Two For One Feedback Special

[Rumple Foreskin]

PICK YOUR STORY, FEEDBACK. A weekend with a boy or an evening with another girl.

I've got a special "two for one" deal for all the good, and not so good, guys and gals, (and all those in between), here at Literotica Story Feedback. This limited time offer is as follows:

Girl Talk (lesbian sex) the story of two lonely student nurses and a bottle of bourbon has just slipped out of the new section. It's URL should be: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=35746

For those of you really into heavy pain, down at the Story Discussion Circle, an earlier post of mine "Cindy's Sex Seminar" (loving couples) has just entered the crosshairs as a target for critiques.

Any and all input will be appreciated.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Pick one or either, but please don't pick neither. RF

 

[Ray Dario]

Feedback on Girl Talk:

Overall the story was pretty good, I enjoyed the buildup and the sex scene.

It could have moved a lot faster and been better. Also there were several places where the wrong word was used.

As an example:
After taken a drink, Ann continued,

Taken, should be Taking.

This kind of small error was in too many places.

Other than that the writing was good. Your use of dialog was pretty okay. I was a little turned off by the racist language of Ann and by her general racism. I know some people talk and think that way, but I don't like listening to them and I don't like reading about them. Yeah, I know she was black. But being a minority does not exclude you from being a racist and doesn't make being a racist any more acceptable.

The last thing I will say, was about the plot. There really wasn't one. The characters stayed the same through the entire story. It was just a "one night in the life of" kind of story. That's okay, but I enjoy stories more where the main character changes, grows, learns something.

Remember that all of this is just my opinion, but you asked for it

Ray

 

[jon.hayworth]

RF.

Read your latest story "Girl Talk".

Is rascism OK when expressed by someone who is black? Not sure - and she was not rascist in her actions. Beside a stated only screw black men thing, in the story it emerges she has tried an Indian, but (racial stereotyping here) he has a little cock. This reinforces and echoes the white rascist stereotype of all blackmen have big cocks and are itching to rape your wife, mother, sister etc. In other words you went beyond the pale on that score.

On style as Ray said there was a need to edit. Especially take a look at para 8. "room's narrow bed" and listing woman's looks. Could do with a rewrite.

Also the ? instead of - 's in son-of-a-bitch.

As Ray said there was no movement but it was entertaining.

jon

 

[Impetus]

I certainly enjoyed reading it, and that's really the most important acid test to pass. I liked the storytelling format and the personable-ness of the whole scenario. It was pretty obvious that the girls were going to be gettin it on in the end (drunk, talking about sex, and in the lesbian section, natch). But I don't think I could think of a way to mask something like that, and the anticipaiton is actually kinda fun in it's own way.

I didn't see any atrocious grammatical errors, but I wasn't looking for them. What I did see was some good sex, fun storytelling, and a rather fun story. Wicked-good.

-I

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Thanks Folks

Ray and Jon,

Thanks for the helpful input. I thought your ideas concerning racism and writing were so interesting, I posted a long response on the Author's Hangout board. You might want to slide over there and show me the errors of my ways. RF

ps: Jon, is RASCIST and RASCISM the correct spelling on your side of the pond or were you just having a bad day, you rascal? RF

--

Impetus,

Thanks for the kind remarks. You're right about it being a challenge to write a seduction scene when every reader expects it to be successful. I'm glad you liked my feeble effort. RF

 

[jon.hayworth]

RF,

You got me - one of those words I am forever spelling wrong, and I can never work out how to link a spell check to this post page

jon

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Ray and Jon,

Your problems with my “racist” character and her language seem to be based, at least in part, on the belief there is no justification for her presence because the story is just a sex scene and lacks any plot. In my usual quiet, diplomatic, even scholarly manner, let me say, “My story does to have a plot! So there!”

Now that we’ve settled that issue in a calm, rational way, I’ll concede that the story’s plot was possibly, maybe, per chance, lacking a commanding presence. In essence, Cindy misses her boyfriend, has a positive first lesbian experience, but remains convinced she prefers men and still loves the absent Ray.

Ann’s story is supposed to be a sub-plot. Her character has racists overtones because:
1. Ann’s use of those phrases around Cindy, and Cindy’s lack of any negative reaction, demonstrates their close friendship,
2. Ann’s sassy, street-smart, hip attitude and vocabulary was common among young, urban, black women back in the early 70’s (however, the only reference to the time frame was Ann’s Afro hairstyle-my mistake),
3. Explaining the derivation of her attitude toward white guys gave me a chance to throw in a heterosexual sex episode,
4. This last one isn’t a good reason, but while the incident is pure fiction, Ann’s character is closely based on a person I knew and liked. She had been molested by a white h/s teacher and would not date white guys.

Anyway, I’m not denying that I probably need to check into Plots-R-Us, but I honestly believe the story had something which at least vaguely resembled a plot. For what it’s worth, here are key parts of the story’s beginning, middle, and end.

Rumple Foreskin


beginning
Cindy. "I said it serves him right. Our drinking his bourbon and all."
a. For the past couple of hours, they'd been sitting in Cindy's cramped dorm room, getting drunker by the minute while steadily draining the bottle of bourbon Ray had left, "for safe keeping," when he flew home for a visit.

Ann. After taken a drink, Ann continued, "I guess I got this attitude when I was a senior in high school and a white teacher made me put out for a grade."

middle
Ann. "No good," sighed Ann. "I mean Ray's okay, for a honkey. It's just that I never fool with a friend's man. And thanks to Langley, I only go out with black dudes."

end
Cindy. Tonight had been fun but she was Ray's to have and to hold, forever.
a. Ann pushed herself up and looked down at her. "What caused you to startle child, indigestion?"
b. Cindy seemed unaware of the tease. "No. I just realized how much I still love that damn Ray."

Ann. "You know," said Ann, "I've finally figured out why white guys are so weird. It's all you weird white women." She let out a loud, disgusted sigh, then laughed and flopped back onto the bed.

 

[Ray Dario]

RF

This is just my opinion again, and this is the last time I will give you feedback on your stories. Take it as you will.

If you have to justify or explain the plot to two out of three readers who gave you feedback then, perhaps, your plot wasn't obvious enough. Having a "beginning", "middle", and "end" does not make it a plot.

Also, my complaint about the use of racist language was NOT based on your lack of plot. Go back and read what I have said again, this time without the chip on your shoulder.

My "complaint", as it were, was that the racial language dramatically reduced my own sexual response to the story. Nothing more, nothing less. It was my opinion and my reaction.

I tried to explain why I had this reaction, and possibly that is where I was wrong. It seems that you have focused on my personal reasons for my personal reaction and taken it as an indictment against your writing. I did not intend that.

Ray