Very first try....

[Sex The Drug]

I have never taken a class, just felt like writing these words one night... Any thoughts??? I can take brutal honesty.


These are the things I think about when you lie in bed.
Wondering the thoughts running thru your head.
Am I a bad husband, or even a bad dad?
I know at times I make you angry.
And other times make you sad.

At times it seems life pushes me away.
So that is the reason I just have to say.
Say that I love you here and for today.
And hope that these days will never go away.

The good times come and with a blink they are gone.
The bad times seem well; well they seem to linger on.
But even in the bad times they have a golden hew.
For during the bad times I am spending them with you.

It can be said in words or said with a hug.
Some people even say it and give a little shrug.
But the way it feels the best is living it with you.
So in three short words I LOVE YOU.

 

[Sex The Drug]

Is it that bad? That no one can comment one way or the other?

 

[WickedEve]

My goodness, you posted this less than an hour ago. It takes time. We don't move that fast on this board. lol We are slowwww like molasses.
Now, I have to slowly read this poem and think about it before commenting.

 

[tigerjen]

One thing

its "golden HUE" not "hew"



just pointing out the spelling

tigerjen

 

[WickedEve]

Well, the poem is sweet and loving. "Hew" should be spelled Hue.
It's pretty good for a first poem. The words you chose to rhyme are rather common, but I'm sure that will change as you write more.
I look forward to reading more from you. I'm sure each new effort will be better and better.

 

[perks]

the feeling behind your poem is apparent.

I wish you painted the feeling with words that didn't come right out and say the obvious.
I think that is one of the key points of poetry, errrrrrm, my poetry at least..lol.

instead of asking if you were a bad husband... go deeper... ask if you didn't listen or something... or even ask if you weren't aware of hurtful moments filled with angst and tears.

also a poem doesn't have to rhyme...

I think something you should try to do is write... feeling imagery relating to the theme try saying things in ways you've never heard them or wrote them, and then incorporate poetic structure after.

Do a few exercises like this and see if your poetry changes, and if you like it.

The spelling mistake was unfortunate...

please try again.

also, for every person that critiques your poem in public you must critique at least two for them... it's a perkyism.

 

[JUDO]

Keep writing!

STD -

Hey! Great first attempt. Don't let the constructive criticisms get you down. They are pretty spot on, but don't worry, you're a virgin poet.

If you want to read something really horrible, read some of my early stuff. YUK! Heck, read some of my recent stuff... (but, I digress).

I hope you write more. Take that feeling of introspection you had for your lady that day and let it fly again and again. Some people actually write nothing but love poetry for one they care about and it always gets better with practice.

Since you've made your way to the poetry forum, I'd like to encourage you to stick around and feed us with more gems from time to time.

Toods.
- Judo

 

[Sex The Drug]

Thank you all. This is a learning exercise for me. The constructive criticisms are what I was looking for. How else can we get better unless we fail?

So thank you all for your thoughts and I will see what hits me down the road.

The one thing that I have already learned, well OK two things.
1st my poem does not have to rhyme.
2nd is that you people are kind to share your thoughts with me.

Again thank you and I will read your work.... And for what its worth might even make a comment or two.

 

[AngelFire04]

there are many different poems about love. If you do not mind, I will copy it down (with your name to it of course) into my collection. I collect different poems and this seems very very nice.

THank you in advance (I won't do it, till u give me an OK on that)


Angel

 

[Sex The Drug]

If you like AngelFire, and thank you for the kind words

 

[Shotokan07]

A poem is a poem, and I think you did great. There are some that writes with rhymes and they don't make sense...but then again there are some that make a poem heart-shivering in 4 lines. I hope all these criticisms from us doesn't discourage you. Sometimes, poems are destroyed by the words they use...because they are not the words that mean the feeling/expression they feel at that point of time. When you write a poem, just write the words your mind and heart speaks out, that is where style and tone of poet comes in.

Just remember this, it might help you as it did to me. A long time ago, a poet told me, "Words float around you all the time. You have these antennas in spectral realm where they capture the words around you and then lets go of them because they can never hold on to them forever. It is your job to write them down exactly you capture them, otherwise you will forget what you were feeling or thinking..."

These wordz were very powerful to me, I hope it helps you or anyone who reads this in anyway...

 

[Star At Sunrise]

I agree

I look forward to new poems from this writer, especially impressionistic ones. (he also seems like a nice guy, too.)

Rhyming can be a bit of a cage, and I'm beginning to think some readers don't like rhyming poems of any kind. Even if it's pure honesty, SOME jerk is going to think it's contrived simply because it rhymes.

But honesty has a certain sound that rings out in your head when you read some poems, and that's what I love about reading poetry. If one can bring a tear to my eye no matter how hard I try to hold it back, it's because it hits a nerve, often indirectly, and that's the beauty of poetry.

 

[Shotokan07]

I agree with Star...be yourself dude.

This is one of my recent poems... (I'm not taking the spot-light just giving an example )


Existence is futile,
Depression denounces evil as hope.
Pain tormented to boredom,
Yet, the soul cries for freedom.

A vessel created for it to experience life.
As a child of the unborn world ahead of it...
Pleasantness brings joy and greed,
yet, melancholy craves for death,
Always...

Handicapped vessel dealt with anguishment,
Physical nor Emotion afflicted.
Drifting as a young leaf,
separated from his long lost, true family...

Pain exists because of love,
Love exists because of pain.
Anhedonia lives in this fallen angel's heart...
As the mage laughs upon philosophy...
of life.

~Fallen Angel (Shot)


I wrote this when I wasn't myself....yet I was myself...I do well when I get emotional