Trying to regain my confidence as a dom

[AnnieLit]

It's not about caring. It's about mindfulness, attention, focus.

Yes, that ^^^.

Good intentions is a great start, but it's not enough, one also needs enough knowledge to actually keep everybody safe. There is nothing wrong with saying "I am not doing this because I don't have enough experience", it does not make one less of a dom.

 

[28straightguy]

I do have this little Staples Easy Botton here at the house that could work. Perhaps thats something we could try and see how it goes. As far as consent he has agreed before hand to it and has felt ok about the process afterwards.

So are you doing it again with him?

 

[AnnieLit]

So are you doing it again with him?

They already did, see comment #36.

 

[nikol285bbw]

So are you doing it again with him?

Yes we have. The 4 of us have sat down and got things worked out to where everyone is on the same page. Things just had to get worked out.

 

[nikol285bbw]

Just an update to this as I know quite a few were concerned. We been doing this pretty regularly and he is holding up ok with it. I think it was just a case he had to get some experience with it.

 

[Ropebunny]

Just an update to this as I know quite a few were concerned. We been doing this pretty regularly and he is holding up ok with it. I think it was just a case he had to get some experience with it.

Hmm, ‘holding up ok’ doesn’t really inspire confidence that he is happy and enthusiastic about it though, which with edge play like this he really needs to be.

I dunno, I still have concerns that the power dynamic between multiple dommes in this situation is neglecting the emotional needs of the sub...

 

[ssbbwkansasgirl]

Kansas girl here, not far from the Nebraska border. Been following this thread for awhile. Sounds like the OP has trained this guy to this particular type of play. I would be interested to get more information about this if you could. If you could please reach out to me.

 

[AnnieLit]

Kansas girl here, not far from the Nebraska border. Been following this thread for awhile. Sounds like the OP has trained this guy to this particular type of play. I would be interested to get more information about this if you could. If you could please reach out to me.

Has trained him in what? Not needing any air to breath?

You can train a sub on certain behaviors: to follow some protocol, address you in some special way, never to speak up first, wear or not wear certain things, stuff like that.
You can train a sub in some physical things: stretching comes to mind first, maybe pain tolerance too. Maybe getting over some of their fears and insecurities which might lead to some behavior modification as well.
But you can NOT train a person to not need any air!

The only one who got trained here was her, the domme. She needed to learn how to make the game safer, how not to take on more than she should. And she did learn something. Was it enough? Who knows, only time will tell, bur so far everybody is alive, which is always a good thing.

 

[nikol285bbw]

Kansas girl here, not far from the Nebraska border. Been following this thread for awhile. Sounds like the OP has trained this guy to this particular type of play. I would be interested to get more information about this if you could. If you could please reach out to me.

I responded to you PM. Sorry it took so long. Not been online the past few days. I sent you my contact info so we could talk more. I don't see any concerns with what you had brought up.

 

[Ropebunny]

I responded to you PM. Sorry it took so long. Not been online the past few days. I sent you my contact info so we could talk more. I don't see any concerns with what you had brought up.

Well this has taken an uncomfortable twist...

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

Really. No one else thinks this is fake?


Or, hopes it is?

I find it highly suspect and hope it's fake.

If it is real, the sub is not in a good place for engaging in play right now. What's described is transactional more than a relationship. Not only that, it's transactional without trust and apparently without safety precautions the first time. Transactional BDSM needs strict limits and strict precautions. If there's really a sub engaging in this, which I acknowledge is possible, then that person is in a very vulnerable and dangerous place. He needs a friend to help him see the danger in which he's placing himself, and I don't just mean the physical danger.

The idea of someone causing another person to pass out and stay that way while the smothering continued, and still wanting to get right back on that horse and charge full-steam ahead is appalling. This shouldn't be a how-do-i get-my-groove-back moment. It should be an oh-my-god-I-nearly-killed-someone moment. Doms make mistakes, but they have to take emotional responsibility for them. Figuring out how to do it again right away isn't taking any sort of responsibility.

If the disastrous encounter happened, which I admit is within the realm of possibility, it should have been a trigger for stopping and thinking about what happened, why it happened, and what the Domme needs to address within herself that allowed it to happen. What's described in the post seems like self-indulgence without restraint. It also sounds like the group dynamic between the Dommes may be rather unhealthy.

