Very first story need feedback

[Chantilyvamp]

This is my first story ever. I usually only do poetry. I had a bit of a hard time crossing over.

Any feedback would be appreciated. All I have so far is someone saying it was to short.

Author: Chantilyvamp

Story name: Giving Up Control

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=249805

I may be a bit shy but not to faint hearted so I can handle it no matter the verdict.

 

[kbate]

I'll put this into the "just misses" category.

I like the story, the story idea, and the basic form.

You have a few minor punctuation problems, some commas are missing in places where they are somewhat important. You have a couple it's its problems, which while minor are still annoying. I could live without the spelling "gawd" for a long time and not miss it.

Overall, the writing is good, although a little simplistic.

***

I would like to see more emotion from the heroine, her angst in the beginning was barely felt, her game in the club did not make me feel and the shower 'desire' was just words. All close, but not quite over the edge into forcing me to either like her, pity her, desire her, or hate her. I think those scenes could be strengthened to make the reader feel one or all of these.

***

Well done, a good first story.

 

[Chantilyvamp]

Thanks. I thought some of that might come up. I did try and use an editor but didnt get a response. I ended up just sending it to be posted before I lost the courage to submit it.

 

[CopyCarver]

I ditto kbate's assessment. It's a good effort for a first story and I'm confident you'll quickly fill in the blanks with a little more practice. Courage to submit a story is always a big positive.

For future reference, it would probably be more productive to check Lady Cibelle's lists of active editors and/or post a request in the editor's forum instead of working through the big listing on Lit's home pages--many of the people over there are MIA.