Virtual Lover

[Beatles5]

An early one. Another words...another one that needs work!LOL...

Virtual Lover by Beatles5

Reach out and touch me...
In the middle of the night.
I'll take your hand,
And hold it tight.

Reach out through the darkness...
And across the stormy sea.
For you know that love is out there,
So open your heart to me.

And we will lay down...
In a bed of silken roses.
Where we will become one,
And our desires shall burn through the lovely night.

So lay it down...
Upon the lake of fire.
And let your desires...
Burn for me.

I think the first two lines of the second to last stanza are pretty good. And I think the last stanza is very good. But the rest of it needs work.

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

 

[OT]

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

Some suggestions:

Lose the ellipses. Maybe (maybe) one unfinished thought would be ok, but five is too much.

You might want to reconsider mixing rhyme/non-rhyme. It can be done, but it doesn't feel right here.

Compare these "tightened" lines with your originals:

"Reach for me in the night.
I'll take your hand, and hold it tight. "

"Reach through the darkness"

"lay down on the lake of fire.
Let your desires burn."

Obviously I may have chopped something important, but unless you are trying to establish a rhythm, you've a lot of extra filler words that don't move the poem forward.

The content is pretty Hallmark-sounding:
"across the stormy sea. "
"a bed of silken roses. "
"desires shall burn through the lovely night. "

I'm just one reader. It's your poem. My intent is to give you food for thought.

 

[Rybka]

Re: Re: Virtual Lover

...
I'm just one reader. It's your poem. My intent is to give you food for thought.

Dang OT, you're much nicer than I am!

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Beatles5]

Food For Thought

Thank you for the input, OT!
Lets read your thoughts, Rybka! Lay it on the line...LOL...I'm a tough man...I can take it.

 

[karmadog]

One man's useless opinion: It reads like an '80s power ballad.

Not that that's a bad thing, those guys made a lot of money. So, clearly, songs like that appeal to many, many people.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Food For Thought

...I'm a tough man...I can take it.

I'm so glad you said that! I had something to say and I started to post it when you first posted this poem but couldn't bring myself to do it. I hate to be harsh but the entire poem is cliche'. There's no fixing this one. Just put it away and write something else. Write something with real feelings, give real examples, dig deep! Then post it and let us help you work on it.

 

[Angeline]

Poetry

Though some here would argue this, the definition of poetry is subjective--taste defines the term for me. Your poem with a good editorial polish would probably be popular with those who are touched by the kind of verse found in a standard greeting card. Is that necessarily bad? No.

On the other hand, if what you want to do is write the type of poetry that goes beyond cliche and sentimentalism, you need to think about imagery and format, as I decribed it to you in another thread. You also need to scan carefully for cliche and find other, unexpected ways to say things.

Unless one is willing to work steadily and assiduously toward that goal, getting beyond the Hallmark stage is pretty unlikely.

I agree with Eve, who by the way writes wonderful poetry: bring something with real feeling here--"dig deep" is great advice--and we will try to help.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Re: Food For Thought

[...] the entire poem is cliche'. There's no fixing this one. Just put it away [...]

Hey, Wicked! Finally!

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: Re: Food For Thought

Hey, Wicked! Finally!

Well, you haven't been around much lately so I thought it best not to be too nice without the balance of your... ummm... intolerance.