Chasing Paradise

[BlueSeagull]

Hi there! I'm posing in hope of getting some feedback for the start of a new story I'm posting to the non-consensent/reluctant section.

The theme of the piece is that it will be multiple chapters (Clocking in a 3,000-4,000 words each) all about women in a society where those who are not gainfully employed, married, or "kept" by rich relatives are enslaved at 18, and sold to the highest bidder. Anyone familiar with the works of Erenisch then this is set in that world (the author has okayed me using the setting). Specifically in Chasing Paradise women who are due to be enslaved may volunteer to be shipped to an island for the rich to hunt....evade the hunters and they win their freedom.

https://literotica.com/s/chasing-paradise-ch-01
https://literotica.com/s/chasing-paradise-ch-02

I'd be appreciative of any feedback on the first two chapters as I'm currently doing a third pass on chapter 3, and a first pass on chapter 5. There is a general arc to the piece sorted for several of the characters, and an ending but I am open to altering them. I have previously written content for the Erenisch forums but it will likely stay there...I'd be too tempted to rewrite the whole thing if I posted it here!

Thanks for your time

 

[AlinaX]

It's okay, I suppose, barring some minor grammar issues. It is, however, set in a world full of assholes who need to die, so that makes it decidedly unerotic.

 

[BlueSeagull]

It's okay, I suppose, barring some minor grammar issues. It is, however, set in a world full of assholes who need to die, so that makes it decidedly unerotic.

I can appreciate the point of view. The entire world, as presented, is a dystopia and many of the stories there do contain horror elements. Even amongst the Erenisch fanbase there'e a mass consensus that no one would realistically ever want to live there. Either the concept appeals on some level or it does not, but thanks for reading.

 

[Comentarista82]

You set the extreme dystopian stage well, with the foreshadowing of the hunt by using the reds and black (death) in the room. This story highlights the worst possible outcome, where the women are treated horribly and the one female bar owner (IIRC) is worse than the men in the room. This will appeal to few readers by the setting, as it employs all the worst words females find most offensive. I'm sure some will object solely on the basis "it's the patriarchy gone mad!!!" That's in spite of any warning (like the one above) you might put with at the beginning. The story oddly intersperses lots of irony: the title...no one would consider hunting down women "paradise" or treating them like extreme slaves unless you're just that misogynistic; females can't "learn" (improve) when they're constantly battered mentally and physically; they're not going to manifest more "fire" when all it would serve to do is get them killed faster (even willingly subject themselves to implied BDSM as punishment for doing nothing wrong).

This alludes to a possible outcomes akin to the Hunger Games or The Running Man, which will evoke images of very few reaching success, and the hunts involving at least relatively advanced and bloody in weaponry and execution. I suppose you might get a few readers willing to brave the extreme reading environment in hopes someone might escape, but in the case of The Running Man, Richards exposed no one "won" and no one would have ever--until he of course revealed the entire scheme for what it was--ratings and money at the expense of human and unique, individual lives. Readers familiar with The Hunger Games will expect very few to live but then hope they survive to not only form a rebellion--but also live to overthrow and destroy the entire system, thus restoring a more reasonable society. Probably the most extreme allusion I can imagine would be to when the Pegasus (Admiral Cain) captured a "6" and tortured that one model brutally--letting soldiers rape, beat and do everything barbaric to her imaginable--because she "was just a frakkin' 'toaster.'" Once Baltar helped partly heal her very damaged psyche, she laid low until she assassinated Cain and later unleashed all kinds of hell on people in the Galactica fleet that had no hand in hurting her.

Ch 1 gives us no indication salvation is possible, and really no possible character interested in liberating the females nor destroying this system. Some authors put little warnings at the start or even hint at the end of one chapter as to what's coming next. It's not terribly common, but perhaps you should consider that. Otherwise, it feels like this could quickly paint the story into a corner and it will definitely appeal only to possible readers with the most hardened and extreme tastes.

 

[Comentarista82]

As for Ch 2, some items allude to possible rays of hope: I would predict (if I had to) that Saffi Patel will play the heroine, as she's noticing everything about the hotel, from the colors to the art and designs. She also notes the "irony" of the aforementioned to further "condition" female psyches--but she is not currently "broken"--she merely knows when to "shut down and take it." Generally speaking, "Patel" is the Indian surname that represents most of the Indian professionals (and more elite class), like doctors, lawyers, dentists, etc. We see Pippi McArdle, whom while biting off Saffi's head at greeting her, possesses an Irish surname which hints at one of the most dedicated (and willing to be ruthless) fighters in human history; the story also presents Freya, who is most definitely Nordic in original and some might connect to Thor's mother (at least from the Marvel movie) who is considered to be extremely wise, perceptive...and by her origin, fight like those kinds of Vikings and suggest a bridled kind of ruthlessness and brutality wielded for the right reasons.

The irony rears its head once more, where Saffi notes the drab colors, yet considers it "sumptuous." I really shook my head at that, as nothing could be "sumptuous about thinly-veiled brutality in every conceived way.

