Un-Domly behavior

[Krinaia]

I was just reading a thread about bondage.com here at Lit and got to thinking...

I use this site to chat, educate myself and genrally just make friends. While, I have found bondage.com to be somewhat useful in making dates. It's led me to the local munch...

Anyhow, on to my point...


I know I'm young and also haven't really been shopping too awful long for a boyfriend/dominant/playmate.. but now that I am, I've noticed something. Three doms in the past four months have gotten close to a meeting with me. I was ready to do it. Hell there were one or two that I was within inches of meeting as soon as circumstances (cars, moving places) were cleared up. But all three men dropped me like a hat very suddenly.

Seems that for a lifestyle which is supposed to cherish open communication and complete honesty... these men were acting very undomly. One, they didn't bother to tell me they had lost interest. Two, they didn't communicate as to why. Three, they never even called to let me know anything... they just stopped calling. And two of them I had scheduled days for meetings but hadn't made concrete plans with and the other I had began to submit to over the phone and he just stopped calling.

I feel disrespected. And if it continues to happen, then I'm going to develop feelings where I DON'T want to open myslef up to people because I'll feel they'll only drop me like a rock after they see some of my vulnerability.

I'm curious if anyone else has had similar experiences. I know what most of you will say about such behavior.

 

[WriterDom]

At least they didn't fuck you first and then stop talking to you. Seems to me that the right person just shows up one day when you least expect it.

 

[FungiUg]

Doms are still human. That means they are still subject to all of the normal human behavoural issues. Yes, we should be "better", particularly with the need to foster open communication, respect, honesty and trust. But... are we?

The one thing that I am pleased at though is that we are no WORSE than the non-D/s dating scene. In fact, it's all pretty much part and parcel of the same thing.

So don't let down your guard just because someone mentions BDSM. You'll still run into all of the same faults in people.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

While I agree you have been treated poorly, perhaps some self-examination is also in order.

An indicator to slow down a bit, perhaps?

Just an idea, of course.

Complete honesty does not always mean being completely vulnerable to someone who is new to you.

~anelize

 

[redelicious]

You know, be glad you found out now rather then months later. They did you a favor.

Think of it as a lesson learned (probably the first of many). I think not being quite so open is a GOOD thing, especially in situations where you are giving someone permission to participate in activities that could wind up causing you physical harm.

 

[MissTaken]

Doms or not, this sort of behaviour is disrespectful.

However, as we move through life, we often run into players, posers and people who cannot be honest for whatever reason.

It is good to learn how to handle it now, without losing your own self respect and move on.

And in addition to anelize's suggestion concerning introspect, you may find that in slowing down you will soon find you are becoming more adept at recognizing inconsistencies and variances in the people you talk to. Thus, helping you to determine before getting involved if someone is as interested as they say they are.

There are many men and woman who make a past time of keeping a score card of internet conquests and the behaviour you are describing is consistent with these sorts of "collectors."

Best wishes,
MissT

 

[Krinaia]

Thanks guys!

I seriously just needed to get that off my chest.

In truth, I had a good date with someone today. He didn't touch me but he was being respectful and after I thought about it, he even told me so, though not in so many words.

My overwhelming 22 yr old horniness clouds my reasoning sometimes I think. If I could get laid on the side while dating, that would be the perfect situation...lol. Cause I could concentrate on building a trustful realtionship with someone while my friend with benefits kept me somewhat sated...lol. Does that sound wretched?

Fungi, you're right. Doms are human and will act as such and sometimes I forget that. I am by no means perfect and hope that they understand the same of me.

And your guy's advice as made me re-examine my own behavior and realize I do open up to fast, so eager am I... So the two fore runners right now in my dating circle will have to deal with my sudden need to take it slow though the guy mentioned above has already forced that upon me. In truth though, my own shyness does it too.

 

[MissTaken]

That sounds so positive, skyline blue!

I can only offer that I have had similar experiences and slowing down was what ultimately helped me to clear my head and face less and less frustration and hurt.



Just my two cents, though!

 

[Krinaia]

I feel in a really good place right now. If I am able to make friends here and perhaps find someone or several someones to date... I think I will have the time of my life. And it's about time

 

[catalina_francisco]

Perhaps it is not so much un-Domly or dishonest, as a variance in styles. Like in all things we all have different ways of doing things. My experience has been most submissives and Dominants alike talk to more than one person at a time, measuring and guaging all the while how relaistic the expectation is it will lead to anything or be worth the meeting stage. Many have busy lives and though it is a bit rude to just drop out without calling, some are ruthless in what they decide is worth their time.

It does not necessarily have to reflect on you personally as an individual, just you were not right for them or they believed they were not right for you and either time did not permit to bother meeting under those preconceptions, or someone more suitable won that time slot. We are not all alike so we are not all compatible with each other....time can be precious, and as some have said it is in a way far kinder than meeting you, perhaps having your mind already off on fantasies of the first session that will never happen, or taking advantage then leaving you.

Catalina

 

[WriterDom]

I use this site to chat, educate myself and genrally just make friends. While, I have found bondage.com to be somewhat useful in making dates. It's led me to the local munch...

.

Getting involved with the local group is a real plus for you. Focus more on making friends and your growth as a submissive. Instead of looking for a Dom now, set a goal of finding the right One in 12 months. He is out there somewhere. As a sub you will always have offers. Don't sell yourself cheap.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Re: Re: Un-Domly behavior

Getting involved with the local group is a real plus for you. Focus more on making friends and your growth as a submissive. Instead of looking for a Dom now, set a goal of finding the right One in 12 months. He is out there somewhere. As a sub you will always have offers. Don't sell yourself cheap.

I'm in total agreement...

 

[Netzach]

the one year plan?

I would try this, but that's me.

I'd make lists of characteristics you desire in your Dom. Don't prioritize yet, just do it all blurty and free associating.

Then I'd characterize these as priority, must have and nice but not essential qualities.

When you meet people you will have something you created with a cooler and more objective head to keep yourself on track. Do they exhibit these traits? Yes or no? More of them than not?

I've found it helpful, in an indirect way.

 

[Wolf_77]

I had to make a reply to this one.

It is good to see that you have found the eagerness within you being a hinderence to your plan of finding that someone. When a person opens too much too fast, well, it causes problems and you can only expect to end up with nothing,

I agree with the responses above about just slowing down, taking time, etc., even the list is a good idea to start. If you had 3 doms in 4 months, well, you really need to work on some sort of pace, lol.

As for side lays during the course of a relationship, only if the dom says its ok.

(IF this seems like mindless chatter, well, I haven't had my coffee presented to me yet,,,,,,,now where's that sub of mine,,,,)

 

[Krinaia]

I had to make a reply to this one.

It is good to see that you have found the eagerness within you being a hinderence to your plan of finding that someone. When a person opens too much too fast, well, it causes problems and you can only expect to end up with nothing,

I agree with the responses above about just slowing down, taking time, etc., even the list is a good idea to start. If you had 3 doms in 4 months, well, you really need to work on some sort of pace, lol.

As for side lays during the course of a relationship, only if the dom says its ok.

(IF this seems like mindless chatter, well, I haven't had my coffee presented to me yet,,,,,,,now where's that sub of mine,,,,)

I didn't HAVE 3 doms. I talked to three that I thought were possibilities worth meeting. Just to clarify.