Trying not to be bitter...

[blondie74]

But I just can't help myself anymore.

My sister in law refuses to let me have any contact with my brother or their kids. It's been going on for several years now, and it's driving me absolutely batty. She's an absolute nut. She only tolerates any members of my family in her home, and has been insanely rude to every single member of my family. My parents have been so good to them, babysitting and giving them land to build a house on.

I tried in vain, to fix the situation 3 years ago, my mother seemed to think that she just needed to vent. So, I sat, like an idiot on the phone, and let her scream at me for about an hour. She basically thinks that I'm to blame for all of the problems in her marriage to my brother, and doesn't like anything about me. So, I apologized for a bunch of stuff that I didn't do, and we were on speaking terms for about a month.

Then one day at work, she starts IM'ing me accusing me of beating her kids. (Her daughter was going through a phase where she would walk around saying that people hit her!) I would absolutely never. I couldn't even believe it. Not to mention the fact that since I hadn't been allowed anywhere near the kid for 2 years at that point....l

My mother keeps saying, "God will work it out...you just have to let him handle it". I'm not sure I buy it.

I've tried everything, apologizing, living on the other side of the country, trying to forget that I have a brother to make the pain go away. But, it really gets to me.

Not only am I missing out on seeing my nieces grow up, but my brother is no longer a part of my life. I haven't seen or talked to him in over 2 years, he wasn't even "allowed" to come to my wedding.

Would you be bitter? How would you handle the pain of losing a sibling to this maniac?

 

[Vixandra]

Ouchies, no real advice Blondie, but I do hope things get better for you.

 

[Mr.G]

Providing

your version of the story is the truth then you have done everything you could. She sounds like a complete psycho. Your brother is obviously terrified of the bitch and knows it isn't worth standing up to her. Don't forget HE has to share the house with her every night. You just spent an hour on the phone with her - can you imagine what he goes through if he stands up to her rants?

Some people really are miserable, paranoid freaks and although it hurts "losing" a brother and the neices / nephews it is just something that happens and you have to accept it. Except for a fast moving dump truck and a slow moving sister-in-law she isn't going to change either. She'll probably get worse in fact as she gets older and her fangs get worn down.

Sad situation but it nuffin you can really do.

I went trhough something similar. I was never allowed to get close to my nephews not because the mother was a psycho but because she knew her hubby was a bity of a dork and the kids always liked me more than their own dad. They told me that several times and the hardest thing I ever had to do was verbally slam the oldest boy one aft when he told me that in front of his dad.

I really missed being close to them but there was nothing I could do and had to accept it.

Your option of leaving them the alone alone should be a lot easier for you because avoiding this psycho witch should be a priority in your life!

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I wouldn't be bitter. I would be angry. And not at HER, either. I'd be angry at my brother for being such a dumbass welcome mat, and allowing her to treat his family like that.


But then, I'm not someone who just lets people be stupid without commenting. He's your family. It is HIM you should be angry with.

 

[werbl]

Have you tried contacting your brother directly? I assume they're not together all the time, maybe call him at work? On his cell phone? Or maybe you could write a letter addressed to him. If you do make contact, I'd reccomend explaining yourself like you did here. I wouldn't bother with the sis in-law. She sounds way too irrational and you probably won't make any progress. I'm not sure how your brother feels about you, but I bet he'd be much more understanding and compassionate. What do you think?

 

[blondie74]

Have you tried contacting your brother directly? I assume they're not together all the time, maybe call him at work? On his cell phone? Or maybe you could write a letter addressed to him. If you do make contact, I'd reccomend explaining yourself like you did here. I wouldn't bother with the sis in-law. She sounds way too irrational and you probably won't make any progress. I'm not sure how your brother feels about you, but I bet he'd be much more understanding and compassionate. What do you think?

I do make occassional contact with my brother via my mother, I'll send a birthday card or something of that nature, and then when she can get him alone, she'll give it to him. Ridiculous isn't it? At any rate, he'll tell my mom to tell me that he loves me and hello, but it just doesn't make up for being able to see him and spend time with him.

On the rare occassions when I'm home, his wife doesn't let him out of her sight, so that means I don't get to see him at all. She goes out of her way to call off work and be constantly around.

He knows how I feel, he pretty much agrees that this whole situation is beyond ridiculous. He tells my mom all the time how tired he is of it. And he's tried to talk to his wife about it, she just refuses to listen and threatens to take the kids (which are the only good thing in his life) and leave him.

I know it's a tough situation to give advice for, because the situation is just so psychotic....and unbelievably childish. So, I do appreciate the feedback!

 

[blondie74]

I wouldn't be bitter. I would be angry. And not at HER, either. I'd be angry at my brother for being such a dumbass welcome mat, and allowing her to treat his family like that.


But then, I'm not someone who just lets people be stupid without commenting. He's your family. It is HIM you should be angry with.

Oh yeah, went through that stage too!! Everyone always says, "why doesn't he just divorce the bitch?" Which is what he should do. However, he's extrememly old fashioned, and believed that when he got married, he got married for life, for better or worse.

 

[fgarvb1]

Ok.

I'm going to assume your a female because I don't know it if you are not.

Now I'm just an Ole country boy and nowadays I seek peace and quite and try to let god take care of it.

Now, Having said that, you know...sometimes a ASS KICKING is in order.

 

[blondie74]

Ok.

I'm going to assume your a female because I don't know it if you are not.

You are correct!

 

[sheath]

Oh yeah, went through that stage too!! Everyone always says, "why doesn't he just divorce the bitch?" Which is what he should do. However, he's extrememly old fashioned, and believed that when he got married, he got married for life, for better or worse.

Wow...

I don't blame you for being bitter, angry, all those things...how could you NOT be? But it does seem like all the avenues are being cut off...not only to your brother, but BY your brother.

I don't know what to say, other than what I'm sure you already know...that the situation won't change until he gets on his own feet and chooses to change it himself.



I sympathize, blondie.

S.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

I wouldn't be bitter. I would be angry. And not at HER, either. I'd be angry at my brother for being such a dumbass welcome mat, and allowing her to treat his family like that.


But then, I'm not someone who just lets people be stupid without commenting. He's your family. It is HIM you should be angry with.

ITA

 

[Bobmi357]

Your brother needs a serious ass kicking. Its one thing to put his own family's needs or his spouse's needs above his siblings and parents. But its entirely different to allow his wife to control him this way.

My suggestion is a simple one, but won't work unless you get ALL of your family to agree to it. Tell him you're cutting off all contact with him until he develops a backbone and stands up to her.

 

[dollface007]

My mother keeps saying, "God will work it out...you just have to let him handle it". I'm not sure I buy it.

In a way, she's right. You've done absolutely everything you can. Now it's time to leave it up to a higher power (if you believe in one). It's like that "Serenity Prayer": grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Does that mean you're giving up on your brother and his kids? No. Does that mean you're lying down and taking the abuse? Absolutely not.

It sounds like right now all you can do is stay out of the way of this bitch and wait for your brother to grow a pair.