Unfinished story, asking for feedback

[Beyerrkluva]

Hi. I just wanted to present my first story and ask for some feedback. I'm aware it's not as well written as it could be, but I blame that on English not being my first language.

Anyway this is it:
http://geocities.com/beyerrkluva/fantasy-poster.htm

I'll put it here once it's finished. I just wanted to see what people think of it first.

 

[Guest]

The woman who's second from left has six toes.

 

[Beyerrkluva]

Hm, I count ten.

 

[Hotcappucino]

Your use of the English language, though not perfect, is fairly impressive for a non-native speaker. I suggest having an editor proofread your final story before submitting.

The plot was interesting, though far-fetched. Hard to imagine two sixteen-year-olds, much less adults, creating such a device. In the cellar of one of their homes? Just trying to imagine the materials involved, the labor, the amount of power that such a device would have to draw. Yes, I know it's a fantasy, but, in my opinion, the best fantasy's are those that seem the most plausible.

Which brings me to an important restriction regarding Literotica: they won't allow the posting of any stories with sexual acts involving minors (people under 18 years old). So you'll need to change the age if you want to post here. Maybe make them college students working in quantum physics.

Look also at developing your characters a little bit more at the beginning. For example, I'd like to know a bit more about their personalities before the story moves too far.

Hope that helps.

 

[Beyerrkluva]

The plot was interesting, though far-fetched. Hard to imagine two sixteen-year-olds, much less adults, creating such a device. In the cellar of one of their homes? Just trying to imagine the materials involved, the labor, the amount of power that such a device would have to draw. Yes, I know it's a fantasy, but, in my opinion, the best fantasy's are those that seem the most plausible.

I'm aware the story is a bit far-fetched. But I think that's the whole point of writing a fantasy. You don't have to worry about those details you mentioned. I'm sure it's impossible to create such a device period. If that bothered me I wouldn't have written the story at all.

Which brings me to an important restriction regarding Literotica: they won't allow the posting of any stories with sexual acts involving minors (people under 18 years old). So you'll need to change the age if you want to post here. Maybe make them college students working in quantum physics.

I'll look into that.

Look also at developing your characters a little bit more at the beginning. For example, I'd like to know a bit more about their personalities before the story moves too far.

I just didn't want the story to get too long

Hope that helps.

Sure does. Thanks for the feedback!