Unknown writer in desperate need of some feedback

[Auden James]

Hey all of you erotic fiction lovers,

I'm new to Lit and you probably don't ever heard or read of me. But that's about to change, I hope.

I've just submitted my first erotic story which is also participating in the Summer Lovin' contest.
It's titled "Awakening" and I put hard work into it which is why I would greatly appreciate any kind of feedback.

Title: -- Awakening [Erotic Couplings] --
(http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=438770)

It focuses on two students, male and female, from Berlin (Germany) that awake in a summer morning after their first night together that was not quite what you think a first night would have been like in that case. They struggle about their inner feelings and emotions, explore sensuality and take steps into a direction that will change everything for both of them. . .

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Besides already a month ago I've posted a short essay that has gotten no feedback since which I attempt to change now.

Title: -- Eros: The Heart of Sensuality [Reviews and Essays] --
(http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=436165)

It's a brief look at our conception of love over the course of time and how morality has taken hold onto it.

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I would be grateful if you would read some of my writing and comment or mail me your opinion about it. Maybe you'll even like it a bit. . .
Anyway, afterwards I'll take a look at yours, too, for sure.

Best regards

Auden James

 

[lance gt]

Wow. first off, you have a tendancy to be very expressive with your words. Your use of descriptive wording is far too literary for the vast majority of readers. So my first suggestion would be to tone down the wording to a much more common use of language. Readers are looking to get off to it and not have to decipher through the structure to know when they're having sex. Erotica is a difficult thing to write, even in the simplest terms. Concentrate more on detailing the interaction of your characters and not on their thoughts. There is a distinct lack of conversation between them that leaves a reader wondering who is thinking or saying what. I was feeling lost after the first page and that is bad. The story keeps transcending back and forth and left me wondering what it was about. I had no clear understanding of who Jasmine and Cristoph are and what they are doing together. You detailed things like the colours and shapes of things far too much and the radio part wasn't necessary. There is a lack of proper punctuation, commas and such, that detracts from the flow. Now with all the nastiness of criticism out of the way, for me any way, I think you have a good talent for writing. You seem to know how to plot out a story and take it to where you want it to go. Details are good for a reader to know, just make sure they aren't over the top and focus on what is necessary. The important things for a good story are a place to begin, character development and interaction, good conversation, detail the sexual act without using clinical or too vulgar expressions, a plot that flows consistently, and an ending that has finality to it. If it was a continuing story, make sure it has a good cliff hanger ending to leave the reader wanting to come back and see more. I hope that helps put you on track with it a bit better. Again, a good overall effort for your first attempt. Go to the members section and read some of the threads concerning the things I mentioned and ask around for an editor to put it all together and proofread it before you submit. We all make mistakes when writing and it reads back just the way we wrote it when proofing it, mistakes and all. Hope this is a good start for you.
Lance