Turning Point

[BiBunny]

I'm putting this in the Cafe 'cause it's mostly just about my life (which I doubt anyone cares that much about, anyway, but I just wanted to talk about it in front of people who'd understand). I apologize in advance if it's boring or rambly or otherwise makes no sense.

Several months ago, I posted a thread about B. and how he unceremoniously dumped me on my ass because his other girl found out about me. Our separation lasted for all of a week, pretty much. Since then, there's been a good bit of drama, which I'm going to leave out for the sake of brevity.

Last Sunday, she upset him so much about me that he broke it off with her. I went to his house to talk to him about it. He was really broken up about the whole thing and said that we are both very special to him and that he wished there was a way that he could have both of us. The gist of the conversation we had was that I did not care what he did with his life, as long as he'd be honest from this point forward.

He talked to her, and they are together again now. This time, though, he was totally up front with her and told her that I'm just as important to him as she is and that if there was a way that we could all work it out, neither of us are going anywhere. He came to visit me last night, and I told him that I'd do anything in the world to help him, up to and including walking away from this situation if it would make life easier for him. On the other hand, though, I made it clear that I absolutely will not sit back and allow myself to keep getting the short end of the stick. I more or less said, "If you want a poly situation, all I expect is for you to treat me the same way you treat her."

When I got online last night, there was an email in my CollarMe inbox from her. She basically said that she wants to do whatever it takes to make it all work out, too. In my reply, I reassured her that I'm not trying to "take him away" or anything silly like that. I agreed that if we can all approach this in a mature fashion, there's no reason something can't be worked out that is favorable for everyone involved. I have not received a response yet, but I do expect one.

I'm going to see B. again tonight to talk to him some more. (We couldn't do a whole lot of talking yesterday because my parents were around.) He wants his other girl and me to meet and talk things through. I told him that I was totally willing and that I had nothing against her personally other than the hell she's put him through about it.

So I guess I'm really just trying to say that the moral of the story is that if you're honest, you can accomplish a lot. Which brings me to my question. Can anyone give me some advice about how to approach this? I'm completely poly and have no problem with him having both of us. I'd just like to know what I can do to ease the transition some. (Hoping for folks like EG and Marquis to weigh in here.) I'll appreciate any advice anyone's got for me.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[graceanne]

I have to say that I agree with cutie, but I also want to give you a *hug*. Sounds like you've had a tough past couple of days, and I sincerely hope things do work out for you and B.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks, gracie and cutie. The two of you are probably correct, but I sort of feel like I owe it to myself to try. If it doesn't work out...I'll walk away so there won't be more problems. If I don't try, I think I'll probably regret it, y'know.

You know,the perversity of the human heart and all that.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm also in agreement with cutie and grace. If honesty is the key, you need to begin with being honest with yourself. You DO have something against her personally, the fact you don't agree with how she conducts her relationship with him (which from what I know, in poly is not your business), and the fact you do not like her having any say in whether it is poly or not because you are happy with poly and she is not basically. What it seems is that like a lot of women who are vulnerable, she has felt she has no choice and so decided to at least seem to agree with the arrangement you and he want, not because she thinks it a wonderful idea...her back is against the wall. Her best idea would be to walk away and leave you both to your ways because as uch as I like you, you have as cutie said, built this all upon deciept, cheating and lies to make sure you got what you wanted regardless of how it affected her....so why should she care about how it affects you? I know we all told you this before, but it will have to come from within you, not our words, for you to be honest in all ways and decide what your future path will be.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

Thank you, cat. I sort of feel like I'm damned if I don't and damned if I do at this point. (In case you didn't notice.)

 

[BiBunny]

Double-posting on my own thread, but I am talking to her now. In spite of myself, I am almost liking her. I hope it's a good sign.

 

[myinnerslut]

i dont have any advice but i can say i hope everything works out for the best and i think its very brave of you to try.

 

[BiBunny]

i dont have any advice but i can say i hope everything works out for the best and i think its very brave of you to try.

Thanks, mis. In spite of my original misgivings, I hope things can work out. Sometimes I wonder if I am being brave, or if I am being a coward, though.

 

[Bi_Kitty]

You are the BRAVEST person I know, sweetie! You are the best and everything will work out for you. I love you!

