Try and try again

[FemmeSoumise]

I've cruised this forum for many years, finding super helpful advice and info. This is my first post.

I am beginning to feel that urge of wanting more in my current relationship, and I'm not quite sure how to proceed.

I've always been into submission and rough sex, debasement, etc to some degree.

Left a long-term, very vanilla relationship around 6 years ago bc tho a wonderful and loving man, he was not at all dominant. Not in the bedroom, not in life. I had become very bored and ultimately unhappy.

I was introduced to more formal, in depth play with the next guy I dated. Loved it, and for the first time experienced what it would be like to be a real sub, but ultimately he was inconsistent. I needed more still.

Tried seeing a "pro" - anonymous play with no sex - absolutely loved the play, but could not get over feeling ashamed to be doing these things with a (albeit regular) stranger. And of course, would prefer to have sex as well.

Met my current bf through friends and was thrilled to find out that he shared many of my interests and was excited to try new things. The first 6 months showed a lot of promise - he was learning knots, helping me pick out toys, pushing limits - but out of the blue he completely lost interest. Like, overnight. By that time, we were in love and in a full blown relationship. We fought about it, and I nearly walked away, but ultimately decided to put my selfish desires aside for the good of the relationship.

Now its been 3 years and we might have sex twice a month. He is not dominant and does not play with me at all. I've told him repeatedly that I'm unhappy. He has explained that he won't change (his excuse is that it is his libido decreasing, bc of his age.) Though, he loves me and I can see that it pains him that he can't make me happy. That vanilla sex every other Saturday afternoon isn't enough and it's all he can give me.

I am a faithful woman, but my god! being unfaithful feels so tempting right now! Breaking his heart doesn't feel like an option, neither by cheating or leaving. Should I suck it up and get my kicks in the tub? Has anyone else resolved the same issue with their sig other? I'm so lost.

 

[submissive_fire]

The fact that he says he will not change after you've stated you are unhappy, speaks volumes to me. If he is unwilling to at least try ... even if he cannot perform, there are tons of other things he can do to satisfy you ... then only you can decide if you are willing to live the rest of your life this way.

 

[desertslave]

It's something you really have to decide for yourself. How good is the rest of your relationship? How important is sex (to both of you) in the relationship? Obviously it matters to you, but to what extent is the question you need to answer for yourself.

He says his libido is decreasing. Perhaps a visit to his doctor is in order, at least for a basic checkup. This might very well be something that can be easily treated, if he's willing. Is he on any medications that might be libido-unfriendly? (Master was. He and our doc reconsidered his meds, and it improved significantly.)

If it's a mindset issue and this just doesn't trip his trigger, AND he's made an effort in the past, you might be SOL for the dominance aspect. Not everyone IS dom or sub; many people are just neutral or it's just not their thing.

I quit a marriage because the lack of D/s was a significant enough issue. However, there were other issues (like his compulsive lying) that also swayed me towards deciding to leave.

Don't do anything lightly! Think long and hard about how you think your life would change without him. Where do you want to see yourself in 2 years or 5 years? Consider the big picture and see how it balances out or how you think it could work out in the long run.

One more thing: Talk, as long and as much as you feel you can, to try to find a compromise that feels right for both of you. IMO, "more of some" of what you need with someone you love in other ways is better than "none" with nobody or a totally uncertain future. But this is something only you can resolve and decide for yourself.

 

[geekmaster24]

It's something you really have to decide for yourself. How good is the rest of your relationship? How important is sex (to both of you) in the relationship? Obviously it matters to you, but to what extent is the question you need to answer for yourself.

He says his libido is decreasing. Perhaps a visit to his doctor is in order, at least for a basic checkup. This might very well be something that can be easily treated, if he's willing. Is he on any medications that might be libido-unfriendly? (Master was. He and our doc reconsidered his meds, and it improved significantly.)

If it's a mindset issue and this just doesn't trip his trigger, AND he's made an effort in the past, you might be SOL for the dominance aspect. Not everyone IS dom or sub; many people are just neutral or it's just not their thing.

I quit a marriage because the lack of D/s was a significant enough issue. However, there were other issues (like his compulsive lying) that also swayed me towards deciding to leave.

Don't do anything lightly! Think long and hard about how you think your life would change without him. Where do you want to see yourself in 2 years or 5 years? Consider the big picture and see how it balances out or how you think it could work out in the long run.

One more thing: Talk, as long and as much as you feel you can, to try to find a compromise that feels right for both of you. IMO, "more of some" of what you need with someone you love in other ways is better than "none" with nobody or a totally uncertain future. But this is something only you can resolve and decide for yourself.

Great advice right there.