The story could employ the man reading off the text in monotone to symbolize how complacent (and perhaps rotting) the current structure/system is. Patel hints at possible vestiges of "civilization," so there exists some sliver of hope some reasonable society could be recreated.

I don't see anything detracting from the reading flow (like run-ons, comma splices, poor grammar), so...at least structurally there's nothing to trip up the reader any more than what elements exist in the story as parts of this dystopian world.

 

[BlueSeagull]

Thanks for the reply and the analysis, Comentarista, much appreciated. Very much take on board your comments about the dystopia being a little too overbearing for some, and potentially only appealing to those with hardened or extreme tastes and it's something I want to take on board.

Without wishing to give away too much of what's coming while the story will remain (largely) non-consensual it's right that I should make it clear that nothing will ever go beyond the bounds of what could be done inside your average BDSM club.

So I can assure any reader that while there will be restraint, non-censensual sex, pain will be inflicted in a sexual context (flogging, slapping, choking etc.) that is the limit of where I intend to go. Might the dystopian themes make this feel more hopeless? Probably. At the end of the day this is a story about the unwilling enslavement of women who want nothing more than to be free, but are instead destined to be used as sexual playthings.

You make a point about external civilisation and hope for eventual change, and I leave those things to the person who created the universe, Erenisch. There is a long-running thread in their work about the activites of the Female Liberation Front (FLF/Fluffers), and the fact the government is hiding their involvement in a terrorism campaign against the regime that recently saw a good number of people involved in state control "removed from the equation". While part of that may come up (as one intended character is a woman who is a retired former slave-cop) the main focus is going to be on the consequence free life of the rich in this corrupt society, and how the odds are stacked against those from less well off backgrounds.

 

[AlinaX]

I find that non-consensual works best when it's clear that the victims are sexually aroused - whether they want to be or not. Also, dystopian fiction works best when the story follows the victims; in true form, you can stamp out all hope once you reach the end, but to snatch it away at the beginning leaves nowhere for the story to go.

 

[BlueSeagull]

I find that non-consensual works best when it's clear that the victims are sexually aroused - whether they want to be or not. Also, dystopian fiction works best when the story follows the victims; in true form, you can stamp out all hope once you reach the end, but to snatch it away at the beginning leaves nowhere for the story to go.

There will definitely be some non-consent where the women are aroused and enjoying it against their wishes. Personally I think there should be a mix, all the way from being terrified and struggling to barely a hint of opposition...so...yeah, that's something that's already been addressed (just not published).

As for stamping out all hope...I hadn't intended that. I had intended things to be...bleak, but for each woman in the competition to be convinced that they at least had a chance of freedom (They will be meeting one woman who won not just once but twice in the near future, and Chapter 3 features one woman who's been training a long time for this). I might try to play on that hope a little more now...the game will still be unfair, but I don't want to make the whole thing look pre-determined. Very definitely taking that note on board thanks!

 

[Comentarista82]

Thanks for the reply and the analysis, Comentarista, much appreciated. Very much take on board your comments about the dystopia being a little too overbearing for some, and potentially only appealing to those with hardened or extreme tastes and it's something I want to take on board.

Without wishing to give away too much of what's coming while the story will remain (largely) non-consensual it's right that I should make it clear that nothing will ever go beyond the bounds of what could be done inside your average BDSM club.

So I can assure any reader that while there will be restraint, non-censensual sex, pain will be inflicted in a sexual context (flogging, slapping, choking etc.) that is the limit of where I intend to go. Might the dystopian themes make this feel more hopeless? Probably. At the end of the day this is a story about the unwilling enslavement of women who want nothing more than to be free, but are instead destined to be used as sexual playthings.

You make a point about external civilisation and hope for eventual change, and I leave those things to the person who created the universe, Erenisch. There is a long-running thread in their work about the activites of the Female Liberation Front (FLF/Fluffers), and the fact the government is hiding their involvement in a terrorism campaign against the regime that recently saw a good number of people involved in state control "removed from the equation". While part of that may come up (as one intended character is a woman who is a retired former slave-cop) the main focus is going to be on the consequence free life of the rich in this corrupt society, and how the odds are stacked against those from less well off backgrounds.

You're welcome. I thought I'd look for someone actively seeking feedback, as curiously...there may be authors that post a story outside the forum that do **not** want feedback. You use what you find helpful and what you think suits your story, as I've gotten to know several authors off-site and sometimes they'll use some portion of what I might have suggested. Usually I just review to serve as a counterpoint to the anons that either 1) bash for no concrete reason 2) a user leaves perhaps slightly justified negative or positive feedback, but it's more "I like"/"dislike" wihout specification 3) to provide as much of an unbiased review as I can. And if I know I'm going to hate the story because of the subject matter, I won't read it nor comment if I know I can't be objective.

Best wishes on composing remaining chapters and on the reception you hope it garners.