Trying to learn the rules.

[mikeperk]

Just found this forum.

Wonder how much else I've missed!

Joined up a couple of weeks ago & posted a couple of stories but feedback is slow.

How about checking out my tale 'The Initiation' (http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=151248) & letting me know what you think?

Is it worth submitting more?

 

[Guest]

Promissing.

Summary: Young innocent boy and super-horney young girl (guess what happens).

Warning - British lingo.

 

[Guest]

Yanno, since it ended with the girl going away to become a nun, you can make Joe several years older and more experienced when he re-unites with the girl and tempts her away from Jesus and all other nonsense that comes with God and stuff.

God bless America, by the way.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The ending was cute but I almost didn't make it that far because the beginning read too much like an idealized teenage wet dream: too good to be true, so no suspense or drama, and nothing to keep me reading.

You write well, but I would really be careful about using too many cliches and common figures of speech in your prose. They make the writing (and therefore the story) seem kind of dull.

Cute though.

---dr.M.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I found it quite amusing. It could almost be a Viz strip, with the bumbling boy saying 'Oo-er' and 'Crikey' as Sarah pops up in ever more embarrassing places. As such, the slightly cliched language didn't bother me: it's not like it was making descriptions dull. It seemed to work for conveying Joe's heightened frustration and thoughts, and it also fitted the comic punch at the end.

 

[stray_girl]

I almost stopped reading the story in the middle of the first paragraph because, as dr. M says, it reads like an idealized teenage wet dream. I feel the story would have been more suspenseful and intriguing had Sarah's seduction been more subtle. For example, when Sarah is on the ladder the story reads, "...he had a full view of her shapely buttocks while reflecting on the lack of underwear." Do you really get a full view trying to look up a woman's skirt without being noticed? Why not something like "...looking up, he immediately realized that he was staring straight up Sarah's dress. The young man tried not to stare, but couldn't help himself as he gazed up the length of her long, shapely legs and even caught a glimpse of her well-formed buttocks. It appeared she was lacking underwear, but he couldn't get a closer look without giving himself away."

Also, lines like this, in this context, really turn me off, "Sarah sat on the floor with her legs outstretched, slowly massaging the hirsute mound and watching her companion carefully for a reaction." It just doesn't seem plausible blatantly playing with herself like that. I think you could have achieved the effect you wanted with a less obvious ploy. Maybe with something like: "Sarah stopped in the narrow doorway as the young man tried to pass through forcing her body to brush up against his. He could feel the soft flesh of her breasts pressing against his arm and smell the intoxicating scent of her perfume as he passed by her. As he continued through Sarah watched her companion closely trying to gauge his reaction."

Anyway, who am I? It's your story. I liked the plot and the themes. I also like the way you describe what's going on and your variety of word choice. Maybe you were trying for something different, but I would urge more subtlety in Sarah's seduction. Less is more.

Genna

 

[Guest]

I found it quite amusing. It could almost be a Viz strip, with the bumbling boy saying 'Oo-er' and 'Crikey' as Sarah pops up in ever more embarrassing places. As such, the slightly cliched language didn't bother me: it's not like it was making descriptions dull. It seemed to work for conveying Joe's heightened frustration and thoughts, and it also fitted the comic punch at the end.

Vicky, is that you?

 

[Match Made In Heaven]

Sounds like good comments all. If you post a rewrite, be sure to let us know

The feedback you've gotten on this board has certainly made me interested in checking out your story.

I would say, from the fine feedback from some of lits best that *yes* it is deffinatly worth it to continue.

 

[Guest]

a.k.a. nastynfat.

How's life?