Trying to regain my confidence as a dom

[ToPleaseHim]

Last week I had a bad experience with this guy who has been being my sub for the past few months. I am a 29 year old BBW(315 lb). He is 20, 5'6", 135. I had been having him over once a week and doing face sitting/smothering with him. He has been letting me tie him down to this bench I have and putting a ball gag in his mouth. Through practice we came to realize he could withstand me sitting on his face for about 2 minutes before needing to regain his breath. Our session last between 30 to 60 minutes. Things had been going fine with this until last week when we let another woman join us. I was sitting on his face like I normally do while she was sitting on his mid section. She is about 50 lbs heavier than I am.I feel its my fault for not considering the complications of this woman sitting on him would cause as far as him being able to fully get his breaths back during the points I let up on him. After a little more than a half hour of doing this the guy ended up passing out. Thankfully he came back out of it quickly but it could have been much worse. We really don't know at what point he had passed out but it must not had been that long. He doesn't blame us for this but I just feel horrible about it. My confidence as a dominatrix has been shaken. He is willing to give this another try this weekend with me and the woman again but at this point I don't feel that is a good idea. Any advice to regain confidence after an experience t like this?

Are you familiar with the acronym SSC? It stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Being the dominant partner is not license to do whatever the hell you want. He is a person and you need his informed consent. Additionally, if you are trying any activities that could have adverse reactions, you need to do some research. You are at fault and so is she. Common sense tells me that the two of you sitting on him could cause some real damage, and it seems he was left in a position where he couldn’t safe word or safe signal. You don’t even know at what point he passed out?!? Do some research and make sure he is able to communicate if he’s in distress.

 

[nikol285bbw]

Are you familiar with the acronym SSC? It stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Being the dominant partner is not license to do whatever the hell you want. He is a person and you need his informed consent. Additionally, if you are trying any activities that could have adverse reactions, you need to do some research. You are at fault and so is she. Common sense tells me that the two of you sitting on him could cause some real damage, and it seems he was left in a position where he couldn’t safe word or safe signal. You don’t even know at what point he passed out?!? Do some research and make sure he is able to communicate if he’s in distress.

He has consented to try it again. I feel we are taking adequate safety precautions.

 

[cookiecat]

He has consented to try it again. I feel we are taking adequate safety precautions.

You haven't taken anyone's advice or suggestions at all.

There's been a chorus of folks saying this is a bad idea.

Just so you can get your rocks off.

I'm all for edge play. I enjoy breath play. So I don't think I'm being unreasonable in reiterating safety always.

I get that you don't have to do what anyone here says. But I didn't see anything from you indicating you're serious about his safety. Your answer is to add a third who will switch off smothering this guy.

 

[Todger65]

He has consented to try it again. I feel we are taking adequate safety precautions.

Don’t forget to come back and tell us when you have to call 911 and have him pronounced brain damaged due to lack of oxygen, cracked ribs etc.

As others have said a true Dom(me) will not do anything that is dangerous or life threatening, even if the sub mistakenly agrees.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

He has consented to try it again. I feel we are taking adequate safety precautions.

Your feeling won’t hold up in court. *shrug*

 

[AnnieLit]

He has consented to try it again. I feel we are taking adequate safety precautions.

I would say that adding the third woman, especially given that the three of you will be taking turns, makes things MORE risky, not less... Who is his Domme? Who does he have a relationship with? Probably you, right? Than his safety is YOUR responsibility! Not any other domme you might invite over and not his. You are the only one responsible for him getting out of there in one piece.

You are talking over and over about how fair it will be that you switch your roles around, but it looks like neither one of you stopped to think what this will really mean. What will happen is that NOBODY will be responsible for anything. The waiting one will be more concerned with her getting off and watching the clock till the next switch than with what's going on with him.

As for him consenting... No, he did not. First of all, he can't possibly consent to something he was not told about. Plus... SSC includes "sane" for a reason -- just because he is not aware of how risky what you are doing is, does not mean that you still could or should do it. Nobody can consent to dying, at least not in a BDSM scene.

 

[melimelissa]

strong foundations

I smell bullshit.

