Very Embaressing Question...

[Guru123]

I am a 20 yr old guy, not the most attractive guy in the world. I am still a virgin but even more embarresing is that i've never even kissed or been out with a girl. I asked a girl out a while ago and didn't go well and my confidence completely went, it was a long time ago and it feels stupid. Didn't know whether or not to tell anyone but its getting to a point where i am getting a bit worried.

Anyone have any ideas on how to get over this and ask someone out? sounds childish i know...

feel free to post some advice or PM me.

 

[eXplorer63]

I wa sin your boat until I met my girlfriend online through a mutual love of something (in our case wrestling) and all I can say is don't worry, you'll meet someone who shares similar interests to you, just don't try to force it and be yourself at all times.

 

[SweetErika]

You just have to get over it and back on the horse, I'm afraid. I think it's always important to remember there are many reasons why someone may turn you down. Perhaps the girl you mentioned didn't have the time or energy for a relationship at that point, was interested in someone else, got the wrong impression of you, or maybe there was just a lack of attraction (physical and/or mental). Her declining the date only speaks for HER; it doesn't say a thing about YOU, so it's a mistake to internalize/personalize and view it as a statement of your worth.

If you're having trouble seeing that, consider people who might ask you out. If you're straight and another man asks you out, you'd decline, right? Doing so doesn't say anything bad about him, it simply says YOU aren't interested because he's not who you're looking for. The same is true for women who you don't feel a connection with, or times you might be involved in a relationship or taking time for yourself. Should they start thinking, 'I'm not attractive and unwanted and not good enough' because you said you weren't interested in dating them? Is that what you mean for them to think when you turn them down?

The ONLY way you're going to get dates is if you put the best you (make yourself as attractive--physically and personality-wise--as possible and be exude confidence) out there physically and emotionally. You may get a lot of "NOs" but you will get some "YESses" as well. You might do best placing and responding to online personals, getting involved/to know people in communities like this, and going out and doing activities you enjoy with others.

There are tons of great threads around here on building confidence, self-esteem, being less shy, asking women out and meeting women if you do some searching Try Google, use the instructions for finding info in the "FAQs Before Posting" and look in "The Blank Manual" stickies in here; if you're having trouble, we'll help you dig them up.

 

[center_stage]

I know exactly what you mean! I didn't have my first kiss until my 18th birthday. I had absolutely no luck with guys, and I found it to be very embarassing considering that a lot of my friends were already having sex and I had yet to kiss a guy.

Like you, I never found myself attractive, but I soon realized that people do find me attractive. Even though you may not think you are good looking, you probably are. I also found that just because one person doesn't like you, it doesn't mean that nobody likes you. Hell, I was just stood up last night and I already have a new phone number.

Part of what will help you is gaining self confidence. I used to have extremely low self esteem, but once I started to gain self confidence, people (not just guys) approached me more often. I went to a therapist to help me with my problems, but you could also use your best friend or even your family.

 

[human_male]

You know what... you're in a much more common situation than you'd think. The vast majority of guys have between modest luck, and no luck at all with women. There's always one or two guys in any group, maybe about 20% of the male population that all the girls go for. Everyone else will have a much harder time of it, for most of their lives.

People say don't worry it'll happen, she's out there and blah blah blah, but it's not necessarily the case. You might get lucky and end up happily married, who knows. The main thing is don't feel like there's anything wrong with you. It's probably not you at all. It's just life.

As to what to do about it... the best thing to do is to make female friends. If a woman's assesing you as a bf, or date or whatever she'll be extremely critical, and will compare you to her previous bf, and her list of specifications that all women have. If however you just make friends she won't be judging you like that, and in time attachment and attraction might blossom. So find an interest that has some kind of social group or activity associated with it, and get involved in that.

And when you talk to women, just try to talk to them like you would another guy. Exactly like a buddy, just with less sports references and without swearing. If you have a common interest then it'll be much easier obviously.

The main thing is to make a concerted effort. You're young and you may think you have plenty of time but twenty years will zip by and you'll still be in the same situation and you'll think "oh fuck".

Good luck.