 

[BiBunny]

You are the BRAVEST person I know, sweetie! You are the best and everything will work out for you. I love you!

Thanks, kitty-cat. You have no idea how important it is to me that you're here for me (again) while I go through crazy stuff (again). The fact that the whole situation will peripherally involve you, too, makes it mean that much more to me. Help me keep my head screwed on straight, ok?

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I don't know that I have much to offer here except "Good luck hon".

Poly ain't easy starting from the ground up. Add the emotional baggage of distrust and, well... Let's just say that you should not expect miracles. And you have Kitty to consider as well.

But it _can_ work out, if everyone is poly-capable, if B. is able to keep things balanced, if the other, other woman can keep her defecation together (and is she aware that you Bunny, will be bringing Kitty in the equation? Even if she's not directly involved between you and B, Kitty IS a factor in this poly equation.).

Sometimes dumb luck plays a huge role in how it all works out, sometimes it's sheer determination. But never hesitate to ask questions hon. I can't promise speedy replies or good advice. But you know I'll always be up front with you!

 

[FurryFury]

I pretty much agree with everyone else so far. No it's not the best foundation to build on. Good luck. Things will work out regardless.

I don't think B is good enough for you. He is the one who lied to the other girl. As I understand it, you knew and were cool with poly all along. She can't be blamed IMO for flipping out over the whole thing.

As much as he's probably played up the differences between the two of your and how much she is unreasonable and/or hurting him, guys tend to pick out the same sort of girl. They also tend to tell their versions of the story just to get what they want. You deserve better, probably so does she.

Which means if you could put this all aside y'all might actually really like each other and get along well. Or you might see things in the other person that drive you nuts because they are things you don't like about yourself. It could go either way.

Good luck to you and Bi Kitty regardless.

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[Netzach]

I'm putting this in the Cafe 'cause it's mostly just about my life (which I doubt anyone cares that much about, anyway, but I just wanted to talk about it in front of people who'd understand). I apologize in advance if it's boring or rambly or otherwise makes no sense.

Several months ago, I posted a thread about B. and how he unceremoniously dumped me on my ass because his other girl found out about me. Our separation lasted for all of a week, pretty much. Since then, there's been a good bit of drama, which I'm going to leave out for the sake of brevity.

Last Sunday, she upset him so much about me that he broke it off with her. I went to his house to talk to him about it. He was really broken up about the whole thing and said that we are both very special to him and that he wished there was a way that he could have both of us. The gist of the conversation we had was that I did not care what he did with his life, as long as he'd be honest from this point forward.

He talked to her, and they are together again now. This time, though, he was totally up front with her and told her that I'm just as important to him as she is and that if there was a way that we could all work it out, neither of us are going anywhere. He came to visit me last night, and I told him that I'd do anything in the world to help him, up to and including walking away from this situation if it would make life easier for him. On the other hand, though, I made it clear that I absolutely will not sit back and allow myself to keep getting the short end of the stick. I more or less said, "If you want a poly situation, all I expect is for you to treat me the same way you treat her."

When I got online last night, there was an email in my CollarMe inbox from her. She basically said that she wants to do whatever it takes to make it all work out, too. In my reply, I reassured her that I'm not trying to "take him away" or anything silly like that. I agreed that if we can all approach this in a mature fashion, there's no reason something can't be worked out that is favorable for everyone involved. I have not received a response yet, but I do expect one.

I'm going to see B. again tonight to talk to him some more. (We couldn't do a whole lot of talking yesterday because my parents were around.) He wants his other girl and me to meet and talk things through. I told him that I was totally willing and that I had nothing against her personally other than the hell she's put him through about it.

So I guess I'm really just trying to say that the moral of the story is that if you're honest, you can accomplish a lot. Which brings me to my question. Can anyone give me some advice about how to approach this? I'm completely poly and have no problem with him having both of us. I'd just like to know what I can do to ease the transition some. (Hoping for folks like EG and Marquis to weigh in here.) I'll appreciate any advice anyone's got for me.

I'd caution against having a lot to do with her just because you want this to work - not every poly situation is ever meant to be a triad. What you are looking for at this point is a functional "V" with your guy as the center - cordiality and understanding are superb on both your parts and it's up to *him* to manage his time effectively, something he seems not to be doing too well on, eh?

