Very First story and already bad feedback?

[naughtybynature22]

Hey everyone,

My first story was posted this morning (gr8 xmas gift from literotica) and though I've only had one comment, it was attacked, someone called it a piece of crap! and that I should send it to them for xmas hehe.

Whatever that means, it got a low score already. I've had friends read it that loved it. But I do warn you, it contains vulgar language concerning raceplay. Disobeying Master is about a black sub, and her white master, and her punishment. Feel free to read it if you like and leave any comments.

Merry Xmas!

 

[TxRad]

Put a link to your story in your sig line. This bunch is notoriously lazy

 

[starrkers]

Yeah, we are!
There's just enough hassle to find a story by a new author, who doesn't have their submissions page in their profile (hint hint) that, unless the link's in the post or the posters sigline, we won't bother

Having said that, don't fret too much about one comment - there are certain gentle readers that make a habit of slamming new stories/new authors just because they can.

 

[Guest]

Here it 'tis.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=880477&page=submissions

 

[QuantumMechanic]

I wonder if its the genre. I posted a mild BDSM story recently, my first of that type on Literotica, and the very first feedback I got was name-calling by an anonymous commentor. It came as a surprise to me, because I had written the story some time ago, and posted it to another site, with only positive feedback resulting. How likely is it that someone is targeting BDSM stories for trashing purposes?

 

[starrkers]

I'd say it's highlyu likely. One of the Loving Wives or Nonconsent/Reluctance trolls may have branched out. It is the holiday season and there's more bored folk about

 

[elfin_odalisque]

naughty

Hi and welcome. It's a bit late on Xmas night for a NYT lit review, but I thought your first story was well written - a bit short so you couldn't develop characters, but a good start.

Personally, I am against the use of spellings like 'fuckkkkkkkkkkkk'. IMHO, it's better to use description to give intensity.

I can't see why you are being attacked. Your story is pretty unforgiving but there are others just as hard in BDSM. Perhaps it's a genre thing, it's also rare (but very welcome) to have an interracial story written from a black female POV.

I thought your story was good, a bit too short to let you give some characterisation and explain the relationship, but well written and intriguing.

Keep writing and let yourself explore your characters a bit - you need to tell, sorry 'show', us more.

PM if I can help.

Elle

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Here's what wrong with this story. First your choice of words and images are rather jolting. For instance:

I listen to you call me dirty names and slap me around, telling me to suck harder, and take more of you in my mouth. I start to gag even harder as I feel your cock head puncturing the back of my throat, and pre cum starts to leak down it like a nose bleed.

His cock "punctured" her throat? If that were true she would die. And the few drops of pre-cum are pouring like a bloody nose?" I don't think so. The believability of your words is hovering around zero.

Next thing that's wrong, you wrote:

The look on your face tells me I'm in for a definite punishment for disobeying you earlier today...

That's nice. What the hell did she do? Isn't that where your story should have begun? As it is, you have the thinest of reasons for torturing "her". You needed to back up and start at the beginning to make this a real story.

Later you wrote:

"Fuckkkkkkkk, Yeahhh!" "Suck my cock. Mmmmmmmmm, yeah.You like sucking Master's cock don't you my little black whore?"

Elle is right. "Fuckkkkkkk, Yeahhhh" and "Mmmmmmmmm" are simply bad form. Also the punctuation of this is entirely wrong. Why are there two sets of quotation marks? And why did you forget the comma before "my little black whore?"?

Sorry, but this isn't even a story. You didn't begin at the beginning. And you didn't tell us the ending. What you have here is most of the middle of a story. Worse, who the fuck are these people? They don't seem to be anything but Master and slave. Is that all they are? Is Master playing or simply abusing his slave? Is slave happy, content, wanting escape or...?

I don't know because you've given us nothing to identify with.

 

[Guest]

Hey everyone,

My first story was posted this morning (gr8 xmas gift from literotica) and though I've only had one comment, it was attacked, someone called it a piece of crap! and that I should send it to them for xmas hehe.

Whatever that means, it got a low score already. I've had friends read it that loved it. But I do warn you, it contains vulgar language concerning raceplay. Disobeying Master is about a black sub, and her white master, and her punishment. Feel free to read it if you like and leave any comments.

Merry Xmas!

First - congratulations on your first submission!

Secondly? You must change the POV and tense. Ouch.

A submissive, black, female reader may be able to put herself into your story and enjoy it but it will annoy and aggravate everyone else.

And present tense weakens your story. I know, it seems as if it's more arousing and the first stories I submitted here were in present tense, but generally past tense works much better.

It isn't a long piece of writing, more like a vignette really, so if you wish to make changes it wouldn't be difficult to do.

You have some delicious sexual descriptions and a solid idea for the scene, it could stand to be fleshed out a bit more, of course.

Good luck!

