Trust

[poppetdee]

Hi. This is my first post here. I hope that I can get some assistance. I am in a committed relationship. In the past, we have tried many different things. I am very open. My partner is more conservative. My problem in that in the past, he has wanted to practice a more in depth Master and sub relationship. I am very open to this. It was originally my idea. He decided to arrange a situation (on at least three occasions) where we would be joined by others. I allowed my natural submissive state to depend on him to not only protect me, but to control the situation. I allowed every thing he did not stop. After the first time we did this, and our relationship suffered, I worked very hard and tried to get him to understand our individual roles. It is not my place to question, especially among others. We talked and strengthened our relationship. He again arranged for a play date. Again, it was regretful. We repeated the process one more time. He still pressures me to do things, but I no longer trust him. I want to allow him what he needs and wants, but I don't wanted to be treated like I did something wrong because of it. I think he needs guidance. I want to him to be my Daddy.I want to take care is him. I don't want to disappoint him.

 

[isabellepain]

I feel your pain. I have been dealing eith some trust issues myself slthough fir different ressons. I ghink you just hsve go mske the decision to do or nit to fo snd move on.

 

[redslady]

Hi. This is my first post here. I hope that I can get some assistance. I am in a committed relationship. In the past, we have tried many different things. I am very open. My partner is more conservative. My problem in that in the past, he has wanted to practice a more in depth Master and sub relationship. I am very open to this. It was originally my idea. He decided to arrange a situation (on at least three occasions) where we would be joined by others. I allowed my natural submissive state to depend on him to not only protect me, but to control the situation. I allowed every thing he did not stop. After the first time we did this, and our relationship suffered, I worked very hard and tried to get him to understand our individual roles. It is not my place to question, especially among others. We talked and strengthened our relationship. He again arranged for a play date. Again, it was regretful. We repeated the process one more time. He still pressures me to do things, but I no longer trust him. I want to allow him what he needs and wants, but I don't wanted to be treated like I did something wrong because of it. I think he needs guidance. I want to him to be my Daddy.I want to take care is him. I don't want to disappoint him.

Submissive does not equate doormat. Every person has the right to set personal limits.

Have you talked to him about the loss of trust that resulted in these "play parties" If so, what does he say when you explain that you have lost trust in him to keep you safe, not just physically but mentally as well?

 

[MeekMe]

Hi. This is my first post here. I hope that I can get some assistance. I am in a committed relationship. In the past, we have tried many different things. I am very open. My partner is more conservative. My problem in that in the past, he has wanted to practice a more in depth Master and sub relationship. I am very open to this. It was originally my idea. He decided to arrange a situation (on at least three occasions) where we would be joined by others. I allowed my natural submissive state to depend on him to not only protect me, but to control the situation. I allowed every thing he did not stop. After the first time we did this, and our relationship suffered, I worked very hard and tried to get him to understand our individual roles. It is not my place to question, especially among others. We talked and strengthened our relationship. He again arranged for a play date. Again, it was regretful. We repeated the process one more time. He still pressures me to do things, but I no longer trust him. I want to allow him what he needs and wants, but I don't wanted to be treated like I did something wrong because of it. I think he needs guidance. I want to him to be my Daddy.I want to take care is him. I don't want to disappoint him.

Hi poppetdee, welcome to Lit!

I'm sorry to hear about your situtation.

Have you discussed your own needs/wants/limits with you partner? Is he aware of the things that make you uncomfortable and things your really don't want to do?

If he doesn't know you should tell him clearly. If he already knew and you told him repeatedly you were not ok with these things, he's a not a good person and has betrayed your trust.

Sadly, we tend to make excuses for the ones we love when they do things that hurt us. Remember, you're a person and you have needs and wants. If you are uncomfortable, you don't have to do it. You may feel pressured, but you don't love someone less if you refuse. You should question and wonder if your best interest is at heart. Is he thinking of you when he sets up these arrangements?

It's possible the two of you are incompatible. If he wants something you can't give, perhaps it is best to part ways?

 

[Stella_Omega]

You are right not to trust him, what a shame. He needs to learn that he can't break his toys.

His fantasies are real, real common ones, but then-- he's not the one getting gangbanged and bukakked, you are.

Can you offer a more conditional fealty to this guy?

I'm sure that you already know a lot about D/s, by what you say. All the same, give the essay in my link a read. See if it strikes any chords for you.

 

[poppetdee]

I have few hard limits, and he knows what they are. I am open to most things. The reservations and issues are his. He says he wants things, actively pursues then and then treats me horrible (emotionally) afterwards.

 

[poppetdee]

Thank you. I will give it to him.

 

[MeekMe]

I might be confused, but is he asking you to do things, and then when you do what he asked he treats you bad because of it?