I generally try not to be this judgmental, but I genuinely find this thread troubling, not only because of the incident it describes, but for its normalization of it.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I find it highly suspect and hope it's fake.

If it is real, the sub is not in a good place for engaging in play right now. What's described is transactional more than a relationship. Not only that, it's transactional without trust and apparently without safety precautions the first time. Transactional BDSM needs strict limits and strict precautions. If there's really a sub engaging in this, which I acknowledge is possible, then that person is in a very vulnerable and dangerous place. He needs a friend to help him see the danger in which he's placing himself, and I don't just mean the physical danger.

The idea of someone causing another person to pass out and stay that way while the smothering continued, and still wanting to get right back on that horse and charge full-steam ahead is appalling. This shouldn't be a how-do-i get-my-groove-back moment. It should be an oh-my-god-I-nearly-killed-someone moment. Doms make mistakes, but they have to take emotional responsibility for them. Figuring out how to do it again right away isn't taking any sort of responsibility.

If the disastrous encounter happened, which I admit is within the realm of possibility, it should have been a trigger for stopping and thinking about what happened, why it happened, and what the Domme needs to address within herself that allowed it to happen. What's described in the post seems like self-indulgence without restraint. It also sounds like the group dynamic between the Dommes may be rather unhealthy.

I generally try not to be this judgmental, but I genuinely find this thread troubling, not only because of the incident it describes, but for its normalization of it.

I agree with you on all counts, except the last. This thread is filled with people calling her out for the dangerous behavior. The only person normalizing it is the OP who refuses to listen.

I have contemplated deleting the thread because I think it could be dangerous, although reading through it one would see all of the people calling out the behavior as dangerous and not informed, sane, and consensual BDSM. This thread has actually led to me wondering if a thread from a site like this has ever been used in criminal court as evidence.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

I agree with you on all counts, except the last. This thread is filled with people calling her out for the dangerous behavior. The only person normalizing it is the OP who refuses to listen.

I have contemplated deleting the thread because I think it could be dangerous, although reading through it one would see all of the people calling out the behavior as dangerous and not informed, sane, and consensual BDSM. This thread has actually led to me wondering if a thread from a site like this has ever been used in criminal court as evidence.

You're right, of course, about the people calling out the OP. I was really reacting to a couple of supporting comments, one defending the OP's actions, and a few neutral ones.

Personally, I think there's value in the thread as an example of what not to do and why to refrain from doing it. That's unless it becomes clear that it becomes clear that the real fetish is the posting.

I hope my comment didn't seem like I was taking issue with the moderation here. It's obviously much better monitored than most.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Personally, I think there's value in the thread as an example of what not to do and why to refrain from doing it. That's unless it becomes clear that it becomes clear that the real fetish is the posting.

This has been my conclusion as well. This does remain a thread that I look at every time it bumps back to the top, though.

I hope my comment didn't seem like I was taking issue with the moderation here. It's obviously much better monitored than most.

I didn’t take any offense. And thank you.

 

[Bramblethorn]

This thread has actually led to me wondering if a thread from a site like this has ever been used in criminal court as evidence.

Depends how broadly you define "like this", but there's plenty of precedent for a person's social media postings being used against them, and also precedent for things like BDSM contracts being used as evidence against the people involved. (See e.g. note 26 here: https://harvardlawreview.org/2014/12/nonbinding-bondage/.)

 

[KimGordon67]

I prevaricated about posting in this, but I'm going to add my voice to the mix ... there are some definite alarm bells in here. 'He let me tie him down' ... he was 'OK' about it afterwards ... none of this sounds like he's immensely keen. I think with anything like this, we need not just consent, but enthusiastic consent, especially if things aren't happening as part of an ongoing relationship in which you talk about stuff all the time.
I'm also concerned about the age difference. Nikol - you're 29, and he's 20. (I don't know how old the other women are.) I'm not saying it's inevitable, but it can be pretty difficult for a 20 year old to articulate themselves fully, especially when talking with people that much older than them. (And a 9 year difference is pretty huge when you're 20.)
The whole idea of letting someone I don't know (and who doesn't necessarily have some sort of emotional investment in my wellbeing) dominate me is pretty alien, so I'll admit there's aspects of this I'm confused by anyway. But there just seems to be some real power differentials here as well. As Annie said, if you're his actual dom, then maybe you could have a chat with him (not with the other women there, so it's a bit more equal) and see how's he's actually feeling about it all, not just whether he's 'technically' consenting. I'm picking he probably doesn't have a heap of other people to talk to about this stuff, and that he's probably not super experienced (in either d/s or just life in general). Going down the submissive path can be quite confusing, and I've found it's been really important to be able to talk to who ever's on the d side of my dynamic about what's going on - for both of us.
Also, it seems like a really good idea to do some actual research about what you're doing. The internet is full of information - there'll be some stuff out there about useful safety procedures etc. Admittedly, there is a lot of 'knee jerk' stuff, especially around breathplay, but the fact that he passed out would tend to suggest that the particular activities you're engaging really DO carry a high level of risk - you have clear empirical evidence of that. Just say 'we adjusted things a little bit' doesn't really seem like enough. Don't you think it's worth your time to find some actual information?
You're all young. Nothing has to happen in a super hurry.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Depends how broadly you define "like this", but there's plenty of precedent for a person's social media postings being used against them, and also precedent for things like BDSM contracts being used as evidence against the people involved. (See e.g. note 26 here: https://harvardlawreview.org/2014/12/nonbinding-bondage/.)

