Unconditional love

[FurryFury]

I agree with you, I don't actually expect my kids to take care of me later either. That's not part of my agenda at all and they know it.

Part of being a parent though is to make judgments and make them very clear. This is wrong. This is right. I expect THIS.

I'm not sure I could love a child that killed another of my children or their dad or that sexually abused them. I do make those judgments. I'd have to cross that bridge to know for sure but yeah, that a def possibility there.

I think if you can't imagine any situation in which your love would be cut off from a person based on their actions, then something is likely wrong with the relationship. I want a healthy relationship with people. That means, yes, there are judgments, limits and rules, damned right there are.

Of course others are free to live anyway they do, want or desire to even if I think it's probably not so healthy. It's not my life after all.

 

[Homburg]

I agree that we can't know until we know. I pray we never do. I always think of the worst. It makes life mostly turn out to be a happy surprise.

*chuckles*

*nod*

Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Another thing I learned from watching my mother and deciding not to be like her. Mom planned for the worst, that was it. I always suspected she was vaguely dissatisfied if it did not come to pass.

And it sounds like I'm being harsh on my mom. I'm not. I love and respect and think she did an awesome job of being a mother .I just recognise that some of the most important lessons she taught me were ones she did not intend to teach.

 

[FurryFury]

*nod*

Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Another thing I learned from watching my mother and deciding not to be like her. Mom planned for the worst, that was it. I always suspected she was vaguely dissatisfied if it did not come to pass.

And it sounds like I'm being harsh on my mom. I'm not. I love and respect and think she did an awesome job of being a mother .I just recognise that some of the most important lessons she taught me were ones she did not intend to teach.

Isn't that the way it goes!

*chuckles*

I am never dissatisfied vaguely or otherwise when the worst doesn't happen, I'm fucking thrilled! So maybe I vary from your mom in that way.

I must say when I see people saying they will love unconditionally and forgive anything I start having words like dysfunctional, denial and co-dependent crash around in my brain.

Each to their own. I have my own life to live my way. I'm hoping it's far healthier than the way I was raised and some of the things I've let into my life in the past.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I agree with you, I don't actually expect my kids to take care of me later either. That's not part of my agenda at all and they know it.

Part of being a parent though is to make judgments and make them very clear. This is wrong. This is right. I expect THIS.

I'm not sure I could love a child that killed another of my children or their dad or that sexually abused them. I do make those judgments. I'd have to cross that bridge to know for sure but yeah, that a def possibility there.

I think if you can't imagine any situation in which your love would be cut off from a person based on their actions, then something is likely wrong with the relationship. I want a healthy relationship with people. That means, yes, there are judgments, limits and rules, damned right there are.

Of course others are free to live anyway they do, want or desire to even if I think it's probably not so healthy. It's not my life after all.

Yes, but what you aren't understanding is the difference between love and judgement...they are not necessarily tied to each other or unhealthy when you can still love your child even though you do not condone their choices. For one thing you can forgive...that still does not say you condone. I look at it from a Buddhist perspective and really believe we all have our journey to make in our lifetime and any other's we may live. I may not like what my child does, but it is not my place to punish them for it or place my judgement and expectations on them...I do not know what their journey is, what lessons they are destined to learn in this space in time, or why.

I love them because they are my child and because simply I love them in my heart and soul...they came from my body, they are part of me and as I have come to learn, sometimes strange things happen which at the time seem to have no rhyme or reason, then years maybe decades later you begin to see a little or a lot of why that thing may have happened the way it did or at the time it did...for me to judge my child for something they did and withdraw my love on that judgement, I would be saying I was omniscient and basically I had never made a mistake or done something wrong and that just isn't realistic. My love is not reliant on F or my children living up to my expectations, desires, wants, or beliefs.

Catalina

 

[im_a_voyeur]

I think if you can't imagine any situation in which your love would be cut off from a person based on their actions, then something is likely wrong with the relationship. I want a healthy relationship with people. That means, yes, there are judgments, limits and rules, damned right there are.

