Unnatural Acts: New Story/New Author

[bluedragon]

Friends,

Just discovered the Story Feedback section.

So, I making the by now familiar request for feedback for my first submission:

Unnatural Acts / bluedragon / BDSM Section


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=46916

All interest greatly appreciated

Thanks for considering me.

Erotic smiles !

bluedragon

PS. Special thanks to Sierra for editing

 

[Ray Dario]

Okay, you asked for it

Remember that everything I say is just my opinion.

First, what I liked about your story: For an extreamly old theme you did a good job of making it interesting. The main character was well constructed and you did a pretty good job of maintaining the point of view.

What I didn't like: Several Tense shifts that were confusing, some minor other grammatical problems and a few missing words detracted from the story itself. This story could have used one more editing pass before being submitted. The other thing I didn't like was during the bear scene.

First of all Jason Identifying it as a grizzly bear. Jason was a city boy. He wouldn't have known if was a brown bear, grizzly bear, or a fucking polar bear. Okay, maybe a polar bear. I felt like you just used that because everyone is afraid of grizzlies. In Montana, there are some grizzly bears, but there are many more brown bears. Brown bears are smaller and usually a little less aggressive, but much more common.

Second, it was confusing whether or not the girl could see the bear. Sometimes it seemed like she couldn't but then in the next sentence she would identify something about the bear that she wouldn't have known without seeing it. I can't put my finger on what made it seem that way, but to me that is how it felt.

One other thing before I wrap up. Thoughts, according to most grammer guru's, are not supposed to be in quotes. I personally wish that the guru's, or whoever makes up the stupid grammer rules, would tell us just how in the hell we're supposed to make sure the reader knows it is a direct thought without resorting to the terribly boring "she thought" tag but if they have I haven't been able to find it. I just know they say not to put thoughts in quotes.

Other than these very picky things I thought your story was very interesting and well written. I hope you keep writing, I'd like to see more stories by you in the future.

Ray

 

[SexyChele]

I think Ray summed up your story quite nicely, though I will still add my .02 worth!

I liked the story - it captured my interest from the start, and kept my interest throughout. I liked the way you described things in the story, too. I especially appreciated the way you handled describing the situation from the female character's perspective while she was blindfolded. There were a few slip-ups, as noted by Ray, but overall it was well done! It's a difficult way to write knowing that your character cannot see. You handled it well.

I, too, disliked the scene with the bear. Not only did I think the same as Ray - how did the city boy know it was a grizzly - but just the scene in general. But, hey, it's just not my thing, you know?

The missing words were a distraction. As well, I think there could have been better use of commas to make the story flow even better.

But these are relatively picky things. The story is good, and I do hope you continue to contribute to Literotica!

 

[medjay]

The previous posts pretty much sum it all up. There are just a couple of little things I'd add:

1) There is a moment in the story when the woman is described as having just woken up while still tied to the tree. When did she fall asleep? How could she fall asleep under those circumstances. You need a sentence that will better convey that passage of time.

2) I'm a stickler for dialogue and there were several passages that just didn't flow very well to me. I usually tell writers to read their dialogue out loud to themselves or others to make sure it's crisp. I'm not asking for David Mamet caliber, just better rhythm.

3)You seemed to leap into the dramatic situation with little time for character development. I know sometimes we get anxious to get to the action but a little build-up never hurts.

That's it from me. I hope my comments were helpful. Good first story.

 

[jon.hayworth]

Now for my tenpence worth. -

I disagreed with Ray - I couldn't give a flying fuck wether it was more likely to be a Brown Bear, Polar Bear or a Teddy Bear, it made the guy flee, and that is all it had to do.

The missing words and tense changes were far more annoying, i agree with Medjay - read it over out loud. In her book How to Wtite a Dirty Story - Susie Bright says read it out loud into a tape recorder then play it back. This is a piece of advise I intend to follow from now on. If it does not sound right, it probably isn't right and it certainly won't scan for the reader.

Being a perverted sod I had no hang-ups about the Bear sex scene, but I can understand that some people will have problems - be aware of your reader's sensitivities, without them there is little sense in publishing.

