Vierges Criards: Newly Submitted Story

[vierge]

Hi I am a new writer to this forum and to literotica.com, though not new to writing literature, and more recently erotica.

My name is C.K. and if you would all would PLEASE comment on the story, I would greatly appreciate it. I need some feedback as to if there are any ways I could improve the way I write, if it is realistic, etc.

The title is Vierges Criards and the author is me, vierge.

the link is: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=143823

It can also be found in the new story section as well as nonconsent/reluctance, although it is borderline toys and BDSM.

Okay well thanks and I hope to be hearing from some of you shortly and getting to know you all as well!

 

[Guest]

He walked up to the table and picked up a dildo, 8 inches long, 4 inches wide and gripped it with purpose as he walked back to her, his gaze darkening as he watched her pull and beat her back against the wall. "Stop it, girl!"

/.../

"Première leçon." The romantic language rolled off of his tongue through hips and swelled in her eager ear.

AJ, I know you are my pal and all, but realy...

That's right, folks. SHE is a virgin!

 

[Boxlicker101]

I read it but I didn't vote, mostly because it wouldn't have been fair, because I don't like that kind of story.

First, it is badly in need of editing. There are many misspellings and typos and other errors. Second, you describe her as being tied up in a limo and suddenly she is in some kind of dungeon, with no transition in between. You mentioned threatening her with a knife but you never described it.

It doesn't seem very realistic that a woman could have been abducted into the back seat of a limo that easily. A van, maybe, but a car has windows, unless they are somehow blacked out.

I didn't understand the man's motivation. Abduction and rape, okay, but that didn't happen, except with a dildo. Why would anybody do that?

Why would he have left her clothing on?

The dildo was impossible. Eight inches long is okay but four inches thick (not wide) is ridiculous. Four inches in circumference, which is also sometimes used to describe a cock or dildo, is rather skinny, unless you wanted skinny in order to penetrate.

 

[vierge]

Thanks for your feedback...not really sure what you were trying to say ChilledVodka...

but boxlicker..I will take what you said to heart and focus on it when writing my next story. Thank you for giving me honest criticism that I can use for my next chapter of that story.

I'll have to read over it again to answer your questions about why, but usually I just have a fantasy and it spills out some way. I guess this one was a little virginesque in it's infrastructure.