 

[naughtybynature22]

I wonder if its the genre. I posted a mild BDSM story recently, my first of that type on Literotica, and the very first feedback I got was name-calling by an anonymous commentor. It came as a surprise to me, because I had written the story some time ago, and posted it to another site, with only positive feedback resulting. How likely is it that someone is targeting BDSM stories for trashing purposes?

Yeah, the same thing happened to me, the person posted anonomous too and didn't have enough balls to offer me actual feedback, even if it was brutal honesty.

 

[naughtybynature22]

naughty

Hi and welcome. It's a bit late on Xmas night for a NYT lit review, but I thought your first story was well written - a bit short so you couldn't develop characters, but a good start.

Personally, I am against the use of spellings like 'fuckkkkkkkkkkkk'. IMHO, it's better to use description to give intensity.

I can't see why you are being attacked. Your story is pretty unforgiving but there are others just as hard in BDSM. Perhaps it's a genre thing, it's also rare (but very welcome) to have an interracial story written from a black female POV.

I thought your story was good, a bit too short to let you give some characterisation and explain the relationship, but well written and intriguing.

Keep writing and let yourself explore your characters a bit - you need to tell, sorry 'show', us more.

PM if I can help.

Elle

Thank you Elle, I am more into audio but I thought I'd might give it a try. I love to write, and I mainly write things specifically for sexual stimulation and release, no bs, but I understand that some people have trouble "getting into it" and I will definately work on stretching things a bit. I have a few more stories that I am tweaking right now.

 

[starrkers]

For me the main thing "wrong" with your story is the lack of emotional contact with your character.
First person stories rarely work for me. I don't like being told what I'm doing . But if you're writing in first person, particularly present tense, you need to include some thought patterns - somewhere in the story is the line: "You sense my aggression..." but nowhere do you give any indication of the "me" character's irritation/annoyance/fury/fear at her position.
We get no idea if she likes it, hates it, is a willing participant or not.
In a way it's like looking at a series of still photographs of a scene. There is no connection with it.
And the "fuckkkkkk" "yeahhhhhhh" stuff is poor form and unnecessary. You write well enough to convey the vocalisations without extra letters.

Overall, a very short vignette, not even a full scene (as Jenny Jackson said), but quite well written. I look forward to seeing your next offering.

 

[MagicFingers]

Hi, you guys are great!

I haven't been on this forum in a while, but am happy to see the cool people are still here giving loving feedback. AND, the author is listening to it!
That's gonna help everyone.

One more thing: One of the great mysteries in LIT is getting your story released at the right time. My last two were released on Monday mornings and didn't get the reads they should have. (Most reads come from the "New Stories" listings.) Yours was released Christmas morning? What kind of people are going to be reading BDSM on Christmas morning?
I have a story ready that I'm waiting until after the bowl games to release, when people are over the holidays and ready to sit and read a story.
(Hope it helps)

And, yes, it's a tough genre' to write in. People there often get flamed.

And please change the 1st person present to 2nd, 3rd, 4th, hearsay, or something else.
Good luck,
MF

 

[sr71plt]

As 1st person voice is the most intimate of the voices, I can't see how 1st person, handled properly, could be identified as a weak technique for erotica. The shortfall here, as with similar examples of 1st person fingered as bad use of voice discussed on this forum, is actually--and almost wholly--in the use of present tense--not in the voice used. If handled properly, present tense can also be a good technique for erotic--but it's hard to establish and even harder to sustain effectively and usually is only successful for short vignettes.

1st person is certainly superior in every respect to 2nd person for erotica (and for most any other form of fiction too).

 

[emap]

What he said, though I'm not so sure on the superior part.

First person is actually difficult to do well, why I work in it, though some can't stand first person. That's OK their own preference after all.

Now as what Starrkers said, yes it is annoying to be told you really enjoy anal, I don't personally, and a few other things. I avoid saying things like oh I just love that. It is better to simply set the scene and let the reader come up with their own feeling on what is happening.

So for instance you are doing a scene where 'I' gets strung up on a St. Edwards Cross. Instead of talking about how much I love being on one of these, instead talk about what the ties feel like, perhaps this one is a little tight, and move on to what he or she is doing to 'I' now that 'I' is strung up.

Just try and remember, this is a story not a movie, most want to imagine the story as they read it. If your doing a third person story then you want to describe how this one is feeling as that one is doing something to them. Third person is like watching a movie, first person is being in the movie. So of course have to remember, how often do you look down at yourself and go hmmm I have 38D breasts, a 26 waist and 36 hips? If you are going to talk about what you look like, make it third person, and let people watch a movie, if you want to get people right in there feeling and seeing as a member of the movie, you avoid talking about what 'I' looks like, and of course avoid saying I so hate this, some people do, some don't. Telling them they hate this breaks the immersion and they realize they are not in the movie they are watching a movie.

 

[naughtybynature22]

Thanks everyone. I will definately try use your advice.