Think long and hard about the decision you make... And make sure you let him know about the decision. I know the tendency is to do things in secret, but that shouldn't be the way.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

No no no

Agh no no no no no!

'Doing things in secret shouldn't be the way' -? Why not?

Doing what particular things?

You see the thing I would like to contribute to this discussion is the idea that people are VASTLY different in experience - experience of life, experiences, experience levels... But, almost everyone can have good intentions and be a good person within. Therefrom, springs the motivation that most people have, NOT to hurt a partner. That is, the partner that they acknowledge is a good person within.

One could have become 'a partner' for a very great variety of legitimate reasons. Nevertheless, the validity of one facet or basis for a relationship, might not be the basis for ALL the types of facets that there are. The idealisation that people like Dr. Phil place on relationships, flies in the face of all human reality and in the end, is delusional. In other words, Dr. Phil is deluded. And the moral mentality espoused by people such as he - is delusional or deluded.

Sexuality is a series of languages: some are common languages, and some highly uncommon. One cannot expect to communicate fully and be understood in one language that is not spoken by the other person. And, further, not only might that language not be able to be 'learned' quickly, but it might depend on entirely exclusive factors that are NOT common to all of humanity.

People very commonly assume women to be anxious and over-thoughtful whilst men are regarded as simple and less anxiety-ridden and hence more promiscuous.

But the false antithesis here is that you cannot HAVE a relationship over a certain facet of emotional or sexual identity - where that facet is missing from the other person's identity complex. Consequently, you are not betraying them or being 'unfaithful' to 'the part' of them... ...which simply isn't there in the first place.

You can indeed, and you should have - secret, that is to say, highly discreet, involvements with people with the requisite matching facets where you have the facet concerned.

People's general fear is about the chances of encountering some kind of real danger - but the reality is that you don't need to jettison your reason and judgment and good sense about people just because you are doing something sexually or emotionally uncommon with new people. These 'new' people are human just like you. And human just like the 'plain/ordinary' people. Some of them, are excellent safe and responsible human beings.

The reason things are so difficult to 'get right' is you're talking about rarities among the already rare. But the rewards of finding what you are looking for are staggeringly huge.

 

[Netzach]

I think the truth lies somewhere in between.

Affairs outside the sphere of honesty with one's partner are a dick move. Own it if you got it. Yes, it IS human nature, but that doesn't make it right. It just makes it "wrong, but seriously, get a life."

They're not a dick move like...genocide or environmental degradation or murder or anything, so I wish people would stop fixating on where other people put their genitals and worry about real evil and show some compassion and other-shoes-ness about other people's moral failings that are pretty freaking small in the scheme of the world, and close to universal.

We all have to decide how not to hurt our SO's at some point. Unfailing unfaltering honesty is held up as the gold standard, but I don't think it's always the best way, or the only way. I think you seriously need to look at YOUR SO and make your decision based on who you are and who they are, not on what everyone else thinks you should do. If you're coming clean simply to assuage the guilt of having to hide and to earn the right to feel like you are socially a more moral person than someone who doesn't, that's a worse dick move than having an affair, IMO.

OP, who is trying desperately not to hurt your SO - you are at a painful impasse. You already know the answer to whether you can actually stand to live like you do right now, today, as though nothing is going to change or not. I don't know that and I can't possibly answer that.

So you do everything you can in your power to feel like you did everything you could if you wind up having to walk away.

Thus went the best advice I ever got. I ended things very poorly but for the best. You may reach completely different conclusions.

 

[subwannabe]

I know you have a lot invested in this relationship but the truth is:

1. You're not married and therefore not committed long term

2. You're not happy and you never will be. In fact, you will get more unhappy as the years go by.

3. cheating will only make you feel worse



I think what happened here is he really wanted to try in the beginning but found out that he really didn't like it and that it was not him. So, he just gave up and returned to his true self. You are going to have to face the fact that it is over with him whether you stay with him or not. It's not fair to you or him to stay and then cheat. Both of you have Mr. and Mrs. Right waiting for you but neither of you will find them while remaining with each other.

 

[Insulated]

I would be honest with yourself, as you are doing, AND your partner(s) about what is going on for you mentally/sexually/physically...thereafter, you can gain freedom and isolate what is best for you -- follow your values...

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

There is a lot of great advice here when considering his sudden disinterest as a choice... Hugs to you for the rejection experience you are weathering. It is not easy stuff regardless of why it is happening. Please take good care of you.

That said, I wanted to add something... Please be open the the idea that a sudden change in libido can be a symptom of some other underlying and potentially significant health problems. I know I have read many articles about the link between libido and heart health in men that made sense to me. If he is open to it, having him get a full physical and his hormones checked wouldn't hurt anything, and if there is something wrong, addressing it may help him inside and outside the bedroom.


Best of luck to you.