 

[The Neon Wolf]

Hail dude

Sorry to hear you struck out, look at the bright side. There are another 6 billion other women out there.

I've crashed and burned many many many...ok so I've been slapped quite a few times. Just roll with the punches as it were, looks aren't everything. I've used it to my advantage more then once (I'm a stand in for the wolfman on a bad hair day, poodle stuck in spin cycle, whatever works.) , a sense of humor, confidence, the ability to resist pepper spray...Well maybe that one isn't needed but it helps.

Just go out to whatever interests you, library, coffee houses, shows you enjoy and strike up a conversation. I won't lie to you, you will get shot down more then once, but there are girls you will click with. Here's hoping for ya.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You know what... you're in a much more common situation than you'd think. The vast majority of guys have between modest luck, and no luck at all with women. There's always one or two guys in any group, maybe about 20% of the male population that all the girls go for. Everyone else will have a much harder time of it, for most of their lives.

People say don't worry it'll happen, she's out there and blah blah blah, but it's not necessarily the case. You might get lucky and end up happily married, who knows. The main thing is don't feel like there's anything wrong with you. It's probably not you at all. It's just life.

As to what to do about it... the best thing to do is to make female friends. If a woman's assesing you as a bf, or date or whatever she'll be extremely critical, and will compare you to her previous bf, and her list of specifications that all women have. If however you just make friends she won't be judging you like that, and in time attachment and attraction might blossom. So find an interest that has some kind of social group or activity associated with it, and get involved in that.

And when you talk to women, just try to talk to them like you would another guy. Exactly like a buddy, just with less sports references and without swearing. If you have a common interest then it'll be much easier obviously.

The main thing is to make a concerted effort. You're young and you may think you have plenty of time but twenty years will zip by and you'll still be in the same situation and you'll think "oh fuck".

Good luck.

Yeah, what he said... either that to hang a sign around your neck "PITY SEX ACCEPTED"

Human, you little cuties

 

[Trombonus]

I'm right there with you man. First gf at 18, first kiss at 19, lost virginity at 20. To this day I have still not successfully asked a girl out. My prior relationships just kind of happened. You sound a lot like a good friend of mine too. He's 21 and never had a gf. Point is you're not alone. A lot of us are there too. I don't have any more advice to add that hasn't already been stated, but I wanted to share these things with you. Perhaps allow you to see that there's nothing to be ashamed of. You're not alone.

Good luck to you bud.

 

[human_male]

either that to hang a sign around your neck "PITY SEX ACCEPTED"

Human, you little cuties

Would that work with you, coz I could whip one up?

 

[sereneone4u]

I agree with the friendship aspect that human_male recommended. Someone you are attracted to physically may not always be a person you are attracted to in more important ways and someone you may not be physically attracted to straight away, may be someone later on that you find irresistable once you get to know them in the most important areas. I have dated all types of men and the main thing that has attracted me has been intelligence, kindness, honesty, sense of humour and so on....it will happen, just be yourself, there are plenty of someones for everyone.

 

[DigitalDrifter]

Just be yourself bro.

Somebody, chance's are, several somebody's, will find that attractive. Just make sure you are around somebody's to make that happen. <aka, dont' be a hermit!>

 

[The Neon Wolf]

Yep, go out and wander around aimlessly!!

Your always your own worst critic.

 

[Eilan]

I, too, was pretty much in your shoes several years ago. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 19 and I lost my virginity at 20.

One thing that I discovered many years after the fact was that there were plenty of people who were attracted to me; they were either too shy or too intimidated or too something to approach me. And even if they had expressed interest, I was so oblivious that I probably wouldn't have known it until it was too late.

 

[Hooper_X]

Anyone have any ideas...?

Yes. Put away that bottle of shimmering coral toenail polish and man-up.

 

[Llan2193]

Confidence is everything.
Everything!
I am average looking guy, does it matter? Nope. Girls like confidence.

First off, voulenteer! Picking up women at bars is very hard to build confidence. Go to your local Red Cross and tell them you want to work with them, but you want to work with people your own age. Girls and old people are the only ones who do community service. Trust me!
Now that you are in, do not try and ask them out the first day. Wait a week or two, then when you are alone with one of the girls ask them out.

