Uncovering a spy

[Black Tulip]

Hello everybody,

Can you tell my fingers are shaking? I just got my first story accepted. Boy am I excited!
No! Not that kind of excited, just keep your hands above the table.

I stumbled onto Literotica by accident. Looking for tips to get rid of my writers block, while working on a science-fantasy story. Still not finished, because Literotica got me hooked in no time. First reading and last week I dived into the writing as well.

I picked a piece from my original writing where I got stuck. My character refused to do anything not connected with sex. So I finally gave in.

Uncovering a spy
The amazon in question is trying to stay in the shadows while keeping an eye on a camp full of soldiers. But as it says: she gets uncovered.

Please let me know if it's fun/exciting to read. Tell me why or tell me how to improve myself. My english is likely not quit what it should be, since it's not my own language.



Black Tulip

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Tulip--

The link didn't work for me.

try this: go to the page where your story is, then right click on the URL as shown by your browser. Select "copy" then come back to your reply page and paste the link. That usually works.

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Lime, that link didn;t work for me either.

Here's my attempt:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=112232

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[Black Tulip]

Dr. M and Lime

How nice of you to try and solve my problem.
Here's my attempt.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=112232



Black Tulip

 

[eyefish]

Thanks dr. I perpetually have problems pasting in links. I copy the address and use the insert hyperlink feature on the post reply page, but more often than not, it does not work. Is something additional required?

Getting off topic, but would appreciate the help,
Lime

Instead of using the "insert hyperlink" feature, do this:
1. Copy/paste the link into the "reply to topic" or "new message" window
2. Select "Automatically parse URLs"
3. Click "Submit Reply"
https://forum.literotica.com/member.php?s=&action=getinfo&userid=69260

 

[sanchopanza]

a bit too short for my tastes. "She shook her head at herself. Thoughts like that were close to incestuous. The man was young enough to be her son!" my personal preference is to never say anything like that explicitly - just intimate it in passing, our filthy minds will pick up on it, even mainstream literature has made many passing glances at incest, even James Joyce did it! as for the story it is a little confusing - i say pad it out with some more narrative, maybe more internal monologue from the central character. as it stands it is okay but not to my tastes, it is more of an anecdote than a story - i just like big stories really.

 

[Black Tulip]

First of all: thank you to everybody who took the trouble of responding here, or through email.

Hopefully I was able to improve the story by taking all the good advice to heart. I submitted the revised edition today.

However, those of you who thought it was too short: sorry, making it longer makes it booorrrring.

But, there's hope: a chapter two is nearly finished.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I finally followed the link and read the story, and I was pretty impressed. Considering the fact that English is apparently not your native language, the grammar and language were very good, although I did notice a tendency to use a lot of sentences of the structure "Doing such-and-such, she did so-and-so." I've noticed a lot of this in stores lately, so maybe it's just that I'm overly sensitive to it. In any case, it's not a real problem here, but you should be aware of it, and aware of the fact that in that kind of sentence, you have to set the first part off from the rest with a comma.

One thing that confused me: "Once under the cover of a few giant bushes behind her, she figured she could safely stand erect. So, very carefully she inched herself in that direction, still on her stomach." Apparently she decided she could stand erect but she still kept on her stomach? Probably a glitch.

I suspect that when people complain about the length of the story, what they really mean is that the story stops just when it's getting interesting. It really reads like an introductory chapter to a longer work, especially when you give us that long and somewhat confused thing at the beginning about sending someone into the camp as bait (her neice? And what ever happens to her?). Obviously you find Dyna's capture and exposure to be the real erotic core of the story, apparently even more sexy that what's going to happen when Wolf gets back, but I think most readers are going to look at that as just foreplay, and then wonder where the real action is. The climax of the story obviously comes when Wolf comes back, and you cheat us out of that. So in that regard, this isn't a complete story. It's a set-up.

I thought there was too much of her protesting her age, and I couldn't understand why you kept harping on this subject. In a situation like this, a man captures a woman and he's going to decide for himself in three seconds whteher he's interested in sex with her. If she's reasonably shapely and comely, which I think Dyna is, he's not going to give much of a damn what she says her age is. She's probably going to lie anyhow.

Now, the main problem with the story in my opinion is not that easy to put my finger on, but it's something you see in a lot of adventure writing, and that's the mixing of action with distraction. For action fiction to work, the action has to stand out. You have a lot of places where she thinks something to herself, remembers something, reflects on something, worries about something, and it dilutes the action of the story. I think what's key in a story like this is to describe what she's feeling and thinking through her actions, so we don't have to keep going into her head.

Instead of your telling us that Wolf is bigger than most men she's seen, you could show us that by describing how he towers over her. Instead of your telling us that she's scared or worried, you could show it in the way her eyes dart around nervously or she licks her dry lips. You can show a lot of what people are doing through observable action. Save the internal thoughts for when there's no way to avoid them. This will give the story a much more action-driven feel.

I also think you could use more concrete sensual detail. Again, this is a matter of showing us things rather than telling us the story: the way the whip cuts into her wrists, the dark eyes staring at her from around the fire, things that make the scenes more vivid.

Her surrender to her own lust doesn;t ring true to me either. Considering the danger she knows she's in and the fear she must be under, I just can't buy that a few strokes and she's ready to screw. If she's a warrior she'd have a lot more self-discipline than that. There's nothing wrong with having her body betray her and react to Wolf's caresses, but I'm sure she'd be fighting it on the inside, cursing her own weakness.

---dr.M.

 

[Black Tulip]

Jeez, now he tells me!

Just kidding. Thanks for the very elaborate comment.
At least you seem to have finished the story.

 

[Black Tulip]

The revision of my story is accepted.

And I'm happy to say: I just finished a sequel.

I'll let you know when it's out, or in.