I liked the twist - it was not the one I had been expecting.

jon

 

[bluedragon]

A Big Thanks

Finally got a chance to get online to offer a big thanks for all the feedback from

Ray Dario, SexyChele, medjay, and jon_hayworth

as well as

Quint and Tower who e-mailed me

I was pleasantly overwhelmed by all the wonderful energy you have all offered.
Though life is a bit chaotic right now and my opportunity to write is limited. I’ve begun to use you suggestions for a rewrite. I’m very impressed by the generosity and interest in encouraging creativity. I will be on the road during the next week, but hope to send personal
e-mail to each of you, individually. Reading some of your stories has inspired me to continue
to improve and explore writing.

If someone can answer a beginner's question for me, I’d appreciate it. Is it possible to substitute a revised version of a story after it has already been posted ?

Again thanks to all.

May satisfaction be yours !

Smiles !

bluedragon

 

[damppanties]

how to post the edited story

Just copying and pasting from the Lit FAQs:

- I've re-edited my story and want to replace the posted version with my new edited one. How do I do this?

Easy! Simply submit the new version as you submitted the old one, only adding the word "EDITED" to the title (ex. "My Sexy Firefighter Ch. 3 - EDITED") so that we know to replace the old text with the new text. We will then replace the original text with the new text. Your story will retain its previous voting score and views.

-DP.

 

[bluedragon]

Edited Version:Unnatural Acts

Friends,

I have just had the edited version of Unnatural Acts approved. Once again, I offer strong gratitude for all those who have given generously of their energy to inspire me to improve my writing. I was able to utilize most of the feedback and enjoyed the challenges that you have all offered me. I will definitely take the suggestion of asking for feedback before the initial posting on the piece that I am currently playing with.

It feels good to recieve such gifts from people who are interested in relating to other in such authentic ways.

All feedback is helpful and gratefully appreciated.

Hot smiles,

bluedragon

My Story's Post:

http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=46916

 

[ladyphoenix]

bluedragon,
Here's my two cents' worth, and keep in mind I do my reply before reading anyone else's (so not to be influenced before I go in to the reading) so if I repeat what someone else has said, forgive me).

First, you may wish to review your use of commas. Honesty, I probably use more compound sentences than anyone around, but you truly overuse them, and generally in short sentences. For example:

"A week ago, it had seemed absurd, when her sweetheart...." would read better as, "A week ago it had seemed absurd when her sweetheart suggested..."

"But, she wasn't about to give him..." (paragr. 3) eliminate that comma.

"You're the one, who is beautiful." no comma needed again.

This goes on throughout the story.


Next, stories are always more interesting and move better in an active voice. Your opening paragraph: "The sun streamed through the branches..." might better read, "The sun was streaming through the branches..."

"They now stood upon the ridge..." or, "They were standing on the ridge..."

"She felt Jasper's hands reach around her and slowly began to unbutton her wool shirt. He pulled the shirt open, grabbed the collar and pulled it down her body and twisted it around her wrists..." Or, "She felt Jasper's hands reaching around her, slowly unbuttoning her wool shirt. Pulling the shirt open, he grabbed the collar, pulling it down her body and twisting it around her wrists." (also here, he 'pushes her forward against a tree', but at what point did she stand up. She was "laying down beside him").
Again, this passive voice continues through the story more often than not.

After the bear, and once the newcomer appears, at one point "Her knees buckled and she collapsed to the ground". I thought she was tied up?

Overall, I liked the story, but was constantly irritated by the unnecessary use of commas. A comma makes the reader take a pause , and their use in your story had me pausing constantly. Eliminating a great many of them would have made the reading faster paced, and moved the reader along better.
I'm sure someone has already said this, but a proof reader/editor could really be useful here.
Overall, nice effort!

 

[sweetaspeaches]

Bluedragon,

I remember when this story was first written and read to me over the phone as a birthday present. I loved it then and I love it now. You have quite a way with words (not to mention with other things as well, *wink*). I hope that you continue to let your creative juices flow and that you put to words another story or two.

Peaches..........