My ex attempted to use Lit against me in our divorce and custody battle. That was interesting. Basically his argument was the fact that I came to this site made me a bad mother. He was asked if he looked at internet porn, he laughed and unironically said yes. *

I’m definitely going to read the link you shared, bookmarking for later.

 

[IndianStallionForRide]

Find a another dont jump on his face... dont it slowly and ask him if he is ok thats it

 

[DVS]

I seriously doubt this is fake. Just because there are three BBW willing to take turns sitting on this man's body, that doesn't make them all dominant women.

Now, on to the situation. I think the OP has benefited from all of the posts here. At least I hope so. She found out the hard way that not enough was being done for the submissive, to guarantee his safety. That's her job and she wasn't doing it...in fact, everybody is lucky the guy is not dead.

And how well do any of these people know each other? How well do they know the man? How can they be sure he didn't suffer some minor brain damage when he was passed out. They admitted they didn't know when he passed out, and they don't know how long he was without oxygen before he passed out. It doesn't take long for the brain to be without oxygen before there is brain damage. If they were doing this for 2 hours, think of it this way. It only takes minutes without oxygen to cause brain damage.

I also don't like the idea of anybody starting this whole scenario without first thinking it through. The man was gagged and his face was covered and his chest also had enough weight on it that he couldn't inhale when he had the chance. There was no safe word? No way for him to say he was having a problem? No way for him to communicate at all, if he felt he was in danger? That's fucking insane. You said you lost your confidence as a dom, because of this? I'm sorry, but you really haven't thought this through enough to even think about doing it again. I don't care if you have done it since and he seems OK with it. He seemed OK with it before and look what happened?

Is he paying you for this scenario or are you just doing this for everyone's enjoyment? It doesn't seem like you have a relationship with this man, other than when in this scene and if that's the case, I'd assume you know very little about him. Does he have a heart condition? Would his age affect his health in this type of scene? Have you talked to him about any of this? You know, this is a form of breath play and people have died as a result of going too far in such situations. People who enjoy breath play will tell you they know exactly what's going on at any given time in their scene. They know what can happen.

Usually, what happens is after a while, you eventually get accustomed to the scene's reactions and you're not getting the same thrill as you once did. So, you take it a little longer, next time, to regain that thrill that you've lost over time. Do you know the problem with that? The thrill you gain is only a sexual thrill. The thrill is gained by depriving the submissive of breath to the point they come close to passing out, or actually do pass out.

After a period of time, you no longer get that same thrill and so you deprive the submissive of breath for a bit longer, to regain that sexual thrill you desire. You might end up OK this time, and maybe the next time, but sooner or later, there comes a point of no return. The human body can go without breath for a finite amount of time. It's not the same for every person, but that's part of the problem. There are no real set times. But, with everybody, there is one set time where there is no coming back. And you don't know for sure, how long that time is, until you've experienced it. But with most people, it's only about four minutes. And once you've reached that point, the submissive is brain damaged or dead.

You've already come close with this man, causing him to pass out. And you don't even know how long he was without breath. Since you don't know how long he was without breath, you are playing with his life by doing this same process again. You say you've been doing this for 2 fucking hours? Is this non-stop, without any breaks during this 2 hours? Is there a purpose for this amount of time? Is it his desire? Is it your desire? Are you all just playing along, wondering how long he can last each time and 2 hours is the top so far?