Of course others are free to live anyway they do, want or desire to even if I think it's probably not so healthy. It's not my life after all.

I've wondered about that... if my love for Marquis borders on unhealthy. I haven't closed myself off to others. I've gone out with a few guys since our breakup. No one has really truly piqued my interest though. I guess time will tell if my love for him is unhealthy or not.

 

[FurryFury]

Yes, but what you aren't understanding is the difference between love and judgement...they are not necessarily tied to each other or unhealthy when you can still love your child even though you do not condone their choices. For one thing you can forgive...that still does not say you condone. I look at it from a Buddhist perspective and really believe we all have our journey to make in our lifetime and any other's we may live. I may not like what my child does, but it is not my place to punish them for it or place my judgement and expectations on them...I do not know what their journey is, what lessons they are destined to learn in this space in time, or why.

I love them because they are my child and because simply I love them in my heart and soul...they came from my body, they are part of me and as I have come to learn, sometimes strange things happen which at the time seem to have no rhyme or reason, then years maybe decades later you begin to see a little or a lot of why that thing may have happened the way it did or at the time it did...for me to judge my child for something they did and withdraw my love on that judgement, I would be saying I was omniscient and basically I had never made a mistake or done something wrong and that just isn't realistic. My love is not reliant on F or my children living up to my expectations, desires, wants, or beliefs.

Catalina

I see where you are coming from. I just feel quite differently on some of it.

However I will say there is very little that could stop me from loving my kids. What I can imagine might do are things they are very unlikely to ever do.

As a parent until they are adults I do think it is absolutely my job to, at times judge and punish them. I'd hate to fall down on my job. I take it pretty seriously and I consider it a service to them.

 

[FurryFury]

I've wondered about that... if my love for Marquis borders on unhealthy. I haven't closed myself off to others. I've gone out with a few guys since our breakup. No one has really truly piqued my interest though. I guess time will tell if my love for him is unhealthy or not.

I think it will take time to be truly ready to go with another person. What y'all had was not just your first love but also something very powerful and strong. Letting go of that is like a death in a way. It takes time to grieve it and time to repair your heart then truly open it again.

That's just my opinion of course. I might not know shit after all.

 

[im_a_voyeur]

I think it will take time to be truly ready to go with another person. What y'all had was not just your first love but also something very powerful and strong. Letting go of that is like a death in a way. It takes time to grieve it and time to repair your heart then truly open it again.

That's just my opinion of course. I might not know shit after all.

Very true but it doesn't help that I live in S. Florida where the men here are mostly not my type at all. I don't think that I have to start dating someone else in order to move on. In fact, I'm really enjoying being single.

 

[FurryFury]

Very true but it doesn't help that I live in S. Florida where the men here are mostly not my type at all. I don't think that I have to start dating someone else in order to move on. In fact, I'm really enjoying being single.

Good for you! I know I always enjoyed being single the few and all too brief times I was!

 

[catalina_francisco]

As a parent until they are adults I do think it is absolutely my job to, at times judge and punish them. I'd hate to fall down on my job. I take it pretty seriously and I consider it a service to them.

I thought that goes without saying but when as you were, discussing children murdering our partners etc., I expect except for the exceptions, as a rule we are discussing our children as adults and fully functioning individuals. I tend to think raising and guiding our children during formative years to be parental responsibility and as part of that there are rules they abide by and sometimes punishments for wrongdoing, but still I don't class even that as a judgement as it is our responsibility to them in those years to do the best we can to guide them to become caring adults.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

Good. I'm glad we agree on that!

*smiles*

 

[graceanne]

I love my mother. I really do.

It's not a mere accident of fate that I live 1500 miles from her. I think if you'd asked me if I was "getting away" when I picked my college at 19, I would have denied, it, I denied it over and over to myself. But I was. It's what we call "preservation instinct."

You can love someone deeply, totally, irrationally, and still have boundaries. Even really big ones.

Sounds like me and my sister. We get along as well as we do cause we live away from eachother. The two times she lived with me we fought the whole time.