With all those pounding
pounds, I suggest very strong
foundations might help

Méli

https://media.tenor.co/images/fe3a284f1dd263f8403be2c924b05582/raw

 

[Bramblethorn]

Are you familiar with the acronym SSC? It stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Being the dominant partner is not license to do whatever the hell you want. He is a person and you need his informed consent. Additionally, if you are trying any activities that could have adverse reactions, you need to do some research. You are at fault and so is she. Common sense tells me that the two of you sitting on him could cause some real damage, and it seems he was left in a position where he couldn’t safe word or safe signal. You don’t even know at what point he passed out?!? Do some research and make sure he is able to communicate if he’s in distress.

Yeah, this.

You had a thing that, by your account, was working. Then you added a second domme, and that complicated things and made it dangerous in a way you didn't foresee. I'm not convinced that "add a third domme" is going to do anything but make it more complicated and more dangerous. It's like the woman who swallowed a fly - fixing one problem can create new ones.

One of the most common reasons bad accidents happen is communication failure. The more people you have involved and the more complex your setup, the easier it is for those failures, especially when people are meant to be switching roles between "safety supervisor" and "sexy crushdomme" mid-scene. You don't want to be in a post-mortem hearing people say "no, I wasn't watching him, I thought YOU were watching him".

(Seriously, so many fatal screwups happen because of botched "handover of responsibility" events. Old shift forgot to tell new shift that they left the power on, yada yada.)

There are areas of BDSM where you can afford to learn by trial and error. This is not one of them, and I'm not sure anybody in this thread has the experience to tell you with certainty how you can do it safely. What you're doing goes well outside most people's experiences with breath play.

If you're determined to do it, I would recommend seeking out a professional dom/me who is experienced in this area and who understands physiology.

 

[nikol285bbw]

Despite everyone's put downs here today this afternoon we met with him and it went relatively well. We were able to push his limits without him being in danger of passing out. There were occasions where he was struggling some with the sitting on his chest and stomach but he was able to work his way thru it. We were able to get about 2 hours out of him. He stuck around afterwards, had a couple of beers and then went on his way. I have got my confidence back now.

 

[ashkitten]

Despite everyone's put downs here today this afternoon we met with him and it went relatively well. We were able to push his limits without him being in danger of passing out. There were occasions where he was struggling some with the sitting on his chest and stomach but he was able to work his way thru it. We were able to get about 2 hours out of him. He stuck around afterwards, had a couple of beers and then went on his way. I have got my confidence back now.

So what did you do to avoid repeating the last time>

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Despite everyone's put downs here today this afternoon we met with him and it went relatively well. We were able to push his limits without him being in danger of passing out. There were occasions where he was struggling some with the sitting on his chest and stomach but he was able to work his way thru it. We were able to get about 2 hours out of him. He stuck around afterwards, had a couple of beers and then went on his way. I have got my confidence back now.

Put downs? We were concerned people, asking questions and advising caution.

Reading your posts has me feeling pulled to reach out to my dominant exes and current partner and thank them for prioritizing my safety. I have been one lucky sub.

 

[PaxNurgle]

Nebraska. We have no stay at home order

No stay at home order? Dang, I wanna move to Nebraska now. Everywhere else in the US is like living in North Korea.

While I think a lot of people were a little too hard on you; certainly more judgemental than I would have liked, I think the point you were trying to get across was this: You obviously by your own admission made a mistake, that involved a dangerous activity that was taken too far. Any activities that can seriously injure or kill someone are not something to take lightly. And you learned from your mistake, and hopefully you can filter through all the negativity in the posts directed at you and can glean some positive advice from all of this and become a better dom. I think as a result, you will regain your confidence by knowing you are a better and more experienced dommme.

 

[nikol285bbw]

No stay at home order? Dang, I wanna move to Nebraska now. Everywhere else in the US is like living in North Korea.