I don't have anything to say about the "foundation of dishonesty" etc. Most of the *best* people I know are hiding things from their wives - call it the nature of my business.

I've seen a lot of good things come of flawed situations and I don't see extramarital affairs as the ultimate yardstick of a person's worth or lack thereof. It's all about how he's gonna navigate this one and whether or not at the end of the day you are satisfied or honestly not.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

First off bunny girl let me give you *hugs* and *cookies* for all you have been through. Relationships are tough and require a lot of work whether they be 'nilla, poly or BDSM. It sounds like you are doing the work and willing to continue to do so...good for you. That is how one gets what one wants.

On a more personal level I want to say that when I was a sweet young thing like yourself I lived in Hollyweird for a bit and poly was the soup of the day. I was involved in such a relationship that lasted for a good long time but let me tell you it was exhausting. It was not a BDSM relationship but did contain some elements of D/s in it.

Despite the fact you and the other young lady may be willing to make an attempt to please your PLY most all women and men for that matter are inherently jealous. Though Red and I never openly fought or argued we were always trying to out do the other...in all things...make-up...dress...sexual activities...knowledge...everything. I do believe there were times when we forgot that our focus was supposed to be Him.

Well Red and I spent so much of our energies out doing one another we were too exhausted to shower upon Him that which should have been his, our ever constant affections. He eventually became displeased with both of us and moved on.

Now I'm not saying you would behave in such a way or that the other in this triad would either but have a care young one. Life is too short to settle for any less than you deserve.

just saying

d

 

[Bi_Kitty]

Thanks, kitty-cat. You have no idea how important it is to me that you're here for me (again) while I go through crazy stuff (again). The fact that the whole situation will peripherally involve you, too, makes it mean that much more to me. Help me keep my head screwed on straight, ok?

LMAO, help keep your head screwed on straight, LMAO! There's no hope for that one, lol. Anyway, talk to B. tonight like you were going to do last night (don't fall asleep this time, though). I'm sure you are worrying too much.

 

[BiBunny]

Okey dokey, I'm going to attempt to address everyone who's responded since my last post. If I leave you out, it's just 'cause I'm a little slow on the uptake this morning, not because I don't every last one of you and value your opinions.

EG, thanks for the well-wishes. I know it's going to be a long, uphill road, but I think I'm looking forward to it mostly because there will be honesty in this situation now that wasn't there before. I'm really not expecting miracles; the harshly realistic side of me knows this will probably go to hell in a handbasket in a hurry. I guess the masochist in me has to see it through, though. She knows that Kitty is in the picture, and while I'm not going to throw it all at her at once, if we do progress that far, she and Kitty will meet, too, mostly so I can say, "Ok, now you know my girlfriend." And, as far as dumb luck and sheer determination go, I'm blessed (cursed?) with both of them, so I can only hope they'll do me some good.

FF, I agree that she had a right to flip out. I don't blame her for that. After I spoke to her last night (now, albeit, it was through Yahoo messenger, but I do plan to meet her face-to-face when everybody's comfortable), I feel a lot better about it. She is the one who is most uncertain about the whole thing, but after talking for a little while, even she said that she believed we could like each other. Like I said up there, it probably will go to shit in a hurry, but I am doing my best to be optimistic nonetheless.

Netz, thanks for your input as well. You were another of those people I was hoping to hear from when I started this particular thread. I think you're right about this needing to be more of a "V" than a triad. I mean, that's basically what it's been all along, though he hasn't been very good with a.) telling her the truth and b.) managing his time betwixt the two of us. I still have to sit down and have a talk with him about how I refuse to keep accepting the scraps he throws me, but I am willing to give it time for her to get comfortable. We'll just have to see how it goes, I guess.

BB, thank you for the hugs and cookies. I think I need 'em at this point. I appreciate your story, too. It'll be something for me to try to remember not to fall victim to and, I think, another reason for me to stick to Netz's suggestion of "V, not triad," at least for awhile. I also have Kitty to consider, so I can't waste all my time trying to outdo someone else.

Kitty, you're probably right. I do have this annoying tendency to overanalyze things. I planned on coming home today, but, yeah...I fell asleep before I got to talk to him last night. Once I get all this talking out of the way, maybe the road will be less bumpy for a while!