 

[poppetdee]

I might be confused, but is he asking you to do things, and then when you do what he asked he treats you bad because of it?

That sums it up. He wants things, wants me to give in completely to him, let him control the situation, then gets mad.
One situation... We went out. We had discussed what was OK. What our limits were. He asked for complete control. That I would do what he asked. We meet another couple. While I was entertaining her he was talking to her Master and another couple. Her Master touched me. Hands only. Nothing was said, he allowed it. We stayed for a couple more hours. The next day it was my fault someone else touched me. He had told me he would stop anything he wasn't comfortable with.
Now he gets angry cause I won't go and do things. I want him happy, but no longer trust him.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

I'm sorry to ask this question, but is it possible that he is setting up impossible situations in order to force your hand? To try and force you into action, or argument, or limit changes/renegotiations, or even a break up?

 

[DVS]

That sums it up. He wants things, wants me to give in completely to him, let him control the situation, then gets mad.
One situation... We went out. We had discussed what was OK. What our limits were. He asked for complete control. That I would do what he asked. We meet another couple. While I was entertaining her he was talking to her Master and another couple. Her Master touched me. Hands only. Nothing was said, he allowed it. We stayed for a couple more hours. The next day it was my fault someone else touched me. He had told me he would stop anything he wasn't comfortable with.
Now he gets angry cause I won't go and do things. I want him happy, but no longer trust him.

He's very fickle. You can't trust someone who says he will control the situation, has you agree to that control, then blames you for what when wrong afterwards.

What does he expect you to do? If he saw the other guy touch you and didn't say anything, I would obviously assume he was OK with it. After all, you had given him total control. I'd bet he would have been just as angry, if you had kicked the guy in the balls. He's fickle.

For some reason, it seems he's trying to make everything your fault. I'm sorry, but if it were me, he wouldn't have gotten that third chance, let alone the fourth. Everybody knows the rules and he clearly has broken a number of them. Does he understand this or is he touched in the head?

I'm sorry, but to me, he seems like seriously damaged goods and I would have moved on by now. Trust is rule #1. If someone breaks rule #1, it's pretty much a no brainer. I might give someone a second chance, but you have given him more. And the way he blames you for things that are obviously his responsibility is really kind of a scary red flag. Has he been wishy-washy like this in other aspects of life, or just in these sessions?

But, because you say you still care for him, these are my suggestions. First and foremost, no more giving up total control. If your sessions include any bondage, that should stop. You can't trust him to say and do the same thing. If you're bound, that just adds another aspect of trust that you can't control. I'd also stop including any other couples, especially anyone you personally don't know. That's another aspect of unknown that you can't control.

If you want him to be your daddy, you are going to have to find a way to trust him and continue to forgive him when he breaks that trust. I'm sorry to say that once someone breaks such a trust as many times as he has, it's really more of a personality flaw than anything.

 

[IrisAlthea]

That sums it up. He wants things, wants me to give in completely to him, let him control the situation, then gets mad.
One situation... We went out. We had discussed what was OK. What our limits were. He asked for complete control. That I would do what he asked. We meet another couple. While I was entertaining her he was talking to her Master and another couple. Her Master touched me. Hands only. Nothing was said, he allowed it. We stayed for a couple more hours. The next day it was my fault someone else touched me. He had told me he would stop anything he wasn't comfortable with.
Now he gets angry cause I won't go and do things. I want him happy, but no longer trust him.

Some people do that.
They are all hot and bothered about something, really want to do it and even go through with it, while still not even close to being at ease with it.
When the excitement wears off and it's "sicklied over with the pale cast of thought"' some want to cast blame on someone else instead of working through their own confusion.

Maybe make one of your limits doing things he can't stand to wanting? Discuss what is totally comfortable for him, well in non excited advance at the kitchen table?
If the relationship is worth working on, that is.

 

[Alliecat1970]

Some people do that.
They are all hot and bothered about something, really want to do it and even go through with it, while still not even close to being at ease with it.
When the excitement wears off and it's "sicklied over with the pale cast of thought"' some want to cast blame on someone else instead of working through their own confusion.

Maybe make one of your limits doing things he can't stand to wanting? Discuss what is totally comfortable for him, well in non excited advance at the kitchen table?
If the relationship is worth working on, that is.

This. It sounds like if there's a certain lack of maturity and insight involved. He seems interested in acting out fantasies and scenarios, but has not developed enough insight to have a sense of the emotional impact the realization of the fantasies will have on him.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Your guy has some soul searching to do. When he says "complete control" it's a lot like saying "no limits" in that-- you have no idea what might pop up. He obviously wasn't expecting the ... I'm sorry to say it this bluntly... but he was intimidated by the other dom and didn't know what to do. And he doesn't want to face that.

