Vanilla sub?

[SubmissiveDove5]

Okay...a dom friend of mine told me that I was vanilla and looking for a dom to lead me. While this sounds accurate, and I know there are many many levels of bdsm, am I exclusively vanilla?

He determined this after reading my check list. He said that I was mainly vanilla with a slight interest in kink.

 

[Vixandra]

Don't take this too harshly, Dove, but you're still a virgin right? Try it before you figure out the specifics like kink-designations.
Not telling you to go ravish the first guy you come across (PLEASE don't do something that stupid) but try just plain sex before you bring other aspects into it.

Otherwise it would be like sending a mildly submissive male to a dominatrix for his first sexual experiance. Not a possitive thing 99% of the time, I'd think. Unless perhaps one is the domi mentioned.

Back to my point- so what if you're vanilla with a kink that's curious? Nothing wrong with that, doesn't change who you are. Just changes the current labeling system, that's all.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

Oh yeah, definitely. I don't want to jumpt into the fire without reminding myself before hand that it will burn, lol

Sometimes this stuff is so confusing though.

 

[Vixandra]

As I've said before, get your life straightened out first, then proceed onto your sex life.

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

Yup, that's what I'm doing

 

[heckle]

As I've said before, get your life straightened out first, then proceed onto your sex life.

Yup, that's what I'm doing

I sure hope that your serious about getting your issues taken care of first! The one question that I have is why someone has a "checklist" of yours if your working on getting your life together!?!

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

I sure hope that your serious about getting your issues taken care of first! The one question that I have is why someone has a "checklist" of yours if your working on getting your life together!?!

I had done the check list quite a while ago, while I was still involved with Chris. I just didn't bother to delete it, lol

 

[Richard49]

Okay...a dom friend of mine told me that I was vanilla and looking for a dom to lead me. While this sounds accurate, and I know there are many many levels of bdsm, am I exclusively vanilla?

He determined this after reading my check list. He said that I was mainly vanilla with a slight interest in kink.

This is only my preceptive
it is free advise
so you may be getting what you pay for

1) a submissive is one who gets pleasure from serving others
2) checklists are pretty worthless with newbees
3) this "dom" freind of yours may be looking at you from a pain sensualist point of view and not from a D/s postion
4) there are differences betwee top/bottoms and dominate/submissives

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

Re: Re: Vanilla sub?

This is only my preceptive
it is free advise
so you may be getting what you pay for

1) a submissive is one who gets pleasure from serving others
2) checklists are pretty worthless with newbees
3) this "dom" freind of yours may be looking at you from a pain sensualist point of view and not from a D/s postion
4) there are differences betwee top/bottoms and dominate/submissives

Thank you for the information. I appreciate it.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Vanilla sub?

This is only my preceptive
it is free advise
so you may be getting what you pay for

1) a submissive is one who gets pleasure from serving others
2) checklists are pretty worthless with newbees
3) this "dom" freind of yours may be looking at you from a pain sensualist point of view and not from a D/s postion
4) there are differences betwee top/bottoms and dominate/submissives

Your point about checklists for newbies being basically worthless... absolutely correct.

 

[Richard49]

Re: Re: Re: Vanilla sub?

Your point about checklists for newbies being basically worthless... absolutely correct.

Thank you for validation adr

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Vanilla sub?

Thank you for validation adr

well, I need to qualify this by adding that I AM after all, a bimbo.

aaaaaaaahahahhhahah

and backatcha, Richard.

 

[Technodivinitas]

I'm more than half-inclined to disagree about checklists and novices. I agree they're pointless as far as what someone has tried, but if one was to hook up with someone who was completely new to the whole BDsM concept and interested/curious, you have to admit, ours is a really complicated world, with a million little variations, to which this very board is a testimony! It'd certainly be helpful to let the experienced party know in which area of BDsM the novice has an initial interest. It also would serve to clue said novice in to just how vast and varied is what they're looking into, and to let them know that the aforementioned experienced party does care about their interests and desires, and doesn't want to take them somewhere that they don't actually want to go, or realize that they are already going...

 

[Shadowsdream]

The only reason I ever use a check list with a newbie is to show the newbie the diversity of what *could* occur.

I am more inclined *if I ever use a check list* to use it with those who are very experienced or claiming to be.

Vanilla sub? Never heard of such a thing...kinky people wishing to explore in a casual way may be what you mean as vanilla sub?

 

[Vixandra]

Not all submissives are into pain or bondage or humiliation, to name a few points, either.
BDSM is a pretty open definition, with many variants.

You could be a bottom rather then a sub, or just a kinky little 'nilla gal.
*shrugs* Nothing wrong with any of those.

