Turkey mishaps, anyone?

[Guest]

In my 'Divorce Story' thread Charley, Colly and I got around to talking about awful Thanksgiving dinner experiences. Charley's was about her mom preparing her first turkey at 18 and not turning the oven on. I cooked my first big bird at 19 and found it an unpleasant experience handling the corpse; now I find it funny everytime I spread its huge thighs to stuff it. Here's Colly's story:

When I first moved up here I stayed for a while with freinds. She was terribly irresponsibile and had to be the worlds worst cook. Apparently she saw her mother tossing in pinches of this and that and asumed that's how you cooked everything. Simply awful, but no one could convince her she wasn't the best cook in NYC.

She decided to cook a turkey for thanksgiving. Of course she didn't want my help, she was forever accusing me of "sourthernifying" her dishes. To everyone else that mean trying to make the edible

Anyway she opened the turkey and shoved it into the pan without even washing it. At this point I decided Micky De's would be a great thanksgiving venue and walked out. When I came back there was smoke pouring out f the oven and a smell that you just couldn't describe.

Apparently, she didn't feel comfortable handling the bird and shoved him into the oven with the innards still packed in their wax paper

Anyone else?

Perdita

 

[CharleyH]

I wish I could recount the story every time someone brings it up in the family, laughing to death. I have always done turkey well, dammit, particulary growing up with a Mother who set off the alarm any time she boiled eggs (literally, they exploded - on the roof!)

 

[BlackShanglan]

My mother swears that she once arrived at a friend's house for Christmas dinner to find the friend's younger brother rolling around the floor and howling with laughter, crying "Mom blew up the turkey!"

She'd stuffed it with sausage stuffing the night before - you know, like you're never supposed to do? Evidently bacterial action created a little pocket of gas - when she put it in to roast, it eventually blew the side out of the bird.

My mother's own personal best was much less impressive. In the early days of their marriage, my father employer came to dinner. He was passing the kitchen door just in time to see my mother bobble the chicken and send it rolling over the floor. Evidently there was an awful pause before he kindly told her he was fine with the "rinse and serve" protocol.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Oh, or there was the turkey cooked by next door neighbours of my erstwhile inlaws. They cooked it for Thanksgiving and served it, then set it on the side as we helped them clean up. I thought nothing much of it at first, but being something of a fanatic for food safety, I became more and more uncomfortable as the night wore on and the turkey stayed put.

Eventually, the next day, we stopped by about noon. There was the turkey, exactly where we'd left it. They cheerully welcomed us to lunch and began cutting slices from the thoroughly room-termperature bird.

*shudder*

 

[Sabledrake]

Best I can do is the time I strained my back. 25 pound bird packed with stuffing, heavy roasting pan, bent over to put it in the oven and ouch!

These days we cook the stuffing outside the bird because Alton Brown is our god ...

Sabledrake

 

[Bandit1]

Never try to cook a turkey while drunk.
A few years ago a former neighbor of mine tried that.

She decided that the turkey needed basting and poured an entire bottle of Jack Daniels over the bird, then shoved it back into the oven.
She checked the turkey a while later, (after still more drinking) and figured that the bird needed basting again. Being out of JD, she poured most of a bottle of cheap tequila over the turkey and back into the oven it went.
She went back to the couch where she passed out.
Hubby came home and found her on the couch and the turkey an inedible mess.

As I worked with the hubby at the time I heard all about it for months.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Nuttin' funny about a turkey, but my dad once let our 90 pound half german shepherd, half Malamute dog in my grandma's house and he (the dog) went into the spare room and ate the middle out of every single pie my grandma had made.

We all laughed our asses off, but my grandma was, needless to say, annoyed.

And we still ate the pies....

 

[carsonshepherd]

oops.

 

[Guest]

C'mon, there have to be more turkey stories out there. Euros: what do you or your family screw up? Did anyone's Yorkshire pudding ever turn out Manca?

Shang, I larfed loud at "Mom blew up the turkey!"

Perdita (going to bro's for big bird feast)

 

[BlackShanglan]

Carson, that brought back fond memories. One Easter my mother set a blueberry pie in the center of the dining room table to cool while we went to church. The plan was to go to the grandparents' after with the pie. We got home to find the whole pie scooped clean - nothing left but the bottom crust. And there was our white, fluffy dog, trying to look innocent and nonchalant, with blueberry smears all over his face as far back as the ears and a "What? Huh? What pie? I didn't see a pie." expression on his face.

Never let anyone tell you that dogs can't lie. They just can't do it very well.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

The thanksgiving that I was pregnant with my son, we were invited to my aunt and uncle's house for the meal. It was the first year my aunt had hosted it at her house. I dont think it was the first time she had cooked, but before we even got there, things were already starting to go wrong.

Since I was pregnant, she refused to let me make anything to bring along. When I got there, she was at church and had stuck things in the oven to cook while she was gone, leaving her teenage daughter in charge. My cousin, in a panic, told me that their double ovens weren't working and when she checked the side dishes, they were still cold.

After checking out the situation and not being able to get the oven to work, my cousin and I went about microwaving what could be microwaved. My aunt's parents lived next door, but were away in Florida. My cousin suggested that we take everything over there and put it in the oven. Of course we had to break into the house, since she didn't have a key. "They won't care," she said non-chalantly before climbing in their bedroom window!

Everything turned out ok, the side dishes got cooked and luckily my aunt had cooked the turkey the night before so all we had to do was heat it up in some broth. My aunt came home and before we could tell her about the oven problem, she burned up the motor on her mixer while making the mashed potatoes. She burst into tears and I took over with a potato masher. Needless to say, we didn't tell her about the oven drama until after dessert.