I always say that we cannot expect a True Dom™ to be a perfect Dom. But I will say that nobody gets trusted until they've proven themselves trustworthy.

 

[Primalex]

Strange that nobody considers that his fall out with his "slut" is part of his kink.

What do you expect happens when you put someone who enjoys cuckolding into the position of a Dom?

 

[Endless_Night]

Your guy has some soul searching to do. When he says "complete control" it's a lot like saying "no limits" in that-- you have no idea what might pop up. He obviously wasn't expecting the ... I'm sorry to say it this bluntly... but he was intimidated by the other dom and didn't know what to do. And he doesn't want to face that.

I always say that we cannot expect a True Dom™ to be a perfect Dom. But I will say that nobody gets trusted until they've proven themselves trustworthy.

I have to agree with Stella. This definitely seems to be the issue at hand. Not a crime in itself, but when he's visiting his feelings of inadequacy onto the OP, less than admirable.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Strange that nobody considers that his fall out with his "slut" is part of his kink.

What do you expect happens when you put someone who enjoys cuckolding into the position of a Dom?

That's interesting to consider. It certainly would be a very conflicting head space for him, and I can see how a struggle to work the two together could create a conflict in this relationship. However, it's not a positive decision to take someone's (seemingly unconditional) trust and batter it against your own psyche in an attempt to figure your brain's shit out. If he hasn't come to terms with this interesting kink-combo, he needs to take the time to do so without bringing other people down.

Easier said than done, of course!! But the difficulty still doesn't justify the abuse of trust or degradation of his partner. Hell, it may even just be he needs to communicate what's going on in his head with her. "So when I degrade you for allowing others to touch you, it's actually part of what turns me on about the situation. This is why I allow it and then seem to backpedal on that decision" may be enough to adjust how his words impact her and make the problem improve on its own.


Assuming, of course, that is the situation. I think it's a less likely scenario, but hey, brains are weird.

 

[Primalex]

That's interesting to consider. It certainly would be a very conflicting head space for him, and I can see how a struggle to work the two together could create a conflict in this relationship.

What struggle?

It works out perfectly. There he was, our conservative guy, who obviously can't just go to his wife with:"Hey, I want you to fuck other guys and I want to watch, because cuckolding makes me all horny."

Then she comes up with the idea of D/s. He is not dumb and recognizes that she opened a way for his kinks to be fulfilled and he jumps on board. Of course, he can't stop what's going on when it's going on, that's his kink, but he also can't just say nothing afterwards - he has a secret and needs to protect it from his point of view. So he lashes out at here, so she doesn't realize he enjoys it but at the same time arranges the next cuckolding scenario.

He can't drop the Dom facade, then he doesn't get what he wants.

Assuming, of course, that is the situation. I think it's a less likely scenario, but hey, brains are weird.

There are two choices - he is a Dom on meth and completely unstable or he is a normal guy with a kink she just doesn't know about and he is afraid to tell. It's your choice what you consider likely

 

[Primalex]

but he was intimidated by the other dom and didn't know what to do.

Three times in a row.



Come on, Stella, I know you can't believe that either

 

[Stella_Omega]

Strange that nobody considers that his fall out with his "slut" is part of his kink.

What do you expect happens when you put someone who enjoys cuckolding into the position of a Dom?

According to what she's said, he claims that he's told her his kinks. If this one had come up, she wouldn't be in this dilemma. So if it is, then he needs to forwarn her.

Yeah, it's kind of a hot scenario. Maybe not so much for this particular sub.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Three times in a row.



Come on, Stella, I know you can't believe that either

mmm yeah, you have a point.

 

[seela]

What do you expect happens when you put someone who enjoys cuckolding into the position of a Dom?

I believe Eastern Sun's relationship works like that. Or at least it is a part of their relationship.

 

[Endless_Night]

Three times in a row.



Come on, Stella, I know you can't believe that either

Why not 3 times in a row?

Clearly he’s interested in their group ventures. And he’s blaming the OP for each incident not to his liking. Its her fault, not his. That frees him up to continue enjoying his group play and foist the responsibility for any problems on her.

A girlfriend once dated a guy of similar type. Whenever they left a social function he’d throw a fit about any other man she spoken with. He was furious that the other male had disrespected him. And it was her fault because she’d allowed them to flirt with her (because talking constitutes flirting ).

He was (in my opinion) a bit of a lunatic. Ultra possessive, insecure, and unreasonably jealous. The truth was that he simply didn’t have the nerve to tell others guys to back off so took the easier route of blaming her.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Not to make light of OP's problems, but it's a hell of a plot bunny.

 

[Endless_Night]

Not to make light of OP's problems, but it's a hell of a plot bunny.

LOL.

Sorry OP. Its a serious issue, and potentially a relationship killer. Hardly easy to stay with someone you can't trust.