-blindness.)

That'll learn ya.

Lovecraft warily backs off cleverly keeping Carlus on his left sid, the eye in which he is legally blind in. LC may not be inbred, but he is truly Polish.

BTW bookmarked the story you sent me hope to read some this weekend.

 

[bronzeage]

No kidding. I had to go to the back of the line, and by the time I was let into the store, the seats were all sold out.

At 12:40 a.m., a sinister figure holding a screwdriver was observed slinking his way out of a Wal*Mart restroom with three prominent horseshoe shaped bulges from under his sweatshirt.

It wasn't me, though.

That was a bad move. Those funny little electronic eye flush switches are really cameras. Walmart has your toilet seat theft on film. They have everybody on film. One of Walmart's biggest revenue sources is paid subscription scat porn sites. They'll probably label your video as "toilet seat sniffer freak can't get enough" or something like that.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I'm addicted to a site called http://notalwaysright.com/. Sometimes I read their stories out loud to mum, and she insists that these stories must be made up, because no-one can be THAT stupid. I always tell her:

"Mum, I used to work for tech support..? Yes, they CAN."

 

[mynameisben]

That was a bad move. Those funny little electronic eye flush switches are really cameras. Walmart has your toilet seat theft on film. They have everybody on film. One of Walmart's biggest revenue sources is paid subscription scat porn sites. They'll probably label your video as "toilet seat sniffer freak can't get enough" or something like that.

Not to worry.

A funny thing happened on my way out of the store. As I searched for my car, a rather conspicuous looking SUV in the parking lot caught my eye. The van was festooned with crate paper streamers, the windows were whitewashed with painted hearts and stars. "Just Married" stood out in streaky bold letters on the rear window. I crept forward furtively to gain a closer look.

"God damn that, idiot!" a familiar voice screamed from inside the van. "Him and his stupid…his stupid nutsI" She pounded a fist against the dash with such force it set the entire vehicle shuddering on its suspension.

I froze in my tracks when I got a good look at the woman inside. The honeymooning couple! She was the fairer half of that dastardly duo who got me into this mess in the first place. With extreme caution, I peeked into a side window. The SUV was empty, save for the woman. The driver's seat was also empty. The husband was not inside the van.

As it turned out, the newlywed husband had a powerful affection for pistachios, which, as it so happened, had also gone on super-sale at WalMart that night. After having made his way home and unloading 48 boxes of brand new toilet seats from the van (plus the three used ones his bride had lifted from the ladies room), he returned to the scene of the crime to satisfy an insane craving.

Twenty-two police squad cars pulled into the WalMart parking lot just then, sirens wailing. Officers ran from their cars and in through the front doors in converging rivers of blue.

I hatched a plan.

As the wife was distracted staring at all the commotion, I reached under my sweatshirt and slipped my purloined prizes onto the rooftop luggage rack of the SUV. Then, I pulled out my cellphone and dialed 9-1-1. I slunk away from the van and in hushed tones I gave a thorough physical description, from memory, of the husband to the emergency operator. Next I described the wife, and then I read off the license plate number of the SUV.

"Tell the police," I said. "Those are the two who stole the toilet seats. Hurry!"

Five minutes later, a man emerged from the front doors of WalMart, leisurely snacking from an oversized bag of dry roasted pistachios. Four police offers, guns drawn, leapt from the greeter's station and tackled the man to the ground. The bag of pistachios flew from his hands and onto the pavement, where they were instantly pulverized as, laughing, I ran them over on my way out of the parking lot.

Sometimes justice is served so sweetly, it borders on the erotic. The ending could not have been more satisfying for me. The husband busted his nuts, and I got off while the wife got fingered.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

The sweetest irony about that WalMart page is that banner at the bottom; under all the pics of freaks in - or rahter hanging out of - weird, torn-up, see-through, 5-sizes-too-small "clothes"; the banner reads:

"You don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent. There are thousands of siblings in foster care who 'll take you just as you are."

 

[CarlusMagnus]

BTW bookmarked the story you sent me hope to read some this weekend.

Hope you enjoy it.

 

[Handley_Page]

heh...good point! We need surveillance cameras in the condom aisle for at least a sense of reassuring!

I got the impression that it would not see much action, to judge by the results of previous (un-condomed) events.