 

[TheEarl]

I had something of an accident with a chicken. Was home alone and decided to buy a big chicken to roast that would feed me for several days. Roasted it fine, ate for two/three days and then boiled up the carcass to make soup (I'm a student - I get the most out of my chickens).

Unfortunately, I'm also an insomniac and was in one of my periods of sleeplessness. Hadn't slept for 34 hours and suddenly came over ever so slightly faint. Sat down on my bed and crashed out for 8 hours.

I woke up to a rather unpleasant smell. The soup that I'd left simmering had boiled dry and I now had a horrible smell of burned pan, chicken, potatoes and onions filling the entire house. Ended up throwing the pan away and opening every single window. Took 3 days for the smell to dissipate.

The Earl

 

[EmeraldKitten]

Not a turkey story, but a Turkey Day Tale.


A couple years ago, we switched tradition. Normally, we had Thanksgiving dinner at my Grandma's.
Well, my wonderful mother got the brilliant idea of having Turkey Day here.
Everything went beautifully. My mom is the most organized perfectionist ever.
It was great, everyone had fun, hooray.

The next year, we had it again. One of my aunts is rather snooty, and hates animals.
Well, we had 6 cats and a dog.
So if you sit down, yes, collecting cat hair is a price you pay.
This particular aunt stuck her nose up at everything! A cat on the kitchen chair. Cat hair on her slacks.
She went to her car to get the supplies to make her candied yams, and my mom whispered to me, "I sure hope she doesn't find a cat hair on her plate."


Dinner is ready, so we all plop down to eat.
I watched in amusement as my aunt carefully exained her food, obviously fearing finding a cat hair.

Half way through the meal, my mom exlaimed, "I win the prize!" and holds up a cat hair she'd plucked from her plate.
Everyone bust out laughing, except Auntie, who had a look of revulsion on her face.
I noticed after my mom's announcement, that Auntie pushed her plate away, and didn't eat another bite.

 

[Guest]

I had something of an accident with a chicken.
...
I get the most out of my chickens.

Great lines, babe.

Pear

 

[TheEarl]

Great lines, babe.

Pear

First smile on my face all day. There's always got to be one person with the dirty mind, hasn't there?

The Earl

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I had something of an accident with a chicken.

I get the most out of my chickens.

I think you've misunderstood this, Earl - you're supposed to be after CHICKS, not CHICKENS.

 

[Guest]

Actually, Flicka, I think they call 'em birds in Britain. Maybe the chicken is a southern thing (you know, like sheep in Wales). P.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Actually, Flicka, I think they call 'em birds in Britain. Maybe the chicken is a southern thing (you know, like sheep in Wales). P.

You make me miss MG. Gotta write to her as soon as NaNo is over.

 

[Guest]

You make me miss MG. Gotta write to her as soon as NaNo is over.

Yeah, I miss her lots. Writing to her makes me think of those people who talk to coma patients and wonder if they can really hear you.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Maybe we should go to Cali and look her up, and then hug her real tight and tickle her?

 

[Guest]

Svenska, I've tried googling, even the Stanford physics and maths departments, but no luck. When I'm about in SF I look for her all the time. P.

 

[SlickTony]

and he (the dog) went into the spare room and ate the middle out of every single pie my grandma had made.

We've had similar stuff happen at our house, although not at Thanksgiving, thank God. But recently. I have a friend, a silver-haired Georgia lawyer, who hunts every year, and every year, I can count on at least a few packets of ground venison, which makes the best meatloaf you've ever eaten--it'll quite spoil you for regular meatloaf, i.e., made with beef.

Almost every cat I've ever had has thought venison was the greatest. Even if he's never had it before in his life, as soon as he gets a whiff of the stuff, he knows that's something that any right-thinking cat likes. My present black cat, Doc, is no exception. Plus, he's a counter-jumper. Nothing's safe to leave out in the kitchen. I should have known better than to leave the scrag end of the meatloaf on top the stove. Yes, I did find bites taken out of it. I ate it for lunch the next day anyway. Hell, I did heat it up.

The other cat eats bread.

I suppose the most disastrous thing I ever had happen in the kitchen was when I tried to cook split pea soup in a pressure cooker. Just imagine a green geyser shooting all the way to the ceiling. And while I thought at the time I'd gotten it all cleaned up, I was finding dried split pea much in the damnedest places weeks afterwards....

 

[carsonshepherd]

my german shepherd is a food snatcher from way back. We've taken $20 steaks out of that dog's mouth and washed them off and cooked them. My BF said there was no way he was throwing that steak away. I made sure he got the one with the tooth-prints on it!

 

[BlackShanglan]

Just imagine a green geyser shooting all the way to the ceiling. And while I thought at the time I'd gotten it all cleaned up, I was finding dried split pea much in the damnedest places weeks afterwards....

Brilliant image, Tony! I couldn't help laughing over the pea soup geyser and the lingering reminders throughout the kitchen.

 

[SlickTony]

We've taken $20 steaks out of that dog's mouth and washed them off and cooked them. My BF said there was no way he was throwing that steak away.

Hell, I wouldn't let a $20 steak go to the dogs, either!

I learned not to cook split pea soup in a pressure cooker ever again. In fact, IMO the best use for a pressure cooker is the final phase of the canning process. Better raw materials, nouvelle cuisine and better microwaves have rendered them obsolete for the most part, which is just as well, as mine needs a new weight and gasket and you can't just waltz into Service Merchandise and buy one anymore. But that's material for a whole 'nother rant...