unfulfilled

[The_Strange69]

I haven't read all of the replies in this thread, but after seeing the first reply you got, I had to open my big mouth.

If you have needs that your partner will not fulfill, and they are so important to you that they are worth more than the relationship, break up with the guy. You will not do yourself or him any good by stepping out on him.

The type of attention you are seeking will not be easy to hide. He will noticed welts from spankings, rope burns on wrists and ankles etc., and the hiding of it will cause more anguish than not getting your needs met would have.

It's just better that way for everyone.


BUT!!!

I would just be bluntly honest with the guy first. Tell him exactly what you want and need, and inform him of how important it is to you that you receive it. Give him a real shot to make you happy. If he is unwilling, and you just can't live without it, then it's time to break up.

Those are my two cents.

 

[silkNstilletos]

I've been in this relationship for almost 7 years. Its been no secret the whole time that I am into bdsm, and what not. I've asked, I've begged, I've attempted to instigate. He is a lot older than me. Our libidos are very out of wack and by out of wack i mean I want it every day and he would be fine with once a fortnight. I love him. But I'm starting to think about looking else where and finding it very hard to deflect attention I'm getting from others.

How can I fix us? Can I fix us? or is it time for me to leave?

I know the feeling. I am in a similar situation. My husband claims to love me and yet refuses to have a physical relationship with me at all. It has been several years since we have had any sex. He tells me he loves me but he would rather lose me to another man then have sex with me. I want a physical relationship but I want to keep my marriage.

 

[viciousred]

Thank you to everyone that has offered constructive advice and sent PMS. I've got some big decisions to make in the coming months and you've all certainly given me a lot to think about. I'm hoping once we are past a few stressful upcoming events I can bring up this subject with him once more, and for the final time.

As for why I have stayed this long, he has been all I have known and had for 7 years. He has stuck by me threw some pretty traumatic things. I owe him my life.
And I worry about ever finding this kind of friendship and relationship ever again. No body likes damaged goods.

 

[SeraphinaCD]

Thank you to everyone that has offered constructive advice and sent PMS. I've got some big decisions to make in the coming months and you've all certainly given me a lot to think about. I'm hoping once we are past a few stressful upcoming events I can bring up this subject with him once more, and for the final time.

As for why I have stayed this long, he has been all I have known and had for 7 years. He has stuck by me threw some pretty traumatic things. I owe him my life.
And I worry about ever finding this kind of friendship and relationship ever again. No body likes damaged goods.

I don't think anyone would suggest making such a decision lightly, or not giving this fellow the option to change his ways to save the relationship, but, if he chooses not to, just know you have the "nuclear option" of ending it and moving on without him - that would be his action, not yours. If he knows how important this is to you, and still fails to act on it, that in itself tells you he is not willing to change his life for your needs - is it then fair for you to change your needs to fit his lifestyle? Certainly not.

And please, do not sell yourself short. All of us have baggage from previous relationships, all of us "owe" certain aspects of our lives to people in our past, all of us have made, cherished, and lost, friendships and lovers; it's all part of being human. And everybody out there, from the loftiest politician to the lowest guy out there sitting in a basement collecting comic books and watching porn all day, has thought the same things you are - "Will I ever be able to have a relationship like that again?" You'll never know until you try.

The relationship you're in obviously isn't ideal or you wouldn't have posted here. Granted, there are aspects of it you're obviously very fond of and are waxing nostalgic about, which is completely understandable. With seven years of life invested in someone, it's hard to just walk away, but dear lady, it becomes much harder when it's been ten years, or fifteen, or twenty, and your options lessen with each passing year.

What you alone must sit in a comfy chair and ponder is simple and sobering. If your partner doesn't wish to change, I strongly suggest shutting yourself away in a quiet room for a while and ponder your life as though you've already lived it - you're not the beautiful young lady you are now, you're a sixty or seventy-year-old lady, sitting in a chair looking back at the years you now cannot get back. Would she be filled with regret, wondering what might have been? Would she be satisfied that adjusting her life had been enough to make her happy in her old age? Would she wish more than anything in the world she could go back in time and change course before it had become too late? I have had to do that myself, and it is a sobering thing to do.

I used to do a lot of volunteer work with WWII veterans, most of whom have now passed, but I cannot tell you how many times - almost invariably - each one of them would tell me about something in their lives they would give anything to be able to change. None of those things were sexual in nature, obviously, but their words caused me to look at pretty much everything I do with a different perspective than I had when I was younger. We only have one shot at this, and when we're old and gray, all we have are fond memories and sorrowful regrets - the trick is to make certain the fond memories are paramount, and to minimize the number of regrets and the "what ifs?"

