Turpitudus Feedback

[Turpitudus]

Hi to you all. I have posted 2 'chapters' now and am keen for feedback. I would like to submit more stories, but have never had any input or opinion from anyone else.

Please, please let me know what you think of my efforts thus far. I am also open to suggestions for how my saga might develop.

Many thanks.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Aaargh!!!

Like all marketing, make it easy for us. You need to give a link if you want us lazy tykes to respond.

Turpy's stuff

As a girl - even though I read and enjoy T/S - I'm not really the best to comment on how well you've captured the genre. Except to say, I missed a bit of characterization. Why is she called Antonia? Does the wife know where her panties are? Those sorts of bits.

On a technical scale you write well. On the screen the backlight and scrolling makes it essential to keep paragraphs shorter than in print. You could benefit from shortening your paragraphs.

Your story is in, what I call, 'Report' style. Using first person makes it difficult to get us invoved in a story. It's great for emotion but limits development with other characters. Also, which I think is a major failing with your writing, it tends to cut off dialogue, which is the oxygen of good stories.

I think, others may disagree, that to right good fiction you have to really concentrate on being the narrator and separate yourself from your characters - even if first person. We dumb readers need to feel ourselves a part of the story.

Conclusion; I like your story, I like your writing; just focus more on a slightly longer tale and how the readers get involved.

How did Antonia find her sexuality?

Well done

Elle

 

[Turpitudus]

Thank you Ellie

Ellie thanks for the feedback, I have taken it all onboard ready for next time!

The first person style was adopted because it is MY confession, a personal account, rather than a narrative. I quite like the idea of introducing other viewpoints, in order to capture the whole scenario. The 1st person account is why there is no reference to the wife's missing panties and so on.

Your critique is much appreciated and I know my writing will be better for it! Thanks again.

Turpy. xxx

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Ellie thanks for the feedback, I have taken it all onboard ready for next time!

The first person style was adopted because it is MY confession, a personal account, rather than a narrative. I quite like the idea of introducing other viewpoints, in order to capture the whole scenario. The 1st person account is why there is no reference to the wife's missing panties and so on.

Your critique is much appreciated and I know my writing will be better for it! Thanks again.

Turpy. xxx

Thanks for the kind reply.

First person is very powerful and can be incredible when you want to explore the reactions/ emotions of the protag.

I understand perfectly the writing approach of confession. You have something to say and it needs to be up close and personal. Except -

In writing, the narrator must stand aside from the characters. Without going into a load of stuff, if the first person protagonist is you (why not?) the narrator is someone else. That sounds stoopid, but what I mean is, as the writer you can stand back and look at your 'character' from a distance. Telling the story in retrospect gives you a chance to vary the emotions.

Few read T/S, which is a shame as there's some good writing there.

Please write more - and flag it here - you are a plus to lit.

Elle