Once again, thanks, everybody. I'll probably be back plenty of times in the next few weeks to get advice and support. I feel like I have to be the strong one in this situation most of the time, but even I need to vent occasionally. If somebody spots Marquis, too, could you send him this way?

 

[Netzach]

I refuse to keep accepting the scraps he throws me, but I am willing to give it time for her to get comfortable. We'll just have to see how it goes, I guess.

Word to the wise: you need to stop looking at it that way. If you can. Time isn't a matter of "leftovers" if you put proper meaning and weight into the time you spend.

Find something to do other than sit and wait. Find 85 things to do other than sit and wait.

Don't expect things you *know* are not gonna come.

If he's an overpromiser he's in big trouble. This is someone who needs to have time management down to a lifestyle - does his job demand time management and honest sense of deadline? There are a lot of useful words that speak to this out of the business realm, as cold as that sounds. He needs to learn to make realistic commitments of time and follow through.

 

[BiBunny]

Word to the wise: you need to stop looking at it that way. If you can. Time isn't a matter of "leftovers" if you put proper meaning and weight into the time you spend.

Find something to do other than sit and wait. Find 85 things to do other than sit and wait.

Don't expect things you *know* are not gonna come.

If he's an overpromiser he's in big trouble. This is someone who needs to have time management down to a lifestyle - does his job demand time management and honest sense of deadline? There are a lot of useful words that speak to this out of the business realm, as cold as that sounds. He needs to learn to make realistic commitments of time and follow through.

God love him, he does have time management down to a lifestyle. He manages a fairly decent-sized (for this small town) company, and he's working on a master's degree in management. Unfortunately, in his personal life, he's more of a "don't step on anyone's toes" kind of guy. Because I'm the most flexible and understanding one about how he spends his time, I find that I'm always the one who gets the least amount of it. (This is no knock to his other girl. I mean, I'm the most understanding person in his life, period--friends, family, business associates, etc.) Such is life, I suppose. We're going to work on that. I may even point him in the direction of this thread.

I do have 85 other things I need to be doing, but I admit to letting them take the back burner in favor of mine and his relationship a lot of times. (Case in point: I've spent the last 3 days here with him when I should be doing the job-hunting thing.) I'm going to do my best not to keep doing that. It's not good for me because I don't need to shirk my responsibilities, and it's not good for him because one day he'll have to get used to the fact that I can't *always* be at his beck and call.

 

[Netzach]

God love him, he does have time management down to a lifestyle. He manages a fairly decent-sized (for this small town) company, and he's working on a master's degree in management. Unfortunately, in his personal life, he's more of a "don't step on anyone's toes" kind of guy. Because I'm the most flexible and understanding one about how he spends his time, I find that I'm always the one who gets the least amount of it. (This is no knock to his other girl. I mean, I'm the most understanding person in his life, period--friends, family, business associates, etc.) Such is life, I suppose. We're going to work on that. I may even point him in the direction of this thread.

I do have 85 other things I need to be doing, but I admit to letting them take the back burner in favor of mine and his relationship a lot of times. (Case in point: I've spent the last 3 days here with him when I should be doing the job-hunting thing.) I'm going to do my best not to keep doing that. It's not good for me because I don't need to shirk my responsibilities, and it's not good for him because one day he'll have to get used to the fact that I can't *always* be at his beck and call.

I get it. Well, he needs to understand that everyone cannot be kept happy with the desire to keep everyone happy and he needs to sit down and treat this as any other time management issue and literally make schedules.

 

[BiBunny]

I get it. Well, he needs to understand that everyone cannot be kept happy with the desire to keep everyone happy and he needs to sit down and treat this as any other time management issue and literally make schedules.

For some reason, methinks the schedules will appeal to his "I wanna run shit" side. I'll suggest it.

 

[Chicklet]

*hugs* finally made it through the thread. i think maybe men just suck.

 

[graceanne]

If you're going to schedule things with him you and kitty might wanna sit down, before you sit down with him, and make a schedule of your own, so that she doesn't get neglected while you're trying to make things work with b.

 

[FurryFury]

If you're going to schedule things with him you and kitty might wanna sit down, before you sit down with him, and make a schedule of your own, so that she doesn't get neglected while you're trying to make things work with b.

That's how they do it on Big Love! The ladies set the schedule together first.

Fury