How you ask them is everything.
Dos:
Look them in the eyes.
SMILE
Use specifics

Don'ts
Say umm, uhhh, maybe, sometime, something
Stare at their chest or their feet
act hurt if they say no.

So a good line would be Hey <insert their name>, I got two tickets to the baseball game on friday. Would you like to come with me?

If she says yes, you are in! Hard part is over.

If she says no, then say let me give you my number in case you change your mind or you want to go out another time.

DO NOT WORRY THAT SHE SAID NO. There are many reasons: She is legitimly busy, she already has a boyfriend, she just broke up with someone and isn't ready to date, she is gay, etc. At any rate, she is flattered that you asked her out, and will look at you diferently now. Continue to be yourself and do not give it one more thought. There is a good chance she will ask you out at a later time if her situation premits.

If she said yes, she thinks you are cute, so don't worry, she likes your personallity, so don't worry.
Be yourself on the date, look at her when you talk to her, don't force anything. Pay attention to her body language, when you two sit next to each other is she scooching closer to you are further away? Does she touch your arm when she talks or gets excited? Is she smiling, laughing at your jokes? These are all good things!

When the date is over and you've gotten all the signs, you are going to have to go for a kiss. Since you met her in a non-singles envorement, you have to make a move to confirm what she is already hoping.
Wait for the awkard pause in your goodbye speech, and then go for it. Don't get crazy and shove your tounge down her throat. A soft, lip to lip kiss, if she goes for more, follow her lead.
Then get her number and call her back, forget that "don't call on monday cause you seem desprite, blah blah blah" This isn't some bar girl you wrangled her number while she was drunk. If the date went well, she is thinking about you and is hoping you will call.
Ask her out again and go from there.

If at ANYTIME something goes wrong or she says no or she wants to go home or you made a fool of yourself and got rejected.
Forget it!
If you spilled mustard all over your shirt, joke about it, don't worry about it.
If she blows you off when you go for the kiss, do not think about it, maybe she isn't ready or she thinks her breath smells bad from the onions. Who cares. Still ask her out again. If she says no, oh well, there are other girls out there.

Just don't overthink things. Go with the flow

 

[FallenWyvern]

Confidence is everything.
Everything!
I am average looking guy, does it matter? Nope. Girls like confidence.

First off, voulenteer! Picking up women at bars is very hard to build confidence. Go to your local Red Cross and tell them you want to work with them, but you want to work with people your own age. Girls and old people are the only ones who do community service. Trust me!
Now that you are in, do not try and ask them out the first day. Wait a week or two, then when you are alone with one of the girls ask them out.

How you ask them is everything.
Dos:
Look them in the eyes.
SMILE
Use specifics

Don'ts
Say umm, uhhh, maybe, sometime, something
Stare at their chest or their feet
act hurt if they say no.

So a good line would be Hey <insert their name>, I got two tickets to the baseball game on friday. Would you like to come with me?

If she says yes, you are in! Hard part is over.

If she says no, then say let me give you my number in case you change your mind or you want to go out another time.

DO NOT WORRY THAT SHE SAID NO. There are many reasons: She is legitimly busy, she already has a boyfriend, she just broke up with someone and isn't ready to date, she is gay, etc. At any rate, she is flattered that you asked her out, and will look at you diferently now. Continue to be yourself and do not give it one more thought. There is a good chance she will ask you out at a later time if her situation premits.

If she said yes, she thinks you are cute, so don't worry, she likes your personallity, so don't worry.
Be yourself on the date, look at her when you talk to her, don't force anything. Pay attention to her body language, when you two sit next to each other is she scooching closer to you are further away? Does she touch your arm when she talks or gets excited? Is she smiling, laughing at your jokes? These are all good things!

When the date is over and you've gotten all the signs, you are going to have to go for a kiss. Since you met her in a non-singles envorement, you have to make a move to confirm what she is already hoping.
Wait for the awkard pause in your goodbye speech, and then go for it. Don't get crazy and shove your tounge down her throat. A soft, lip to lip kiss, if she goes for more, follow her lead.
Then get her number and call her back, forget that "don't call on monday cause you seem desprite, blah blah blah" This isn't some bar girl you wrangled her number while she was drunk. If the date went well, she is thinking about you and is hoping you will call.
Ask her out again and go from there.