Why two big women on him at once? Didn't it start with just one? Like I said, the thrill is only sexual. The physical body can only handle so much before it gives out. And what does the third woman do? You said she is watching for his safety? What is she watching for? Is she even really watching, or is she just enjoying the scene? If she's suppose to be watching to make sure he's OK, that's what she's suppose to be doing. And if you all take turns at this job, you all need to understand what issues could come up. If any of you don't do your job correctly, he could be in serious danger.

Personally, I don't indulge in breath play. Its not my thing. But, I do understand that it's a fetish of many. But, there have been deaths from breath play, so that's why safety should come first and foremost. And I mean serious safety precautions should be talked about, worked out and adhered to. Safe words, safe signals, periodic breaks to give him a rest, and even hydration breaks.

So, I'm not saying you shouldn't continue doing this. I know you will do what you will, no matter what you read in this thread. But, I do hope you understand that many of us think you regained your confidence as a dom a little too fast. Personally, I don't think you are a dom. A dom is educated enough to know the basic rules of a scene. The dom is in charge of the health and safety of the submissive. You failed in that job at least once, and you will more than likely fail again. It's just a matter of time.

Like I said above...this is a sexual thrill for you. With some fetishes, you can increase the level of that thrill and come out OK. But, with breath play, you can't always do that. With breath play, you are always limited to the physical limits of the body. And you've seen a little of that, already. I don't think you are worthy of the label dom and I think you are on your way to cause something dangerous in what you're doing. For everyone involved in this scene you're engaged in...I hope I'm wrong.

 

[jag5555]

hope you are okay

 

[NomDeGrrrr]

Last week I had a bad experience with this guy who has been being my sub for the past few months. I am a 29 year old BBW(315 lb). He is 20, 5'6", 135. I had been having him over once a week and doing face sitting/smothering with him. He has been letting me tie him down to this bench I have and putting a ball gag in his mouth. Through practice we came to realize he could withstand me sitting on his face for about 2 minutes before needing to regain his breath. Our session last between 30 to 60 minutes. Things had been going fine with this until last week when we let another woman join us. I was sitting on his face like I normally do while she was sitting on his mid section. She is about 50 lbs heavier than I am. I feel its my fault for not considering the complications of this woman sitting on him would cause as far as him being able to fully get his breaths back during the points I let up on him. After a little more than a half hour of doing this the guy ended up passing out. Thankfully he came back out of it quickly but it could have been much worse. We really don't know at what point he had passed out but it must not had been that long. He doesn't blame us for this but I just feel horrible about it. My confidence as a dominatrix has been shaken. He is willing to give this another try this weekend with me and the woman again but at this point I don't feel that is a good idea. Any advice to regain confidence after an experience t like this?

Instead of a disaster you had the opportunity to receive a lesson .

Now you'd be the person I'd choose first if that was my thing.

We're all imperfect. In a general sense if you worry excessively about a mistake you might nit get past it.

 

[bananafishiex]

Really. No one else thinks this is fake?

Or, hopes it is?

Having chatted with "her" on Literotica Chat, yes, I 100% think it is fake. It seems obvious to me this is some guy who is a fatty chaser with a breathplay fetish trying to get into conversations about it.

 

[crafty2]

chair

what about just using a kinky chair so you don't have to worry about the breathing not happening anymore?

 

[Justplatonic]

what about just using a kinky chair so you don't have to worry about the breathing not happening anymore?

^^^^^^ That's some nice lateral thinking, and its clear you need to re-evaluate your session/scene. He clearly loves your bottom in his face, using a kinky chair or a queening chair as crafty2 stated is a great idea. Or even just bending over as you stand, and he smothers himself (as he kneels behind you) at his leisure into your bottom would be way safer. At least he isn't trapped between two immovable objects. And he can then self regulate his own breathing. In this instance you can be the only Domme in the room as well.

Is it less edgy? Of course. Domme's spend years honing their skills, because admit or not, your sub's life is in your hands. That's a responsibility not to be taken lightly in matters such as this. You've been lucky thus far, but otherwise if you feel pressured by the sub and the other Dommes to edge, just call it a day? Walk away. No shame in that. Why do you have to continue?

 

[brightsmile]

I think the OP was lucky. Can't there just be one of you on the sub at one time and the three of you rotate? I feel the sub is just going to go along with whatever you tell him to do. This is not safe.