Two Strangers meet- her thoughts and his

[Levelhead]

I've alway wondered what goes through the minds of two strangers as they go from "first sight" to "bed".

I decided to co-author a story that chronicles an encounter from her viewpoint and his. This story was written by myself, a man, and a woman by writing a passage, emailing it over and responding.

I'm curious to hear what people think of stories written from this point of view. The story is: Doubletake at the Doubletree
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43962
The category is erotic couplings. Levelhead is the author.

Have I captured the thoughts accurately? How might I better tell this story? I really like this format, but feel i could improve upon it. Thanks in advance for your constructive criticism.

 

[Impetus]

Hmmm...

I liked your writing style and voice, overall, which was good. The back and forth thing was interesting, but I can't say that it added to much to the story for me. There were also a lot of technical errors that were really distracting among what was otherwise a really-nice-to-read story. I liked it a lot. I wasn't particularly arousing, but I'm going to chalk that up to my sleepy-ness more than the story, you may want to get a second opinion on the sexxxy-factor. Not a bad story at all, but I'd definitely spend some time tightening up those technicall follies. Really distracting.

-I

 

[Levelhead]

thanks

I know I should have higher standards on grammar and punctuation. Perhaps I have some verb tense problems...I don't know, I haven't doublechecked....but the standards i have are pretty high, and while I'd like to do better, this job doesn't exactly pay much. So I write the stories, refine them a little if time allows, then post them in whatever state they may be in at that point. Only a small percentage gets the dry heaves from my technical shortcomings. I don't fault you for pointing them out, and appreciate having such a legitimate critic, but I might ask you to look the other way again sometime when I have a story not quite ready, but posted on the site. Thanks again for the comments.

 

[amyanderic]

Here's a second opinion......

I think Impetus needs more sleep!

I thoroughly enjoyed the Doubletree story - it was very arousing and I'd give it a sexxxy factor of 8/10 - although I couldn't dance to it! lol

I especially liked the addition of the couples "thoughts" into the story - a nice change from just reading descriptions of physical acts as is common in so many other stories on this site.

I've only read the story once, and in no way do I claim to be an English major or a copy editor, but I don't recall any technical follies that distracted me enough that I was kept from enjoying the story. There are many posts on this site that my 4 year old niece could write better - and many times I've stopped reading a story just because the grammar or the general writing was so poor - but not so at all in this case.

Keep up the good work, Levelhead!

Amy

Hmmm...

I liked your writing style and voice, overall, which was good. The back and forth thing was interesting, but I can't say that it added to much to the story for me. There were also a lot of technical errors that were really distracting among what was otherwise a really-nice-to-read story. I liked it a lot. I wasn't particularly arousing, but I'm going to chalk that up to my sleepy-ness more than the story, you may want to get a second opinion on the sexxxy-factor. Not a bad story at all, but I'd definitely spend some time tightening up those technicall follies. Really distracting.

-I

 

[Impetus]

He hee! More sleep.

Suggestion taken, Levelhead. Looking forward to more stories.

-I