While I think a lot of people were a little too hard on you; certainly more judgemental than I would have liked, I think the point you were trying to get across was this: You obviously by your own admission made a mistake, that involved a dangerous activity that was taken too far. Any activities that can seriously injure or kill someone are not something to take lightly. And you learned from your mistake, and hopefully you can filter through all the negativity in the posts directed at you and can glean some positive advice from all of this and become a better dom. I think as a result, you will regain your confidence by knowing you are a better and more experienced dommme.

Perhaps so. I just got offended reading some of the posts suggesting we would be too into our own emotions during this not to care about his safety. We took steps that we felt were best to assure his safety. That meant having a 3rd person present. In the interest of fairness it was agreed that this 3rd person could also participate. We were all fully aware of our size differences compared to him. That is what is part of the excitement. We came away quite impressed with the guy that he could hold up doing this for 2 hours. He probably could have went for a bit more but it was our decision to stop it at that time.

 

[28straightguy]

Despite everyone's put downs here today this afternoon we met with him and it went relatively well. We were able to push his limits without him being in danger of passing out. There were occasions where he was struggling some with the sitting on his chest and stomach but he was able to work his way thru it. We were able to get about 2 hours out of him. He stuck around afterwards, had a couple of beers and then went on his way. I have got my confidence back now.

I am glad you had fun and got some confidence back. I myself wouldn't like this but if he is ok with it there is nothing wrong about you women doing it with him. I cant even imagine the sensation he must have felt having the weight of 2 women such as yourselves on him at once. I am happy the 3 of you were able to have a good time.

 

[Ropebunny]

Perhaps so. I just got offended reading some of the posts suggesting we would be too into our own emotions during this not to care about his safety. We took steps that we felt were best to assure his safety. That meant having a 3rd person present. In the interest of fairness it was agreed that this 3rd person could also participate. We were all fully aware of our size differences compared to him. That is what is part of the excitement. We came away quite impressed with the guy that he could hold up doing this for 2 hours. He probably could have went for a bit more but it was our decision to stop it at that time.

There is not enough consideration of what the sub feels is safe in this post. Is he part of this ‘we’ or is that just the dommes? What you are doing is risky - just because no one died last time doesn’t mean that they won’t the next, if you insist of continuing to apply large amount of pressure to two body areas associated with breathing over the span of hours. Have you considered what his blood oxygen levels might be at the end of your play and whether it is ethical to take a person to that state? Especially considering the state of the world at the moment. Anything could happen - you are flying blind (and you don’t even see it!) I hope you are prepared for the fallout of what would happen if something went wrong.

This whole thing sounds fucking absurd to me and I’d want no fucking part of it.

 

[AnnieLit]

You felt offended? Good! This means that you actually read what people wrote and understood at least part of it. The idea that what we said was meant to show you how it looks from the outside was lost on you, and this is not so good, but not that unexpected.

I looked back through your OP and comments and finally figured out why this whole thing bothers me so much. Well, besides the fact that what you are doing is very risky and none of the four of you being aware of it. Yes, four, I don't think your sub understands it either. But the thing that is completely missing in your set-up is the consent.

Somehow you think that just the sub coming to you for this type of play is synonymous to him giving you his consent and that's it, you don't need to bother with it after he enters the room. It is not so, consent has to be continuous, the sub always needs to be able to stop the scene. Safe words exist for a reason, during any kind of play the dom has the power to control what is happening and how, and the sub has the power to control if it is happening at all. At EVERY fucking moment! It is your job to make sure that you do not overstep and not take that power away from the sub, because if you do ... well, the whole thing becomes a rape.

I am a switch, so can talk about it from both sides. On the dominant side for me this is never an issue as I don't use gags, I like to hear the exact effect I have on the sub. On the sub side... Every dom that I ever got to the point of talking over the specifics with, made a point of mentioning that if I am ever restrained and gagged, I will hold something in my hand to use in place of my safe word. EVERY single one of them! Before your post, I did not even realize that it was not a given...

With your set-up, though, it looks like your sub does not have an option to stop you. Gagged or not, he can't speak, because I would assume you are covering his mouth as well. And his hands are most likely completely restrained by the thighs of the woman sitting on his chest. So even if he had something in his hand, he could not possibly drop it -- the object would stay lodged between his body and her leg untill she stands up.