 

[Technodivinitas]

You could be a bottom rather then a sub, or just a kinky little 'nilla gal.
*shrugs* Nothing wrong with any of those.

I have to hang w/Sd on this one- How exactly can one be kinky & vanilla? Isn't kink the very definition of non-vanilla, whatever that kink might be?

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

I have to hang w/Sd on this one- How exactly can one be kinky & vanilla? Isn't kink the very definition of non-vanilla, whatever that kink might be?

I'm not sure...the thought of being hand-cuffed and defenseless excites me, but being beaten, whether soft or hard, makes me want to hide. Spreader bars make me excited, but whips (of any kind) turn me off.

 

[Technodivinitas]

Oh-! I am quite certain that not getting into pain does not leave you out in the cold pale vanilla! There're lots of aspects of D/s and BD that have nothing at all to do with pain...

 

[Kajira Callista]

This is in no way meant to be rude or mean. But did you ever stop to think that you find this lifestyle fasinating purely because your vanilla fantasies have grown boring? I think you should at least try a every day "normal" nilla sexual relationship and see if thats all you were needing. That doesnt mean to go out and screw the first man you see...i dont wanna hear in a month how my advice got you knocked up or hurt or whatever. Try a boyfriend darling then let us know what you think and feel.

 

[Richard49]

The only reason I ever use a check list with a newbie is to show the newbie the diversity of what *could* occur.

I am more inclined *if I ever use a check list* to use it with those who are very experienced or claiming to be.

Vanilla sub? Never heard of such a thing...kinky people wishing to explore in a casual way may be what you mean as vanilla sub?

I see we are in the same thought pattern
but alas those that have far less experence
know better than us................. <smile>
Amazing what the internst has done

Everyone has some kink
The most nilla people I know or have meet
had some sort of kink

However kink by it's self does not make BDSM
or D/s ......................

From what she shared after you posted this about being
keep helpless does suggst she is one of us <evil grin>

 

[FungiUg]

The only reason I ever use a check list with a newbie is to show the newbie the diversity of what *could* occur.

Not so much a "check list" as a menu!

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

adr

Before I say what I'm about to say, I want to tell you that I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just stating a fact that I base my interest on.

Out of the four relationships I've had (none of them were to the point of intercourse etc), two of them were vanilla relationships. Unlike my first relationship, both relationships brought me no pleasure, no sensations, no desire for more. Now, perhaps it was just that those two guys didn't do anything for me, and if a guy comes along that is vanilla, and he sets off sparks within me, I will definitely see about persuing it. I basically will go out with any guy who asks (pathetic trait of mine).

 

[yourstruly]

Hmm....

Why engage in penis-in-vagina sexual intercourse as a prerequisite for BDSM experimentation? I'm no sexpert, but I know from my own life that the penis-in-vagina thing is not vitally important to everybody, and some people don't even like it. It is also obviously a good way to cause all kinds of sequelae like unplanned babies and STD's.

So... I'm going to respectfully disagree, at least generally. All other things being equal, I see no reason that any particular sexual act should be a prerequisite for exploring BDSM interests if you have them. But, just to be clear, the folks on this board might know you better than me, and if so, their advice is probably more valuable.

Being a virgin, aside from being slightly embarassing sometimes , is a wonderful thing, and I encourage you to stay that way as long as it suits you. Don't put your love life, or growth as a sexual human being on hold on account of that. I definitely didn't rush to lose my virginity and am very thankful, in retrospect, that I took my time about it.

Also, I think most people around here would agree that there is a difference between masochsim (by which I mean, "enjoying physical pain") and being submissive. Define yourself using such terms or don't. But don't worry about what somebody told you that you are or are not after reading some checklist. If you are new to this, then you have the rest of your life to figure out how you feel about various things, and I suggest you take your sweet time figuring out all the answers. I definitely will be taking mine.

Finally, this being the advice of a stranger on the internet, you should obviously also feel free to disregard it and make your own totally contrary choices about how you should proceed! Thanks for listening, though.

 

[Richard49]

IMHO BDSM is sex

 

[Technodivinitas]

IMHO BDSM is sex

Yes... But how do you define sex? "The penis in vagina thing", as yourstruly put it? That seems inaccurate, as vast oceans of lesbians have vast oceans of sex, entirely sans penis, and ditto, the gay-male opposite! (Gay males need a nifty word like "Lesbian"!) There are people who completely lack genital function who have their own varieties of sex, and I am constantly engaging in sex of the mind, with several people on this board not least among my partners!

So... are you saying that BDsM, with or without genital maneuvering, is in itself sex? Or conversely, that without some kind of genital interplay, it's not BDsM?