If at ANYTIME something goes wrong or she says no or she wants to go home or you made a fool of yourself and got rejected.
Forget it!
If you spilled mustard all over your shirt, joke about it, don't worry about it.
If she blows you off when you go for the kiss, do not think about it, maybe she isn't ready or she thinks her breath smells bad from the onions. Who cares. Still ask her out again. If she says no, oh well, there are other girls out there.

Just don't overthink things. Go with the flow

Best advice I've ever heard. Too bad I had to learn this the hard way, through trial and error. TAke it and dont look back man!

 

[Guru123]

Thanks!!!

Hi everyone, i would like to thank everyone for their advice, and you are all right. I found it quite hard to write my problem on here, but after all your responses i dont know what i was worried about.

Thanks everyone!

 

[The Gimp]

I know that story as well as anybody. Although I lucked into my first kiss at 16 I didn't have my second kiss or first sex till I was 22. Didn't happen upon a second sex partner till I was 26, but around that same time I mastered the art of internet dating and I haven't been single since. Although being lonley is no fun there are two worse things: STDs and unplanned pregnancies. I promise the day will come when you'll be getting laid at will, so don't lose any sleep over it.

On a sidenote I don't have any kids but my girlfriend, who is now 30 lost her virginity in her early teens. Now she has two bad ass kids that she will be struggling with for the rest of her life (assuming they live as long as she does). You're in a hell of a lot better position than she is.

 

[Hinemoa]

A friend of mine was in the same situation and he fell in love with someone from a site he was on. He's on his way to being married and has moved country. He became more self assured talking on the net and allowed other people to see him on a deeper scale. Hey good luck

 

[PowerLifter84]

I agree with what a lot of people on here have already said, though I haven't read it all.

What women find most attractive isn't nessecarly looks (and if it is, you don't want to date these people, IMO), it is personality. With personality comes the question on if someone has a back bone (if they can take up for themselves). Always stand up for yourself and you'll be amazed at how many girls you will lure in. This is why all the assholes/dickheads/cocky SOBs get girls -- they stand up for themselves -- but they usually lack self respect.

 

[Darla_Darling]

Yes. Put away that bottle of shimmering coral toenail polish and man-up.

No, take OUT that bottle of shimmering coral toenail polish and glam-up!

...boys who wear make-up make me wet.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

But, seriously, maybe you should try some self-improvement.

a) Put all of your passions into doing something you really love. This will improve your self esteem, and make you skilled at something. As Napoleon Dynamite said (and damn it if it ain't true), "Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills." Also, desperation is a big turn-off, and is easily recognisable. If you have some other thing to get excited about that you really love doing and you throw yourself into it whole-heartedly, you won't be as obsessed with getting the opposite sex to find you attractive.

b) Don't worry so much about the looks that nature bestowed upon you. HOWEVER, a sense of personal style is important. The way a man chooses to dress, style his hair and move are very big factors in what we find attractive. There are loads and loads of really ugly guys out there with simply stunning wives/girlfriends (just look at Jason Alexander from Seinfeld, for example). Some women are really into looks, but most of us are much more interested in wit, charm and intelligence. REALLY! I'm not just saying that! It's true!

c) Be loud, be bold, be funny, make your opinions known and don't be afraid to tease or argue with women you find attractive. Personally, I find a man who will never argue with me and acts like he worships the ground I walk on to be annoying and lame. I want someone that challenges me!

d) Someone else already said this, but make friends with as many women as possible. The more women friends you have, the easier it is to meet new women.

e) Okay, last but not least, stop freaking out man! You're only twenty! One of my best friends was 22 when he first got with a lady, and now he has tons of girls after him! He's a big, hairy, overweight guy, but he's witty and charming and knows how to LISTEN. He was a late bloomer, but he's definitely done alright for himself.

 

[PowerLifter84]

If you're wondering where to help build some self-esteem, I highly recommend finding a good MMA (mixed martial arts) school and begin training. After a few months of some serious training, you will feel ten times better than you do before.