And THIS what worries me the most -- he does not have any way out. At all. Which means, there is no continuous consent.

Is there a way to fix it? Maybe, I am not sure... A remote to switch your TV on? That might work if the "on" button is really big one or if you put a tape over all the other buttons, so he could easily feel where he needs to press. Or a remote to his car, if it is parked right outside and still in range for the panic button to work.

Whatever you come up with will not be instead of you watching him closely, if passes out he is not going to signal you to stop, but it is something that will bring at least little bit of sanity to this scene.

Update: was thinking about the technical side and realized why I had an image of something small with just one large button in the middle -- it's a wireless doorbell! The sound part plugs into any outlet and the button part has a battery, but it lasts forever, mine been working for a couple years now. Something like this:
Amazon.

 

[nikol285bbw]

You felt offended? Good! This means that you actually read what people wrote and understood at least part of it. The idea that what we said was meant to show you how it looks from the outside was lost on you, and this is not so good, but not that unexpected.

I looked back through your OP and comments and finally figured out why this whole thing bothers me so much. Well, besides the fact that what you are doing is very risky and none of the four of you being aware of it. Yes, four, I don't think your sub understands it either. But the thing that is completely missing in your set-up is the consent.

Somehow you think that just the sub coming to you for this type of play is synonymous to him giving you his consent and that's it, you don't need to bother with it after he enters the room. It is not so, consent has to be continuous, the sub always needs to be able to stop the scene. Safe words exist for a reason, during any kind of play the dom has the power to control what is happening and how, and the sub has the power to control if it is happening at all. At EVERY fucking moment! It is your job to make sure that you do not overstep and not take that power away from the sub, because if you do ... well, the whole thing becomes a rape.

I am a switch, so can talk about it from both sides. On the dominant side for me this is never an issue as I don't use gags, I like to hear the exact effect I have on the sub. On the sub side... Every dom that I ever got to the point of talking over the specifics with, made a point of mentioning that if I am ever restrained and gagged, I will hold something in my hand to use in place of my safe word. EVERY single one of them! Before your post, I did not even realize that it was not a given...

With your set-up, though, it looks like your sub does not have an option to stop you. Gagged or not, he can't speak, because I would assume you are covering his mouth as well. And his hands are most likely completely restrained by the thighs of the woman sitting on his chest. So even if he had something in his hand, he could not possibly drop it -- the object would stay lodged between his body and her leg untill she stands up.

And THIS what worries me the most -- he does not have any way out. At all. Which means, there is no continuous consent.

Is there a way to fix it? Maybe, I am not sure... A remote to switch your TV on? That might work if the "on" button is really big one or if you put a tape over all the other buttons, so he could easily feel where he needs to press. Or a remote to his car, if it is parked right outside and still in range for the panic button to work.

Whatever you come up with will not be instead of you watching him closely, if passes out he is not going to signal you to stop, but it is something that will bring at least little bit of sanity to this scene.

Update: was thinking about the technical side and realized why I had an image of something small with just one large button in the middle -- it's a wireless doorbell! The sound part plugs into any outlet and the button part has a battery, but it lasts forever, mine been working for a couple years now. Something like this:
Amazon.

I do have this little Staples Easy Botton here at the house that could work. Perhaps thats something we could try and see how it goes. As far as consent he has agreed before hand to it and has felt ok about the process afterwards.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I do have this little Staples Easy Botton here at the house that could work. Perhaps thats something we could try and see how it goes. As far as consent he has agreed before hand to it and has felt ok about the process afterwards.

This is absolutely terrifying. You read Annie’s well-thought out post in which she explain why consent during is essential, and this is your response? You are not prepared for the level of play in which you are engaging. His life is at risk. And if the worst happens, you’ve laid out the prosecution’s case right here in this forum. Proudly. Offended at those trying to offer rational guidance. Ignorance is not bliss when you are risking someone’s life.

 

[AnnieLit]

I do have this little Staples Easy Botton here at the house that could work. Perhaps thats something we could try and see how it goes. As far as consent he has agreed before hand to it and has felt ok about the process afterwards.