Good luck dear lady, and by no stretch of the imagination should you ever consider yourself "damaged goods" - there's not a person walking the earth that isn't damaged in a multitude of ways - some people are just better at hiding it.

 

[moonbeam17]

Thank you to everyone that has offered constructive advice and sent PMS. I've got some big decisions to make in the coming months and you've all certainly given me a lot to think about. I'm hoping once we are past a few stressful upcoming events I can bring up this subject with him once more, and for the final time.

As for why I have stayed this long, he has been all I have known and had for 7 years. He has stuck by me threw some pretty traumatic things. I owe him my life.
And I worry about ever finding this kind of friendship and relationship ever again. No body likes damaged goods.

For one, you sort of don't want to find a relationship like this again in that you'd be right where you are now, stuck with the feeling of not being accepted. To think you might not find someone to accept you is more despair then anything of substance. All around you, you'll find people to accept you and your various kinks in as much as you'll find people who can't or won't acknowledge these things as being important to you.

I've met very few actually broken people. Most are just used or worn down in ways that make some things a bit more difficult or just require a bit of understanding to fit into another's life. That's pretty normal really. We all have to adjust to another in our life and in trying to figure out how we might work together from that point, moving forwards.

As for waiting for things to settle down, unfortunately, there never is or will ever be a good time to have as important a talk as this with someone. The more you wait, the harder you'll make it for yourself to finally pull that trigger as you'll constantly be thinking on whether or not that day is the best day to finally come out of the closet, as it were.

Just pick a day when you feel most sure in your course and go for it. That'd really be the best day to do it and remember that you're not as damaged as you think. Some time to yourself or around different people might help to highlight that.

Another thing to think about being in someone's debt is to remember that they do those things to help you be a better, happier self. There's only so much someone can do to help you along and sometimes, there's only so much they themselves are willing to do. A good way to repay that kindness is to be as compassionate and thoughtful as possible when explaining your situation and in moving away from them if it happens that way.

You should be happy and ideally, you should be happy with someone that's helped you to find this part of yourself. Ideally doesn't always happen though and you'll want to accept that as a possibility first, before heading along this path.

Good luck though

 

[desertslave]

Do the pros of the relationship, outweigh the cons? If they do; stay. If they don't; move on.

This, very much so.

I'm married to an older man, and our libidos, energy levels and other things are sometimes mismatched (and almost equally in either of our favors, depending on the day). There are average ups and downs to every relationship.

However, if you're genuinely feeling as though you are much more on the lacking side than the benefits side, it might truly be time to reevaluate your situation. Even in a D/s relationship, there needs to be some equivalence, if not particularly equality. In a longer relationship, as CutieMouse so succinctly phrased it, are there enough positives to make you willing to stay? If not, 7 years is plenty of time to have given it a fair shake.

 

[cookiecat]

I'm coming to the original post a few days late but I'm wondering if sex / bdsm is the deal breaker?

Is the relationship itself: the day to day grind, hanging out, going to the grocery store, snuggling on the couch watching tv ---- the stuff that makes up 97% of your actual life together - is that worth saving?

I get that it's a drag without sex, love, kink and all that good, gooey stuff. And yet, there's so much more to a relationship, right?

Is there a possibility of an open relationship? Stay with the guy you've built a life with and find sexual release without him?

Or are you interested in building a whole new life without him?

 

[girl_of_gor]

I have never posted here before, I came to this forum simply to see if there was any threads recommending good bdsm stories. Seriously why is there no such thread?

However I find myself in a similar position as the OP. I was until quite recently in a 7 year relationship. Honestly he was the nicest, gawd just probably the best man any woman could hope to be with. He was my best friend and I was happy for a long time. When we met I was very innocent, I had had few sexual experiences, none of which were particularly satisfying. I had bdsm fantasies but I denied them, I thought they were wrong. So I didn't tell him what I was into for a long time, not until I started to realise that there was nothing wrong with them. I started to crave such experiences but he never seemed too into it, not that he didnt try. Around this time we were also having other relationship problems which I think we could have got over, in the end I admit I did end it because of the sex.

I jumped into a relationship with someone else actually, he was lovely, sweet and loving and my gawd so sexy, never have I had sex like it. And I loved him, or I thought I did but I came to realise that the way he wanted to live his every day life wasnt the way I wanted to. And I started to realise how perfect the relationship with my ex was. I regretted leaving him. Now I am seriously considering getting back together with him but the sex issue does worry me. Especially after finally experiencing sex like that, I wonder could I really do without it? I don't know.