"Agreed" as in you asked and he said OK or it was his own idea? If you asked for it, I don't think he really had much choice -- to him it was most likely either he agrees or does not get to play at all, even though you might not meant it this way.

If he was the one that said "no, I don't need any safe word, I trust you" it's a different story. But it's a bit like you don't ask kids if they want a shot, you, as a parent, just take them to the doctor, because they are not capable of making that decision on their own yet. Same here -- how much experience did he have with submission before he met you? At 20 living in Nebraska, my guess would be none or very close to that.
Are there people that go all in without any safety net? Yes. In porn! But fantasyland and the real life are not one and the same.

Staples button... yes, good thinking! it might actually work. Just test it in your set-up -- ask him to press it, say, 30 seconds in and see what happens. And, please, always keep in mind that him NOT pressing the button does not mean much, you are still the one responsible for his safety.

 

[nikol285bbw]

"Agreed" as in you asked and he said OK or it was his own idea? If you asked for it, I don't think he really had much choice -- to him it was most likely either he agrees or does not get to play at all, even though you might not meant it this way.

If he was the one that said "no, I don't need any safe word, I trust you" it's a different story. But it's a bit like you don't ask kids if they want a shot, you, as a parent, just take them to the doctor, because they are not capable of making that decision on their own yet. Same here -- how much experience did he have with submission before he met you? At 20 living in Nebraska, my guess would be none or very close to that.
Are there people that go all in without any safety net? Yes. In porn! But fantasyland and the real life are not one and the same.

Staples button... yes, good thinking! it might actually work. Just test it in your set-up -- ask him to press it, say, 30 seconds in and see what happens. And, please, always keep in mind that him NOT pressing the button does not mean much, you are still the one responsible for his safety.

When this 1st started between him and me is was more of an oral sex thing. Eventually he started asking me to "sit down" on him.
I am big so I was hesitant but he kept insisting he was all right. This is not all one sided as some seem to think. I think between his no longer being bagged and using this bell it will give him better commication

 

[Ropebunny]

When this 1st started between him and me is was more of an oral sex thing. Eventually he started asking me to "sit down" on him.
I am big so I was hesitant but he kept insisting he was all right. This is not all one sided as some seem to think. I think between his no longer being bagged and using this bell it will give him better commication

No one here thinks this is one sided - if it was we’d be calling it abuse (and that would be accurate). You’ve been bagging him while doing this as well?!?! Have you been monitoring his body temperature throughout? I don’t believe you know enough about what you are doing to keep anyone in this situation safe. Please, please consider that. We aren’t trying to be Buzz Killingtons, it’s just no one should get (really) hurt during play and you’ve already managed that once. You need to improve your communication with yourself i.e. why have I been willing to do this without considering ALL aspects of safety (both physical and mental). If you can’t answer that than you have much bigger problems...

 

[nikol285bbw]

No one here thinks this is one sided - if it was we’d be calling it abuse (and that would be accurate). You’ve been bagging him while doing this as well?!?! Have you been monitoring his body temperature throughout? I don’t believe you know enough about what you are doing to keep anyone in this situation safe. Please, please consider that. We aren’t trying to be Buzz Killingtons, it’s just no one should get (really) hurt during play and you’ve already managed that once. You need to improve your communication with yourself i.e. why have I been willing to do this without considering ALL aspects of safety (both physical and mental). If you can’t answer that than you have much bigger problems...

Gagged, not bagged

 

[Bramblethorn]

Perhaps so. I just got offended reading some of the posts suggesting we would be too into our own emotions during this not to care about his safety.

It's not about caring. It's about mindfulness, attention, focus.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Really. No one else thinks this is fake?


Or, hopes it is?

I hope it is fake. And I am ever reassured by the community responses.

 

[cookiecat]

Really. No one else thinks this is fake?


Or, hopes it is?

The only reason I thought fake is because we hear how difficult it is for male subs to find female dominants. In some town in Nebraska there are 3 ready to go. Crazy.

But no - hard to say if it is or not. Here's hoping other readers take away good info from the thread.